Page 45 of Slowly, All at Once


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“Hello?” he repeated, with a gruffness that startled me.

I choked on my words. I hated feeling like such a disappointment to him. Asking him for help seemed weak, and deep down, I knew he would say no. I couldn’t handle more rejection. I couldn’t do it. Gently putting the phone back in the cradle, I stared at my blank application and closed the browser. I would figure this out another way.

My date with Jacob was in less than three hours and I couldn’t seem to find any enthusiasm for it. A deep despair came over me. Since the day my dad kicked me out, I’d been running nonstop, trying to keep myself together. Now, a tremendous sense of loss came over me and I couldn’t contain my grief. With a defeated sigh, I sank further into my chair.

By this time next week, the project I’d invested so much time in would be completed. What would my life look like after that? Would my dad really give me my trust back? Did I want it back?

An overwhelming need to confide in someone had me grabbing my purse and heading out the door. I really wanted to see Jacob.

I walked the short distance through town. The square was less crowded now. Families with kids, who had returned home to start the school year, were replaced by RVing retirees browsing the quaint shops before heading to the national parks.

The bell above the store’s door rang when I went through the front door.

A few shoppers milled around, thumbing through the sales rack filled with summer T-shirts, and shorts.

Behind the register was a new employee I didn’t recognize. “Can I help you?”

“Is Jacob around?”

She looked over her shoulder. “I think he’s in the office. Should I get him?”

I shook my head at her. “I’ll just go back.”

Her eyes widened slightly.

“Don’t look so distressed,” I said, solemnly, raising my hands in front of me. “I’m not going to attack him.”

She edged toward the end of the counter, looking slightly appeased, but also ready to tackle me if I threatened her boss.

I stopped and offered her a smile. “I’m sorry, that was rude of me. We’re friends.”

She returned to the register, still casting wary glances my way.

I weaved through the displays to the back of the store. With a soft knock on the office door, I let myself in.

Jacob sat behind his desk. He stood when he saw me, his eyes lighting up.

“Hey, I thought I was picking you up.” His long legs ate up the floor between us, and he stopped so close that I could smell the outdoors on him.

I craned my neck to look up at him. “You are. I just wanted to see you.”

Energy crackled between us. We had denied ourselves for so long. Now, we balanced precariously between our past and a future, we were both wary of tipping the wrong direction again.

He reached out and held my chin. He whispered, “What’s wrong?”

Tears stung my eyes. “I’m not sure.”

He laced his fingers with mine and he led me to the couch. He sat and pulled me into his lap. It felt like the most natural place to be. “Why don’t you start with what prompted you to come here.”

“I called my dad.” He let me sit on his lap, not coaxing anything else out of me. I settled my head on his chest. “I called, and when he answered, I just froze. I couldn’t say anything.”

“Why did you call him?”

I shrugged.

I felt the warm breath of a kiss on the top of my head. “He loves you, Camille. He’s a tough guy but he loves you.”

Tears threatened to spill over. My voice quivered. “I feel so lost. And it isn’t even about the money. And I know I have a plan to teach but it feels like I’m reacting. Life just keeps moving forward, and I want to scream, ‘STOP,’ until I can get my bearings.”

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