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“I know that now, but I’ve lived most of my life believing that it was my fault. My mother—she hated me. She never let me forget that he was dead because of me. She told me, more than once, that she wished it had been me who died in that car accident.” I wipe a tear from my cheek. “I think she loved me before he died. I remember, vaguely, smiles and laughter and love. But…that one night, it changed everything. She just turned on me.
“I think that I left you not so much because of marriage but because if the one person who is supposed to love you endlessly—your mother—can turn on you that quickly, why would I be a fool to think someone else would ever love me completely? I had a mom and a dad. We were a family. If that could end, then why wouldn’t you and I end eventually? I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I just…I wanted a constant. I thought if we got married, that would be it. I would have my constant.”
J.R. is quiet. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t say anything, and I wonder what he’s thinking. Finally, he rolls his head toward me, his blue eyes locked on mine, and says, “You didn’t kill your dad. Your mother was not a mother. She was a monster who did nothing but batter you with lies.” He touches my cheek with his fingers. “You left me because you thought that one day, I would stop loving you, too.” It’s more of a question than a statement.
“I think so,” I say, relieved that maybe he finally understands what I’ve been trying to tell him since I came back to him.
“I love you, Rachel. With every ounce of my being. Even when I was so angry with you—heck, I’m still angry—but I still love you so much, it hurts. You are everything to me, and that will never change.”
I cry. Old tears. The kind of tears that I refused to cry as a child. When my mother would hurl her hurtful words at me, I captured them and buried them somewhere deep in my heart. I wouldn’t give my mother the satisfaction of making me cry, so I didn’t. Everything she had ever said to me—it all came from the place I had buried it. It came to me in the night when I was alone or when I was having a good day. Her words came from some place unseen, and they were disguised as my own thoughts.
He’s never going to marry you, Rachel.
He’ll leave you one day.
You should be the one dead, Rachel.
22
February 2006
I knew what I’d done, but there wasn’t much I could do about it now. The empty pill bottles surrounded me. I wasn’t sure how long I had before my heart stopped, but I didn’t think it was fair to Kelley if I just allowed myself to die on the floor of her living room.
So, I picked myself up and tidied up the scattered bottles. Already, I felt a little loose on my feet, but I thought I had at least five minutes. I tried to force myself down the hall to the guest room, where I’d been living since I had left J.R. It would be better if she found me there.Less messy that way, I thought.
I felt like the floor was disappearing beneath me, and I felt my body crash into the wall. I hit the floor, and I thought I might vomit. I thought taking myself out of this world would be a little easier this way, but then I realized I should have gone for the gun. At least, it would have been quicker.
The world spun around me. I felt sweat rolling down my forehead. I could hear her—my mother. She was screaming at me, “No one wants you. You’re such a burden!”
Color left the room around me. Sound, too. I realized that this was it. Soon, the whole world would go dark, and I’d be gone. Then, I felt two hands on me. I managed to lift my eyelids slightly, and I saw Kelley. She was frantic. Screaming. Her hands were on my face. Her blue eyes were electric. I couldn’t hear her, and I didn’t expect the last thing I’d feel before I died would be guilt; but as if it mattered, I thought to myself,I love you, sweet friend. I’m sorry.
23
Present
“I told him about my mother,” I tell Kelley over the phone. “Everything.”
“Well, I’m kind of jealous because that’s something you’ve never even told me. At least, not the details.”
“You’re better not knowing. Trust me.”
“So, you two have your first make-out session in years, and then afterward, you tell him about the most depressing part of you?”
I laugh at her. “I mean, yes, but it wasn’t like that. And it wasn’t a make out session. It was very brief and angry.”
“Did you tell him about the time you tried to kill yourself?” she asks dully. I think she’s still angry with me about that. It was a pretty horrible thing for me to do to her.
“No. I’m not ready to talk about that.”
Kelley sighs. “You should tell him that. Soon. How does Knox feel about her mom and dad getting back together?”
“We aren’t back together. It was one kiss. I don’t think there’s any need to tell Knox anything yet. I don’t want to confuse her.”
“I swear you think too much, Rach,” she says, slightly irritated.
“Maybe.” I do think too much. “I miss you.”
“Yeah, me, too. I’m going to visit soon. As soon as J.R. stops hating me. I saved your life, Rachel. He should know that.” Only Kelley would use my suicide story to build herself up to favor in another’s mind.
