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Knox continues to watch us. There’s a smile on her face. Her blue eyes seem to glisten, and I think she’s seeing me a little differently now. I wonder if she is seeing us the way she had imagined we used to be.
I remember, somewhere in my deepest memories, how it felt to see my dad love my mother. It always seemed to fulfill a piece of me that I can’t explain. It made me feel safe, and I wonder now if Knox feels safe, too.
Without giving it much thought, I relax the back of my head against his shoulder; and like a magnet, J.R.’s lips kiss the side of my head. I’m not worried about confusing Knox now. She’s happy. We make her happy. She needs this. I need this.
We stand there on the boat, in the ocean, two fishing poles in the sea, two girls feeling themselves grow whole, and a man who loves us more than we deserve. This is the way it should have always been. This is how it will be now. Even if we do continue to take things extremely slow.
As I put Knox to bed, we don’t exchange many words. We don’t talk about the fishing trip or J.R. and me. We share looks instead. Silent words that don’t have to be said out loud. Knox kisses me goodnight, and I kiss her; and we silently agree that our lives will be different now. She closes her eyes; I turn off the light; and I slip out of her room.
I find J.R. outside in the swing. He’s in the same place he found me last night. I bring him a beer, just as he brought me one, and I sit next to him. J.R. slides his arm around my shoulder, and we sit there quietly for a few minutes.
Finally, J.R. says, “So, I guess Knox knows we don’t hate each other now.” He smiles.
I sigh. “She never asked me about it, but I think so. A girl needs to know her parents love each other.”
“Today was a good day,” he says.
“It was.” I kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For loving me, despite everything, and for loving Knox.”
“My girls,” he says with a smile on his face.
I think about what Kelley and I had talked about this morning—about my needing to tell J.R. about this final piece of me that he doesn’t know. The piece where I attempted suicide. It doesn’t feel like it should matter now, but it does matter. It was the darkest moment of my life. I wanted to die. I tried to die. The real story comes afterward, though, and how I’ve been healing since that night.
I lock my fingers in his, and I look at him. “I have to tell you something.”
J.R. looks at me. I see fear in his eyes, and I don’t blame him. I’m sure he’s wondering what type of surprise I’m going to drop on him now. Besides, it was such a great day.
“What is it?” he asks.
“We’re doing this thing where we actually talk about things. Deep things, right?”
“Of course.”
One of the first steps to healing is confession. At least, that’s what my therapist told me. The thing is no one wants to speak about the darkest moments of their life. We want to keep them tucked away, and I think that’s out of fear, mainly. What on earth would people think about us if they onlyknew?
I lift my eyes to his. “I tried to end my life.”
I watch his face, expecting a change in expression, but it remains the same. He’s still there, ready to listen.
“I planned the whole thing. I went out and bought some prescription pain medication from a street dealer, waited until Kelley was gone for the evening, and then swallowed hundreds of pills. I tried to get myself to bed to die, but I didn’t make it that far. I collapsed in the hallway, and that’s where Kelley found me. I don’t remember much. I just remember her screaming at me before everything went dark.”
I feel tears form in my eyes. “Kelley saved my life. She saved Knox’s life, too. I wanted to die, J.R. Walking away from you—I believed that it would be better if I wasn’t here anymore.”
J.R. doesn’t say anything at first. I watch him as what I’ve told him begins to weigh him down. His blue eyes are sad. I even see tears begin to form.
“And Knox?”
“I didn’t know I was pregnant,” I explain. “I found out later. I would have only been about three weeks along with her. A pregnancy test probably wouldn’t have even read positive then, and I had no reason to expect that I was pregnant.”
“Why would you ever believe this world would be better without you?” he asks, softly.
“I don’t know, J.R.” I whisper. “I don’t know exactly where my head was, but I just thought that dead would be better than alive.”
J.R. sets his beer on the ground, and then he takes mine, doing the same. He takes me in his arms, and he holds me close to him.
