AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Every last bite.”
I giggle.
J.R. kisses my cheek. “I’m sorry for getting so angry.”
“It’s okay. You’re allowed to be angry every now and then.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I would face you, but it literally took me thirty minutes to find a comfortable position in this bed with my big belly and all.”
J.R. chuckles softly and kisses my cheek again. “My girls.”
“I love you.”
38
“Mom? What’s wrong? Slow down.” J.R. is alarmed, the phone against his ear, and he’s forgotten about the water he has running in the kitchen sink.
I turn off the water for him and stand at a distance as I watch his face go white. My heart is pounding; and I know that whatever is wrong, it has to do with Roger.
“Okay, call the ambulance,” he instructs. “I’m coming up right now.” J.R. hangs up the phone and turns to me. “It’s Dad. It’s not…”
“Go, J.R.” I don’t need details. I can see them in his eyes. It’s serious.
J.R. hesitates for just a second and then disappears from the kitchen through the door.
I ignore a pain deep in my stomach. Braxton Hicks contractions maybe. I’ve been having them for a couple of weeks now. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about. I wait a few seconds for the pain to subside, and then I wobble over to the couch. I think I’ll regret sitting down. It’s much harder to get up these days, but my legs ache. Everything aches, really.
Out of the corner of my eye, through the window, I see the reflection of ambulance lights swirling red in the foggy night sky. I feel a sense of dread wash over me, and I realize that this probably will not end well—not unexpected, of course, but somehow that doesn’t make death any more bearable.
“Is everything okay, Mama?” Knox is staring past me through the window at the red lights, too.
“I’m sure it will be,” I tell her. “Your daddy went to see.” What else should I tell her?
Knox sits next to me on the couch and looks at me. “Are you okay?”
I smile at her. “I’m fine.”
“You look tired.”
I touch her cheek with the palm of my hand and keep a comforting smile on my face. “I am, but I think God gives us mamas extra energy. Enough to get us by.”
“Grandpa is going to die,” she says softly, casting her eyes back out the window.
I look at her, her blue eyes big and sad. I move my hand over hers, and I give it a soft pat. “I’m sorry, Knox.” I reply gently. Somehow, I can’t bring myself to saying the words—“Roger is going to die”—out loud.
He’s been declining consistently over the last few weeks. There’s nothing more the doctors can do, but Ellie didn’t want to call in hospice, even though it was advised. She has been caring for him on her own—bathing him, feeding him, giving him his medication. I guess she wanted to see the job through. I admire her for not giving up on Roger, for caring for him when it would have been easier for someone else to do it.
Women are extraordinary creatures. We grow humans in our bodies and birth them out like it’s no big deal. We hold our families together emotionally and physically. We continue running at the end of the day on whatever fumes we have left. We love in a way that no one could ever understand. We’re strong. We’re independent. We neglect ourselves so that others are taken care of. It’s who we are. It’s what we do. It’s our job.
I wonder what will happen to Ellie when Roger dies. He’s been hers for the last fifty years. How do you continue to live? I lived without J.R. for just a few years, and it was the most miserable experience of my entire life. I don’t want to know what it would feel like to lose him forever.
Knox and I are quietly sitting together on the couch when J.R. returns. His blue eyes are sad, but he seems calm. That’s J.R., though. Calm and collected.
“Everything okay?” I ask him.
He shakes his head. “We should all go. To the hospital. Go get your shoes, Knox.”
