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Chapter Five
What am I doing? It was almost two months, practically a blink, since Callie cheated on me in my own bed, and I never knew what to expect with work. Damn. I wasn’t ready to date. It must have been the emotions, the twisted connection I immediately felt with those people, when part of me was stuck in my past. I know Lizzie was teasing, and her bluntness was fucking hot, but coffee, pets, an electric litter box…it was all so domestic and threatened everything I stood for after stepping foot in my room to see Callie’s porno film.
I felt disgusting just thinking of that. Poor Muffster, he saw it too. I hoped Silas’s work would’ve cured the anxiety and helped me move on, but even with a new set of black roses painted into my abs, I felt tipped upside down again. This time, though, it wasn’t because of something bad. Well, technically, yes…I met Lizzie because of Avery and Sean, but they were okay. They’re going to be okay. Either way, I was tipped.
Worried I was a woman one week before her period, I shook myself of the overthinking and promised myself a brownie later. I bit my lip so hard in the hall that I wondered if a piercing would look good, and I planned three more tattoos while I restlessly waited for my brain and heart to take over from my balls. Ella was first to leave the room, and she actually gasped when she noticed me standing in the hall.
“You surprised me.” She tried to play it cool, but she was too adorable. “Do you need something else from Avery? I can give her your number…” It wasn’t Avery who needed my number. Dammit, balls.
I pinched my fingers into my traps and looked up at the ceiling for a response. Nothing. I rolled my head down to look at Ella, whose gentle smile was a knife to my chest. I couldn’t involve myself with them. I was too messed up, too busy, too not right. Seeing Ella’s bright eyes actually sparkle with drying tears, I knew I crossed a line. Maybe I just needed new furniture. Maybe I need a new bed. Maybe I need a new apartment.
“Actually,” I finally answered her, “I need to go.”
“Oh,” Ella muttered. “Okay, well…Lizzie told us…” Dammit. Blondie and her sway. It wasn’t her fault I found her irresistible after knowing her for literally a minute. It was my fault for the timing, for wearing my heart where anyone could grasp it.
“I work out of the station on Broom and Dayton,” I informed Ella, her thin eyebrows furrowed. “I’ll be there in a few days.” I tentatively placed a palm around Ella’s left shoulder, catching her eyes wandering to my tattoos, the same lines Lizzie mindlessly traced earlier. “It was really great to meet you, Ella. I hope to see you soon. I have to get back to work.”
I lied. I lied to the cute little brunette who spent hours reading Avery chapters of some cheesy novel because I was afraid. That’s it, that’s me, the coward with the heart so big it turned around and strangled him. I need a drink.
***
An hour after letting out Muffin, I stood in the middle of the bar with Nadia and Ben. He had updates on the station, but I couldn’t hear much once Nadia ran to me and started trying to take off my shirt. She assured me it was just to see the latest ink Silas told her about, but I never let down my guard entirely with Nadia…even with others around. Nadia was a friend, but I’d known her too long, too well, to trust those hands on my skin.
“Sweet Jesus,” Nadia roared, her hands clenching the hem of my shirt as she examined my abdomen. “Silas is amazing!”
“I know,” I agreed, laughing with her. “Stop, that tickles.”
Nadia took her hands away from my stomach and dropped my shirt back against my body. “Damn, though, Noah. You look good.”
I rolled my eyes at her and climbed onto a barstool. Ben was drooling over Nadia, and a little too obviously for that matter, as I needed to reach across with a napkin and wipe up his slurp. Nadia pushed a bottle of IPA across the counter to me, ignoring my partner.
“Nadia,” Ben finally woke from his daydream, swiping my drink as I lifted the bottle to my mouth, “he needs a glass of ice and sparkling water.”
“Nothing wrong with staying hydrated. I’ll drink the bubbles after my beer.” I grinned, taking the bottle to my mouth. Ben swung a hand at my bicep to get my attention, which was only half present while I chugged my beer.
“You flaked, dude,” he chastised, “and Nina and I got the shit for it.”
“You’re fine,” I groaned. “Chief knows all about what happened. Everything’s good,” I lied, omitting the fact I’d been put on leave for three days because Avery’s case was too close to home and, apparently, my chief didn’t think I could handle it in the morning. I couldn’t, though, and it wasn’t just the flashback and trauma; it was what happened after. The girl I couldn’t get out of my mind, the case full of surprises, and the feeling around those strangers…the comfort. Even little doe-eyed Ella stole my heart. I disliked her for that, too. It wasn’t hers to take.
“When do you get off tonight?” Ben addressed Nadia while she shook a martini, captivated by her chest. I could only roll my eyes and stare at the label I peeled from my second drink while we sat and talked. I didn’t hear Nadia’s reply, and I didn’t care. I didn’t feel like I belonged there, or anywhere in that moment, as the bar filled with rowdy patrons all vying for Nadia’s attention and a cheap drink. I wasn’t feeling it, even an hour later. I just wanted to be home, wherever that was. I needed to let out Muffin, my go-to excuse for avoiding things.
“You look a little rough, babe,” Nadia shouted across the crowded counter to me, raking her thin fingers through my hair. “You need something else?”
I looked up at her, catching the wink of her dark eyes beneath layers of shimmering makeup, and I was actually disgusted by her hitting on me. I can’t lie to myself and pretend Nadia and I never happened, but that was college…and a few drunken nights after…but all a lifetime ago. Before Jade, before Callie, before now. It was tempting, and the more she leaned over the counter and I had to pinch my thigh to keep my focus engaged elsewhere, the more I wanted to leave.
“I’m good, Nadia,” I stated, standing from the bar. “I’m going to the bathroom and then I’m headed home. Keep an eye on Ben.” I left the bar, stumbling through the mob of people some of my partners would likely see later on in the evening, on my way to the back.
I could hear the boisterous echo of drunkards from inside the bathroom, the sound of which was completely distracting while I tried to pee. When I walked back into the bar, I noticed a crowd of people standing around a series of booths on the opposite end. Nadia was at the bar, shaking her head while laughing and continuing to serve a couple of college kids their rum and Cokes. It was the kiddy cocktail of undergrads, and I was glad to be off the clock tonight. I wasn’t in the mood to rescue anyone suffering from the pukes at the bottom of State Street.
“Noah,” Nadia called when she saw me, “go rescue Ben. He’s losing.”
“Losing what?” I reached over the counter for the beer Nadia kept secure while I went to the bathroom and lifted the bottle to my lips. The sweet swig of intoxicant was refreshing; I almost forgot about spending half of my day thinking of losing Jade. Almost. I’ll never forget that, forget her.
“He’s being drunk under the table,” Nadia chortled, “by some girl. It’s fantastic!”
“I’m off the clock, Nadia,” I told her, shaking my head. “I’m not—” The crowd shifted as I spoke to Nadia, my words stopping when I caught sight of Ben and his companion. “Holy shit.”
“Girl can drink!” Nadia cackled behind me, but all I heard was my heart thumping its restless self into my ear drums. I stormed through the gathered crowd, dropping my beer somewhere behind me, feeling all sorts of tense and…protective? I hadn’t felt that way in years, and it was terrifying.
