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“Okay.”
“Vivenne and Blake.” Lizzie’s voice was barely above a cracked whisper. “Vivienne and Blake Alexander.”
I smiled at her, taking my arm around her shoulders and pulling her against me to kiss the top of her head. We sat in silence, staring at something in the distance of Sean and Avery’s living room that could distract us while our bodies and minds caught up with one another. Lizzie jumped when one of the babies cried in the distance, and I turned to shove her back onto the couch.
“That’s normal,” I reassured her.
The crying grew louder against the soft echo of pattering footsteps approaching from the hall. Sean, eyes squinting with exhaustion while adjusting to the dim light behind Lizzie and me, appeared with one of the babies swaddled in his arms.
“Hi,” he grunted.
Lizzie bolted from my side, running past Sean and down the hallway. We both watched her departure, knowing Lizzie abandoned us to be with her best friend. Sean paced the kitchen, the same herringbone tile on which I held his pregnant wife almost a year ago when he…
“Let me,” I offered, distracting my thought and hoping to help, while standing from the couch and walking toward him with my arms out. I looked at the tiny bundle secured against her father’s chest, softly rocked to sleep while her sibling cried in the other room.
“I’ve got it,” I assured Sean as he reluctantly helped place the baby in my arms. I studied its swaddled blanket more closely. “She’s gorgeous.”
“Thank you,” he choked, his knuckles whitening around the countertop as he braced himself. “Noah?”
I didn’t look up from his daughter, mesmerized by the perfect human in my arms. “Hmm?”
“Thank you,” Sean stressed. His palm met my shoulder, and I didn’t ask for more explanation. I knew from the furrowed brows, the tight nod, the hard swallow in his throat, I knew he couldn’t find the words. And that was okay, because I didn’t need to read him in that moment. I understood. I’d been there, twice. For him. For them. And now, holding his baby while Sean limply padded toward their sofa, I was overwhelmed with how full circle our friendship became.
“Lizzie won’t leave her side now.” Sean chuckled softly. “She was waiting for an opening. Like a damn shark. Bean probably wants her more than me right now anyway.”
“I doubt that,” I whispered my reply, standing feet away from Sean while I gently rocked the baby. “In all the times I’ve helped women deliver, their partners are the first and only people they want with them.”
I felt his gaze on me while I swayed back and forth, obsessing over the little face in my arms. She was perfect, with a button nose and the softest pink lips and tiny cheeks. I knew she would be lethal, just like her mom and dad, even while she was asleep. “She’s amazing,” I breathed, catching Sean’s eyes when I looked up.
“I didn’t have a kid yesterday,” he uttered, eyes wide and glazed over, “and now I have two.”
“Life happens fast,” I agreed, smiling sympathetically at him.
“It happened at Ella and Jesse’s wedding. I look at them, I’ve looked at her, and I just think…what if? You know, Noah? I always think what if.”
“That’s just because you’ve had to. You’ve been there. You’ve answered the what if already.”
“It never goes away, does it?”
I gently stroked Vivienne’s cheek, considering how vulgar the ink on my index finger seemed next to her innocent skin. I considered Sean’s words, comprehending the familiarity of always wondering what if. I didn’t want to and, most importantly, I didn’t ever want Lizzie to be plagued by what if.
“Mortality,” I murmured, looking up from Vivienne, “is a daily reminder that what if is always there, lingering no matter what we do. It’s all a matter of time, but you also need to trust in the timing of your life.”
“You sound like Avery,” he teased, laughing softly as he mocked her. “Everything happens for a reason.”
“Don’t you agree,” I smiled, “what brought you two together, what brought these babies into the world…”
“It all brought you and Lizzie together.” His tone grew serious. “You know, Noah, when you’ll be away…she’s stronger than we give her credit for, but sometimes I wonder…it’s just that I’ve known Lizzie for so long, and she’s always been this indestructible force who won’t take no for an answer, but she’ll hunt someone down if they’ve wronged her.”
“Or one of her friends,” I added, laughing in agreement while sitting next to Sean on the couch. “Sounds like her. If this is the talk…Dad…”
He coughed out a laugh, shaking his head playfully. “Lizzie doesn’t need me to intervene in her world. She could do more damage than me for sure.”
I looked at Vivienne, melting at the tiny yawn that consumed her face and likely her strength. The little grunts she made while sleeping were sounds I’d never known to be so beautiful, with all the babies I had delivered, and I thought holding Vivienne brought it full circle; it brought us full circle. I held an anchor that kept everyone in the past and the future, and part of me wondered if I was that for Lizzie like the twins were for everyone else.
“When do you report?” Sean lifted his feet to the ottoman, leaning his head back on the cushion behind him.
“March. We just got the call—” I lifted my eyes from Vivienne, noticing Sean’s mouth hanging open, his shoulders limp. I waited for a moment to see if he’d stir, but his chest lifted slowly in a wave of deep sleep.
“I guess it’s you and me, baby Viv.” I gently kissed her forehead and stood up, reaching for one of the throw blankets to toss over Sean’s legs. “Do you feel like a song? My mom always sang to me when I was little. Do you want some Al Green? Beastie Boys? Led Zeppelin? My repertoire is extensive.” Her precious face turned toward my chest. She was like a feather and anvil all at the same time, a precious, weightless entity that weighed a lifetime. I opted for the classic Brahms lullaby while I carried her throughout the condo, nervous to wake up everyone else.
I stood outside of Avery and Sean’s bedroom, my heart full. Blake was swaddled in the small bassinette attached to Avery’s side of the bed, her right arm extended along her mattress so her hand could cup his delicate head. She was sound asleep, her left hand intertwined with Lizzie’s as my girl held her best friend together. Lizzie snored softly on the pillow next to Avery as I tiptoed into the room so I could place Vivienne in her bassinette next to Blake.
Sean spoke of what if, and his words repeated in my head while I took in the moment around me. I didn’t want to wait to find out. A what if would always be there, so I wanted to change its narrative. I didn’t want to think about deployment without Lizzie at my side, getting hurt on the job, or losing us. I wanted our what ifs to be positive, hopeful. I wanted to wonder what if we bought this house or that one, what if we tried a different restaurant for takeout, what if we didn’t get out of bed for an entire weekend. What if I made her mine forever? That’s where I’d start.
