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10
I’d gotten so used to the comfort of Rhys’s calls and texts, and the way my heart would flutter like a fool when I’d see my screen flash during lectures or in the middle of the night. Maybe that was my problem. Our friendship blurred, and it would take so much more than what we had to figure it out. What I knew was keeping my distance until the wedding had to be the problem, just as not relying on him to provide me comfort had to be the solution.
My mom’s book was my unfortunate companion through the month of February, leading up to mid-terms in March. I finished it and regretted it. I suppose I felt more confident, but it wasn’t those pages to thank. It was me kicking the ridiculous fantasy of love, and Rhys, and anything else from my mind. The last I heard from him was sometime around the end of February, just as I’d finished the chapter on “releasing my internal romantic fears”.
“I miss you, Mia,” was all his text said, and I debated calling him for two days after that and just got consumed with work. Maybe I’d been purposely burying myself in it, but who’s judging?
I loved myself again. That was my goal, that was the purpose of mom’s book, and what I needed to spend my time focusing on. It helped as backup when crammed in the airplane between Benji, mom, and Amelia on our way to London for the wedding. Our Mom hadn’t seen the dress Sadie picked out for me and, considering their mix-up with my fitting, I worried that my actual dress wouldn’t even be there. Sadie’s future in-laws were paying for everything, which was great for her lack of personal income and not great for those of us who really had no say in their decisions about what we should wear or even do.
That’s why we were staying in the same hotel, and why we had to wait for a chauffeur to collect us from the airport and take us to dinner with Sadie and Matthew before being able to shower off the day of travel. Squished between mom and Amelia, I was falling asleep from jetlag and the car ride to the restaurant.
“Are we dressed up enough?” Amelia whispered, as if worried the chauffeur would judge her.
“It isn’t our wedding,” Benji laughed. “You look amazing as always.” Benji moved to kiss Amelia, pushing me closer to our mom, who whispered something about how sweet they were together.
“I’m disappointed I haven’t met his parents,” she grumbled. “Or even him. The man’s taking my baby from me, and I don’t even know what he looks like.”
“Mom,” I looked at her, “you’ve talked to them a hundred times through video chat.”
“That’s a screen, Mia,” she replied. “That’s not a relationship.”
Ouch.She didn’t know how right she was, but not about Matthew and Sadie, about me.
Rain covered the streets as we stepped from the car, politely guided by the chauffeur who requested we only call him Phillip. Amelia and Benji lingered behind mom and me, but all three of them were more quiet than usual. I waved Phillip away when he tried to offer me an umbrella, stepping ahead of everyone to the glass door. I was eager to get the entire weekend over with, trying not to think of the last time I talked with the best man or even how scared I was to see him. Scared, embarrassed, and insecure.
“Dad would have a fit,” Benji whispered behind me, his words laced with quiet laughter. I nodded to him in agreement, keeping my eyes forward. Nothing about the empty restaurant, dimly lit and catered by servers in crisp white ties and black aprons while classical music surrounded the tables, was like our parents.
Phillip left us once we gathered inside, and another man came to escort us through a hallway encased with stones and lit by candles, taking us further from home with each step toward Sadie. Mom was already crying, muttering things beneath her breath and twisting her most treasured rosary around her wrist. Benji slipped his arm around her shoulder and tugged her closer to him as we walked, me happily sneaking behind Amelia so I could be the last one in.
“You’re here!” Sadie shrieked, almost flying from her seat and toppling over the table to greet us. With the platinum dye faded from her dark brown hair, she looked older and more like me. Sadie’s twisted hairstyle revealed the enormous diamond pendant earrings that almost touched her bare shoulders.
Mom squeezed Sadie first, refusing to let go when Benji and Amelia tried to greet her. I was excited to see my little sister, to be part of her wedding, but I was in no hurry to hug her fiancé as our mom did next, leaving Sadie stuck between our brother and his wife. They were both dressed in white, Matthew’s tie blending in with his pristine shirt, and blindingly coordinated. Freshening up in the airport bathroom in a stall between mom and Amelia seemed embarrassing compared to the hours Sadie and Matthew probably took preparing for a dinner with family.
“Mia, it’s so wonderful to see you again,” Matthew called over my mom’s shoulder while they embraced. He didn’t try to hug me, which I appreciated, and instead nodded politely before shaking Benji’s hand and introducing himself. Matthew must’ve known I disliked him, and that was fine with me as long as my sister and their baby were safe, happy, and loved.
Sadie squirmed around the group to reach for my hand, grasping me excitedly as she bounced up and down. “Do you believe it?”
“Yes.” I smiled at her, forgetting her drama and all things London for a moment and really considering my little sister. “I’m so happy for you, Sadie.”
“Thank you, Mia. Remember when I’d steal your clothes and pretend to be a bride?” Sadie giggled, taking my hands in hers. She spread my palms around her small stomach, glowing. “And now I’m going to be married, and a mom.”
“You look great,” I told her, knowing that’s what she really wanted to hear. Sadie pulled me along to her side of the table, detailing the events for tomorrow’s rehearsal dinner and the wedding on Saturday. It was difficult to remember every detail through the fog of jetlag, especially when Amelia handed me a flute of champagne.
“I love you,” I mouthed to her, earning a wink and her adorable grin when she sat down between Benji and mom.
Servers brought the first course out to us as Matthew waited to stand and give a toast. At first, I’d observed his best effort to charm my family, and they all fell for it. Maybe I was the problem and my cynicism or baggage shielded me from accepting that he might actually be a decent human being, but then I remembered my conversation with Rhys about how both Matthew and Sadie were immature and I wasn’t sure how to view either in that moment.
Matthew moved animatedly, each motion filled with an excitement that I could see would make anyone attracted to his charm. His toast began with a poem about Sadie, love, and their new beginnings together, before he addressed our mom. He thanked her for Sadie, for letting her become his wife, even adding a piece about our father, who he mentioned by name, and the wish for him to be with all of us. It was a smooth move, and my mom fell for it like the perfect con.
When we raised our glasses to meet his extended arm, I noticed Matthew nod behind us and I didn’t need to turn to know everything changed.
It wasn’t the rehearsal dinner, but I should’ve prepared myself. It was London, after all.
Dressed in all black, his hair combed back as it had been the night we slept together, Rhys stood in the doorway looking like heartbreak.
“I thought it was just our family,” Benji muttered to me. “Is this the other one?” I nodded, turning back to my family and hoping Matthew would continue his speech. My body was restless beneath the table, so I lied to Benji and excused myself to use the restroom.
Clenching the marble vanity, I told myself everything would be okay and things could be normal, that I hadn’t lost control and fallen for the one I couldn’t have. When I blinked, all I saw was him standing behind us at the restaurant just then, his gorgeous naked body above mine the night we slept together, and I needed it all to go away until I flew home. New York could contain us both because I knew where to hide. I was too vulnerable in London.
