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Every day I wake in a panic, worried that things didn’t go as planned back in Monsterland, that the invasion of monsters from the future is still coming.
Twice a day, with the obsession of a prison guard, I check all the locks on the doors that seal the bridges leading to Monsterland.As if any of that will help us if the wall falls.They’ll come right through the naked doorways. No wall. No bridge. No filters.
I just wish there were a way for Alwar to send word. What happened? How bad was the attack? Did they win? Is that why he hasn’t sent word because he no longer exists?
Wishful thinking. Because if Monsterland were gone, wouldn’t this place be gone, too?Maybe even I’ll disappear.Erased by a future that never happens.
I don’t know. In the meantime, I have to pretend that life will go on.
It’s summer now, and I’m putting the cash I got from selling Alwar’s diamond to good use. The house is under major construction—foundation repair, new support beams, insulation, and siding. The retaining wall that prevents the estate from flooding is being rebuilt, too. Four hundred thousand dollars just to keep this place from falling apart.
That doesn’t include the grounds that need help, or the new septic and well water pump. That’s going to cost another fifty grand. Plus there’s the demolition of my old house that burned down.
Has to wait until next year.
I need to start thinking about making a home for me and this baby. We have wood stores for the winter to worry about, too. When the snow comes, the propane trucks can’t always get out here to refill our tank, so we reserve that fuel for cooking. For heat we use wood.
“Let’s get some breakfast and go into town to buy bread. Sound good?” I ask my stomach, which gurgles in response. I pretend it’s the baby. “Excellent choice.”
I also pretend I’m at ease with all this because my lies are better for the creature in my belly.Yeah. Like it doesn’t know I can’t breathe or sleep. Or that I have constant nightmares while waiting for the shoe to drop. Or that I’m so lonely I could die. But I can’t stand the thought of bringing anyone here. Ground zero. If I leave, it will be in body only. My mind will still be trapped here. In hell. Wondering if the end is near.
Five months later.
“You’re coming along very nicely, Lake. Four more weeks, and we can put a fork in it.”
I try not to wince at my ob-gyn, Dr. Francis. His words remind me of the time Tiago fed me a baby snail fetus from a dead Snail woman. The thought still makes me gag.
“And no change on the birth plan, correct?” he asks.
“Nope. Still planning to come here.” It’s over an hour’s drive to Oil City, but I figure once I go into labor, I’ll have plenty of time to get here.
“You need a backup plan, Lake. Not all babies like to wait. When they’re ready, they’re ready.”
I wish I were ready. It’s been eight months since I came home, and I still feel like this is all a dream. None of it is real. Maybe because I’m afraid of getting attached to all this—my baby, my beautiful forest, the tranquility of a world withoutmonsters. I feel like I’m going to wake up one morning, living in Monsterland again, fighting for my life.
I give Dr. Francis’s words some thought. If there was ever a baby full of surprises, it would be this one. Right? “Sure. Okay. Give me the list.” He’s mentioned several urgent care centers closer to home. They’re not much, but they can at least deliver a baby and give it oxygen if needed. The staff is trained in emergency C-sections, too.
He pats my shoulder. “I’ll be right back. You can get dressed now.” He’s about to leave, but then stops. “Oh, I hope you don’t mind, but we have a pool going. Will she be Rain, Storm, Snow, or River?”
My stomach dips and then rolls.
I didn’t want to know if it was a girl or boy. Dr. Francis knows that. Not because I’m one of those people who thinks the surprise is just “so fun!” But because I wanted it to be a boy so badly. I want it to be a little Gabrio. He deserved that after what he did for me. I wanted it so much that I was afraid I wouldn’t love this child if she was a girl. I figured my only hope of loving her was looking into her eyes when she’s born and forgetting everything else.
I look down at the floor, feeling like the rug’s been pulled out from under me.
“I just made a very big mistake, didn’t I?” Dr. Francis shakes his head, berating himself. “I’m very sorry. I forgot you wanted it to be a surprise.”
“It’s fine,” I say through gritted teeth.
“The nurse asked me if I knew because we started a little pool. We all know you Norfolk women have a set of names and—I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. I just don’t know how it slipped my mind.”
“It’s okay,” I say, but it’s not. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go home and try to process what I’m feeling, which isn’tgood. I feel like I’ve somehow erased Gabrio. It’s not true, but that’s how I feel.
“Please accept my apologies. Be right back with that list.” He leaves and closes the door behind him. I slide off the gown and begin the tiring task of putting my underwear back on. Then comes my floral tent.
A girl. A girl like me.I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought for sure it would be a boy. But how do I prepare a girl for what’s coming? The violence. The hungry creatures. I realize I wanted a boy because maybe he’d have a better chance of surviving in the world that’s waiting for us. But maybe that’s all wrong, a weird bias in my head. I’m still here, aren’t I?
I slide my fat, swollen cankled feet into my flip-flops. It’s winter now, but that’s not why I’m shaking. I need to rethink everything.
