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Chad
I am still conflicted, and I still don’t know whether I am doing this right or not. Everything about Seraphine calls to me. And now that we’ve been together physically, it feels as if a barrier has been lifted and there’s no going back. I’m not sure I would evenwantto go back if it was an option anyway.
Yes, there are at least a million reasons why I should stay away from her. She’s my neighbor, she’s my office assistant, she’s stubborn and spontaneous and she thinks with her heart instead of her head. Maybe some of those are the exact reasons that I am starting to care about her so much. And as much as I have tried to deny it, it is starting to get easier to admit to myself that my feelings for Seraphine are growing.
Lilly, of course, absolutely adores her.
It’s strange because I thought that even if I were to ever be with another woman again, which I had no intention of doing in any serious way, that my daughter would be the most resistant to it. I never wanted her to feel as if I would move on and replace her mother. But maybe there is some truth to what Seraphine had been trying to tell me at the cottage. maybe Lilly does really want to move on, not to forget about her mother, but to make the memories of her crystallize as good ones instead of dwelling in the grief and sadness.
Bella wouldn’t want her to stay sad. I don’t think Bella would want me to stay sad either. It’s just a hard thing to let go of.
Moving on makes it feel as if it never happened, as if Bella never existed. I know that’s irrational but holding onto my grief is the only thing I have left to hold onto of hers.
Regardless, change is happening, and I think it’s for the better. Everything seems to be pushing forward toward a more positive future than the last couple of years have been.
The three of us get along instinctively. During the day, Seraphine and I work side-by-side. I sometimes forget that this is her first office job because she seems to handle everything with such ease as it gets handed to her. She still hasn’t stopped drawing in the margins, but now I find myself looking forward to the little creatures and doodles that are decorating the sides of the pages.
At night, we go back to the house together, and listen to Lilly talk about her day at school. Lilly’s ankle injury is healing, and pretty soon she will be back dancing. She talks excitedly every night, more and more, about how she has been able to overcome this injury and how hard she will work to make up for any lost progress. I can’t imagine that she will have lostthatmuch progress in dance, especially since I’ve practically paid a salary for the private dance instructor coming to the house every day.
As we sit there listening to her, both Seraphine and I radiate with happiness. It’s the first time since the accident that Lilly and I have both been so happy again, and I know that it haseverythingto do with Seraphine.
The repairs on her cottage are proceeding quickly, as is always the case when there’s money to throw into it. We work on it together over the weekends and some nights after work when we’re not too tired. Sometimes, Lilly comes and acts as if she is the overseer to the progress being made. We laugh, and the work gets done faster. Pretty soon, Seraphine will be able to move back into her cottage. Considering how much Lilly and I both adore her, and how nice it has been to make this house feel like a home again, I’m not sure how I feel about that. Part of me—alargepart—doesn’t want her to leave.
There have been opportunities to talk about it. At night, when Seraphine and I sit in front of the fireplace sharing a bottle of wine and watching the first of the early winter snow fall outside, wecouldtalk about such things. It always feels as if it is lingering on the tip of my tongue like the delicious aftertaste of expensive wine. But neither one of us has brought up the topic. I sense that she is reluctant to talk about it too.
We haven’t had another reckless rush of intimacy, mostly because we’ve been so busy, and Lilly has been around, but also because the pressing need has been temporarily fulfilled. That’s not to say that I don’t still want her every single time I see her, and it takes everything that I can to keep my hands off of her. But I know better than to touch her again until I figure out how this is going to work out.
Even though things are going so well, and the three of us are acting like a little family, I know that Seraphine will eventually go back to her own house, and I will go back to being a single dad—exactlywhy I won’t lay a hand on her again. I don’t want to make it harder than it already will be when we go back to living in separate houses. And I don’t want to make it confusing for Lilly by getting more involved with Seraphine. She may be a very smart and mature twelve-year-old, but she’s still my little girl. The thought of having a family again is something too special to be ripped away for a second time.
Seraphine will go back to being my neighbor and office assistant again, and she will cease to be Lilly’s live-in art tutor, and an intense romantic temptation for me. I know that the reason neither of us has talked about it is that neither of us really wants it to happen. But reality is reality, whether we like it or not. There is no good reason to ask Seraphine to stay here and live in my house indefinitely. She has her own life, her own goals, and her own cottage to get back to.
For the first time since moving to North Carolina though, I’m finally starting to see that coming here to relocate my daughter and me to Asheville was the exact right thing to do. Not only did we get to meet Seraphine, but Lilly has found a great, supportive, small-town dance community here that she can thrive in, without the pressures and the intensity of the city. Here, we can create new memories that aren’t overshadowed by grief.
I know that even though I physically removed us from the place where it all happened, I’ve still be dwelling in grief. But now I finally think that I am ready to move on and I can see that my daughter is too.
The company has never done better, even though it was a rocky start at first. Having an assistant has helped me get a handle on things, and now the headquarters here in Asheville as well as the satellite offices in DC and around the country, are all thriving. We are on track for it to become our most successful and profitable year yet. I never would’ve guessed that stepping out of the rat race would have actually yielded such positive results. I made the decision to do it in an effort to cocoon myself and Lilly, but it ended up blossoming the company instead. A pleasant side-effect.
Going with my newly adopted theme of trying to have a positive attitude, I decide that since having Seraphine involved in our daily home life won’t last much longer, I will make the most of it while she is still here. We won’t be able to carry on like this forever, so why not enjoy it while we can?
“Hey,” I say to her as we get ready to leave the office together one evening. “Lilly is spending the night at a friend’s house tonight, and so I thought that maybe we could go out to do something fun. If you want, of course.”
Seraphine smiles at the idea.
“Like what?”
“Well, I was thinking that we could start with a delicious dinner, my treat of course, and then maybe go and check out a new gallery opening in downtown?”
“Oh, that sounds delightful! Let’s do it!”
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Tori cracking a smile as Seraphine and I walk out the door together.
The little downtown village is absolutely charismatic in wintertime. Everyone puts up lights and wreaths well in advance of the holiday season, just because it seems to set the mood and fit in with the cold air and snow. It makes everything feel nostalgic and cozy, and almost every one of the restaurants, at least the expensive ones, have small fireplaces inside to set the ambience for a romantic dinner. I’m not intentionally going for romance; it just comes with the package here during the winter season.
I take Seraphine to a little bistro where the food is delicious, and the wine is divine. After that, we head out to check one of the local gallery openings.
Seraphine looks entirely enamored by it all.
“This place is amazing,” she gushes. “The pieces here are so stylistic, and I’ve never seen pottery glazed in these colors before.”
