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“You look beautiful,” I smile at Lilly, who now has a perfectly formed bun resting on the crown of her head.
“Thanks Dad,” she beams. “Seraphine helped.”
Lilly walks out toward the car, and I whisper a “thank you” to Seraphine who nods and smiles in return. Then, the three of us head out to the performance hall to enjoy the Nutcracker ballet.
Sitting in the audience next to Seraphine pulls at my chest in a painful way like removing splinters from my heart. The last time that I sat in an audience with anyone beside me to watch Lilly dance, was when Bella was still alive. I’m very glad that Seraphine is here for Lilly, and that she is here sitting beside me, even though it’s a melancholy sort of happiness.
“Did you see my double pirouettes?” Lilly asks as I tuck her into bed later that night. “I nailed them!”
“Yes, I did,” I answer honestly. I probably wouldn’t have been able to pick them out if it hadn’t been for Seraphine nudging me in the arm when Lilly did them onstage. “I am so proud of you, Lillybean, you danced beautifully tonight.”
“Thanks Dad.” She beams as she starts to yawn.
I give her a kiss and leave. She is so tired after such a wonderful night that I think she falls fast asleep before I even make it to the doorway.
Seraphine is waiting in the kitchen, and I offer her a glass of wine as soon as I get there.
“No thank you,” she says politely.
“I’ve never known you to turn down a glass of wine at night,” I say, realizing that I shouldn’t assume that I know her as much as I feel like I do.
When she was staying here with us, she and I had a glass of wine by the fireplace nearly every night. I find it a bit strange and out of character for her.
“Are you feeling sick again?”
“No, I feel fine. But I should probably get going home since it’s getting late.”
She turns to leave, and I just can’t bring myself to let her go yet. It’s been such a nice night and things have felt sorighthaving her here. I know that once she leaves again, we will go back to our neighborly, work relationship only again.
“Stay,” I blurt out. “Just for a little while. I’ll make you a cup of tea.”
She smiles and nods. “I’d like that. Who can refuse mint tea by the fireplace on a cold night?”
I pour myself a glass of wine and brew a cup of steaming tea for Seraphine, and then we take our drinks in front of the fire. After stoking a few flames, I sit down beside her, and we start to talk. “Lilly was so beautiful tonight,” she says. “She is truly a talented dancer. You should be so proud of her.”
“I am. Thank you for coming.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t have missed it.”
I stare into her eyes as I sit close to Seraphine, and the thought crosses my mind to lean forward and kiss her again, but then there is a sound in the doorway. I look over and see Lilly standing there smiling at the two of us with a glass of water in her hand.”
“Lilly,” I say, startled. “I thought you were asleep.”
“I was, but then I woke up super thirsty and came to get some water.” She glances over and smiles first at Seraphine and then back at me.
“I’m glad you’re still here Seraphine,” she says. “I like it a lot better when we are all afamily.”
Her innocent remark makes me shift nervously in my seat, as Seraphine makes the small sound of breath catching in her throat. Neither of us knows what to say in response to that. And the truth is that I feel the same way as my daughter does.
“Goodnight again,” Lilly says before either Seraphine or I find words to respond to her. She walks back to her bedroom with her glass of water in hand, leaving Seraphine and me on the couch without words.
It has completely put me on the spot.
And finally, I decide that this whole attempt to avert my feelings is stupid and just not working. What is it that I am trying to hold onto or afraid to let go of? When I really think about it, the answer is nothing. So, in a leap of faith, I decide that I am finally ready for love again. Seraphine already feels like love and family to me. She's already become a major part of our life here, even in a short time. And she's made me feel happy again, which is something that I thought would never happen. She's made Lilly happy too. So, I choke down my apprehension and tell her how I really feel.
“Seraphine, I agree with Lilly,” I say quietly as I reach over to place my hand on top of hers against the flat surface of her thigh. “I like it better when you are here with us too. It does feel like the three of us make a good family when we are all together, and I’ve missed that feeling ever since you went back to your cottage.”
“What are you saying?” she asks. Her face is wrinkled in concern. Not exactly the reaction that I was hoping for. Maybe she’s just as nervous and hesitant as I have felt. After all, she’s been on her own for a while too.
