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“Don’t make promises you have no way of knowing you’ll be able to keep.”
“At least let me try.”
Let him in? The concept is foreign to me. Foreign, terrifying, and would mean me giving up any last semblance of control. “You don’t know what you’re asking of me.”
“Perhaps I do, perhaps I don’t. I would very much like the opportunity to show you what love could look like. If you will let me.”
Chelsea
Somewhere deep down I want to believe Lucian and I could be more. But how can a relationship, an engagement built on a foundation of lies develop into something real?
Lucian’s breath warms the side of my face as he leans in for a kiss. But I place my palm against his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me today is your birthday?”
“It’s two o’clock in the morning. My birthday was yesterday if you want to be pedantic.”
I pin him with a pointed stare. “Not funny.”
Lucian shrugs. “I’m not laughing.” When I say nothing, Lucian continues. “I’m just not big on celebrations.”
Ignoring my palm, which is still flat against his chest, he leans in for a second time. His lips press against mine, and he waits patiently. When I don’t pucker my lips in response he opens his eyes and our gazes meet.
Waves of pain travel the length of my body as I stare deep into his emerald greens. But those emerald greens are gone in a flash as he looks away, seemingly unable to hold eye contact. I know what it’s like to shut people out, because I’ve done it for most of my life. Like the tip of an iceberg, there is only so much the outside world can see, but there is so much more hidden beneath the surface. I want him to allow me to get close enough that I can dunk my head underwater and see what no one else can. But the tide between us has turned and, as opposed to him letting me get closer, I can feel him pushing me away.
Apart from my therapist, Lucian is the only person I’ve opened up to about my past. That means something, and it hurts deep inside that he doesn’t feel able to confide in me. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Nothing.” His response is immediate.
“That’s precisely my point, you’re telling me nothing,” I fire back.
Lucian sighs and his expression changes. The mattress dips as he shuffles away and sits on the edge of the bed.
“I just want to know—” I begin but stop talking when Lucian flings out his arms.
“Want to know what?” Lucian’s voice rises an octave, and I can hear the annoyance in his tone. “That my mother had cancer, and that she died on my fifteenth birthday? Is that what you want to know?”
Oh, my God. What the hell do I say? Why did I keep pushing him? Birthdays are inherently days filled with celebration, but instead for Lucian they are filled with sorrow. I scrape my fingers through my hair. Each word he said replays over in my mind, like tiny blades digging deeper and deeper into my subconscious.
“I’m so sorry,” I choke out, my throat burning.
Lucian shakes his head. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I don’t need your pity.”
He may not want my pity, but he needs me in this moment, more than he realises. I shuffle forward and reach out to comfort him when he jerks away. “Please, don’t touch me.”
His rejection hurts, it hurts like a sucker punch to the stomach. In this moment his pain becomes my pain. A solitary tear spills from the corner of my eye and makes its slow journey down my cheek.
Lucian doesn’t so much as look my way. His chin is resting on his hands, which he has clenched into tight fists. His body is so rigid. His jaw is tense, causing the muscle to tick. He looks so tightly wound that one wrong move would cause him to snap.
Physically Lucian and I are so close, yet mentally we couldn’t be further apart. Emotions like bullets shoot at me from every direction, and I can’t bear the pain of the onslaught.
“Lucian,” I whisper. “I know what it’s like to keep all your feelings bottled up. I know what it’s like to shut people out. It’s a lonely place to be. But you don’t need to do that any more. I’m here and you can—”
“I can what?” Lucian laughs, but it isn’t with humour. “Share with you my innermost thoughts, and we deal with everything I’ve bottled up together?”
I suck in my lips. He has taken the words out of my mouth, but they don’t have the same sentiment coming from him.
Lucian shakes his head. “You won’t force emotion from me. I’m a Calloway, it simply is not and was not allowed.”
Allowed?
