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I grit my teeth. “And I’m going to try to find happiness for myself. But. I can’t go.” When it looks like she’s going to protest, I almost shout, “You know why.”
“Why?”
“Are you seriously asking me this?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t go because.” I look at the ceiling. “I can’t get into a car.”
“Okay?”
“What’s wrong with you? I cannot get into a car. I throw up, remember? I get claustrophobic. I can’t… My parents died in a car crash. I haven’t touched my car, the car that I used to freaking love, in a year now. How do you think I’m going to get to this date? Ryan’s going to want to pick me up and I just can’t.”
Tina’s looking at me like I’m crazy. “That’s not even.” She throws up her hands. “That’s not even an excuse. Take the bus.”
Legit point.
“But –”
“No. No buts. You’re going out with Ryan. End of discussion.”
“I –”
“Look, you can’t stop living, Cleo. You can’t. Remember what you told me about Neal? Why you went out with him in the first place?”
I stubbornly remain silent.
“You went out with him because you wanted to know what it felt like. What it felt like to be in love with a boy. Because all you ever felt for a guy was hate. Look what happened last night, Cleo. You blew up. You have so much anger and sadness inside you because of what happened to you at St. Patrick’s. You need to move on.”
Tears fill my eyes and I don’t know how to stop them.
“Ever since Zach came back, you’ve been jumpy. You’ve been consumed by him. All you ever do is think about him and what he’s going to do to you. What you can do to him. He’s the only thing on your mind.”
She’s right.
The guy I hate is the only thing on my mind. He’s the first thing I think about when I open my eyes in the morning. He’s the last thing I see when I close them. He doesn’t even leave me alone in my dreams.
It’s worse than what it was at St. Patrick’s. When school was over, I got to cross the line and go back home. That invisible line between the south side and the north protected me from him.
But now I live where he lives.
There’s this constant awareness of him being around. My heart’s always ready to pound at the slightest smell of him. The butterflies are flapping their sharp wings, making me bleed on the inside. My lungs are always on the verge of losing air.
I’m obsessed with him, with the way I hate him, with the way he makes me feel.
“I don’t know…”
“I’m not blaming you,” Tina says. “I never blamed you. He’s the asshole. He’s the bad guy in this situation. The bully. But don’t you think it’s time to just let it go? Don’t let him win, Cleo. Don’t let him ruin even the slightest chance you have of finding love or even going on an awesome date. Ryan is amazing. Your parents loved him, remember? Go. Live your life. You deserve happiness. You deserve to dull the pain. You deserve to fall in love.”
I do.
I certainly, certainly do.
When Zach left, I could’ve dated. Not that people were asking me out on dates at St. Patrick’s but still. He wasn’t there to ruin it for me. I could’ve kissed and made out, even lost my virginity. I could’ve done all those things but I never did. For some reason, it never even entered my mind.
But Tina’s right. Again.
I deserve to fall in love and find out what my parents had. They were so in love with each other. Like disgustingly in love, and I always thought that one day I’d find someone to be crazy in love with too.
