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I had a best friend up until six months ago, suddenly she became popular, and all the guys wanted to be with her. Sadie fucking Clemmons. We were friends for so long, but now I’m less than the dirt on her shoes. She’s done everything in her power to make the whole school, who already hate that I go there, hate me more. It makes no sense, but it is what it is. So instead of hanging out with my friends on the weekends, I find myself curled up in a worn down beanbag in the corner of the library, reading. Well, escaping is more like it. Neill and Mandy often help me find books that can offer great escapes. I trust them more than I trust anyone at my school. I’ve been coming to the library for so long that they know exactly what I like to read. Mandy more so than Neill. She’s a few years older than me, but her parents left her the library, and since she wasn’t old enough to run it, Neill was left in charge until she came of age.
“Ronni,” my mom whispers my name. I turn to look at her, but as I do, I watch her eyes roll back just as she buckles at the knee.
“Mom!” I shout trying to catch her, but I don’t. Darrell jumps as Mom pulls at his shirt, nearly knocking him down with her. Even though I know it’s only seconds, it feels like a lifetime as I watch Darrell pick her up and walk down the bleachers.
Darrell’s shouting at Dash and Colson, but all I can do is reach out for my mom as I run beside Darrell. He carries her down and out of the outdoor stadium and down to the car. “Mom. Wake up!” I shout as Darrell puts her in the back seat.
“Veronica. Get in the back with your mom. Dash and Colson, wait for Mitch and then tell him that we’re headed to the hospital.” Darrell opens his driver door, but I just stand there. “Veronica!” Darrell’s voice snaps me out of my daze.
I jump into the car and lift my mother’s head, placing it in my lap. “Please wake up.” I feel the heat running down my cheeks, the tears fall without me wanting them to. Darrell drives us, but all I can do is run my finger over her forehead, moving her dark hair out of her face. She has to be okay, I have no one else left. It’s just me and her. She’s my everything.
Sitting in the hospital waiting room is like having hot iron pokers stabbed into your chest over and over, waiting for the news of my mother’s tests is fucking dreadful. Today was supposed to be a happy day, Mitch graduated high school. Instead we await the doctor, to tell us what happened.
I sit here, staring at the floor. The carpet makes no sense; we’re in a hospital, but why is the room so depressing? There isn’t one sign of happiness, or welcomeness to it. It's a very dark feeling, and I don’t like it. The light gray walls with medical posters, and the dark gray carpet with the stupid blue medical symbol on them.
“Mr. Yates.” I can hear it in the doctor’s tone, the way he holds his head up and proud doesn’t turn me away from the news he’s come to tell me. “Your wife.”
There’s a long pause, “What about her?” I cry out. “Where’s my mom?” I move forward, but a hand pulls me back, tucking me into an arm. I look up to see Colson holding me. I tell myself that I won’t cry, but I can feel the heat in my cheeks and the burn in my eyes. I’m one wrong look away from letting the flood gates open.
“She’s resting in a room right now. She had a drop in oxygen saturations, which is what caused her to faint. We’ve run several tests, and we are waiting for some of them to come back. We did an X-Ray on her lungs after checking her oxygen levels.” The doctor flips through the papers in a folder. I’d guess it’s her file, but I watch his face as he continues to drone on using medical terms. I have no idea what they are. All I know is that my mom is back in a room resting.
“So we’ll have to wait for the results before we know anything really?” Darrell says with a bite to his tone.
The doctor clears his throat. “Yes.” He nods and starts to turn away to leave.
“Wait!” I shout, stepping out of Colson’s grip. “Can I go back and see her?” I ask, hoping that he lets me. If he says no, that’ll be what sends me into tears.
“Of course. Only one of you though. She needs her rest.” I turn back to look at Darrell.
“Go ahead. I’m gonna send the boys home, I’ll be out here if you need anything.” Darrell offers me a soft smile. He’s always been so nice, letting us live with him, taking care of us like he does everyone else. But who takes care of him? I know my mom hides away in their room when she’s not with me. And even though they share a room, they sleep in separate beds.
I give Darrell a slight nod and follow the doctor down the hall into a room that is dark except for the lights from all of the machines. They have her hooked up to so many machines. “It seems scary, but all of these are just watching her or helping her. Making sure that she stays with us.” The doctor motions for me to go into the room.
My feet carry me to the side of the bed. “Did you guys give her something to sleep, or is she just sleeping on her own?” I ask. I don’t really know how this all works.
“We gave her something to help her sleep. There’s a red button on the side of the bed, if youneedanything just press it. The nurses are keeping an eye on the machines, and should anything go wrong, they will call me right away.” The doctor turns to open the door again. “You can hold her hand and lay your head next to her, but stay out of the bed so you don’t pinch any of the lines.”
I watch as he leaves the room, making it so it's just me, her, and the beeping sounds. Picking up her hand, I’m careful of the IV thing they have pinned into her hand. “Mom,” I whisper softly. “I need you to come back to me.” I drop to my knees, feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. She doesn’t respond of course, she can’t.
Prayer. I will pray, even through all these tears, God will hear me. I go every Sunday to Church. I’m a good person. I do good things. I’m never selfish. Maybe he’ll listen to me. I close my crying eyes and take a few deep breaths in. Silent prayer is my way to go. Please listen.
God, I’ve never asked you for anything. I’m a good person, and I always do the right things. I never judge people, and I never take things for granted. I just need you to hear this one thing from me, and I swear I’ll never ask for another thing. Even on my own death bed. Please don’t take her from me. Not yet, I’m still learning what it means to be a good human, and all I know, I’ve learned from her. She still has so much to teach me.
So please, if you could do anything. Let me keep my mom for a while longer.
Please…
Fifty One Weeks Ago
Spring break offers so many things to the soul. You’re free from classes for a whole week, and I get to spend every waking moment with my mom. Her diagnosis was stage two lung cancer. That was almost a year ago, and she’s been doing so much better. When she started chemo, I went shopping with Dash and bought her a few scarves to cover her balding head. I told her I would shave my head in support, but she nearly lost her mind, saying that I should never cut off my beautiful hair.
I bust through the front door and run upstairs. “Mom!” I open her door to find her sleeping. I hate when I wake her up, but I’m so excited to spend time with her.
“Hey, honey,” she says, pushing up off her bed. “How was school?”
“Lame and full of spoiled brats as normal. But, enough about that. I picked up a new book today for us to read together!” I pull the book from my bag and bounce onto her bed. Darrell’s gotten onto me a few times for being too rough around her, but I feel like it’ll help strengthen her.
“That’s great.” She makes a hissing sound.
