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“No, you don’t! Trust me. I’m speaking from experience. I’ve just come out of an abusive relationship that I told myself was for the best. Exactly what I needed. The truth is I was only doing it to please everybody else. Do you know who I forgot about? Me. I forgot about me. What I need. I’ve changed. I’ve learned. Damn anyone who judges me for it. I know what I want. Call it my survival instinct, but I just want to go.”
“That’s not survival. That’s running away.”
“Don’t say that to me after everything I’ve gone through. I stayed with that psycho because I thought no matter how bad it was, it was what I deserved. Getting fucked like a cheap whore every day. I was never cared about. I was never loved. I was used and abused. But you know the worst part? I let it happen. I stayed with him. I kept getting back into that bed every night.
I know now how stupid that was. I could’ve saved myself so many times, but I was too scared. Scared of being alone. Scared of what the world would say. Scared I would face another day like that one at school. I put everyone else in front of myself.
I’m not doing that now. I know exactly what I want and I want you to come with me. Let’s travel the world. No more fighting, in any shape or form, for either of us. No more injuries and no more fear. You used to want that so badly. Just for us to be together. Don’t you want that anymore?”
“Yes.” Ava admitted thickly. “But you’re asking me to step away from something I’ve wanted all my life.”
“Baby, it’s killing you! Why do this to yourself again? It’s like me with the abuse. Fighting has only ever hurt you. This is your chance to leave for good, but you want back in after everything you’ve been through. Please, listen to me,” Jasmine said as she cupped Ava’s face. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“It’s who I am, hun. It’s who I am. She took four months of my life away. I won’t let her take my dream.”
“So this is about revenge? You’re going to put your body through hell, willingly again, to what, prove a point? Who cares what the press says? You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”
“Yes, I do. To myself.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I need to know that I matter. That I’m worth something.”
“You’re worth something tome. Isn’t that enough?”
The next few seconds broke their hearts. They were filled with Ava’s silence. She wanted to tell Jasmine that her love was all she needed. But it would be a lie. And she’d rather be hated for telling the truth than loved for a falsehood.
To not fight because her body couldn’t was one thing. To be able to fight but not do so because of fear or mental trauma? No. She wouldn’t accept that. And to be able but not do so because the person she loved didn’t want her to? That was worse.
She would always wonder what if. She would always desire that steel surrounding her. And she would always want to look in Veronica Nash’s eyes one more time. If she denied herself that just to please Jasmine, Ava knew she would grow to resent her over time.
She had to be honest. A life lived in fear was a life half lived. She repeated that line to Jasmine. Their favourite from a movie they both adored.
“Don’t say that, Ava. Don’t do this. I’m begging you to come away with me. Forget all this misery. It will be OK. I swear it will. Let it go. Please... let it go.”
Ava sighed, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “I can’t.”
Jasmine’s lip trembled. “I have to go.”
Ava blinked several times. “You have to do what you have to do... and so do I.”
Jasmine rose, covered her mouth and turned for the door. She made it several steps but turned back and gripped Ava in a desperate hug, breathing deeply. “I have to go. I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” Ava replied, stroking Jasmine’s hair and letting tears fall. “So am I.”
“I love you so much,” Jasmine sobbed.
“I’ve never stopped.”
It was the truth. Jasmine had once meant everything to Ava, and she’d never stopped loving her. Maybe she never would. But neither of them had been the same after that day at school. They’d found their way back to each other, but they’d both been abused and had changed. So much had changed, and they couldn’t give what the other needed anymore.
Sometimes, despite the best intentions, people drift back towards each other but don’t fit the same way. It was sad but not the end of the world. At least that’s what Ava kept telling herself so that she’d let Jasmine leave without begging her to stay.
She couldn’t change for anyone. Love, true love, no matter how hard, didn’t work like that. Compromise should never cost either person who they were inside. Whoever Ava found love with would want all of her, or they’d get none of her. Ava believed Jasmine understood this as she felt her cry harder, giving Ava one last squeeze, before letting go to turn and walk out the door.
