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It was clear they all wanted children, and I would eventually have to crush their dreams.
I barely heard the woman telling us to enjoy our time here, barely noticed her handing Byron the bags of food nor the way Royce protested against feeding wild animals that could probably bite him.
Byron held a packet of the reindeer food out to me. “Shall we?”
I stared at it blankly for a moment. “I-I’m sorry, I… excuse me.” I spun away from him and dashed off into the market, ignoring his calls.
As I made my way between the stalls, I forced myself to take deep breaths. I felt as though I’d pass out if I didn’t.
“Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho!”
Somehow, I’d reached Santa’s grotto, where the reindeer happened to be and where Santa was handing out candies to everyone.
Children and their parents flocked to him, begging for their chance to speak with the rotund old man and tell him their Christmas wishes while they loaded themselves up on sugar.
Seeing happy families had never bothered me in the past. I thought I’d come to accept I’d never have a family of my own, but the way I was feeling lately only proved that all I had done was push my emotions deep down inside me. Now the vault was open, unwittingly raided by the men I loved, leaving me feeling like a great gaping wound.
Santa looked my way and took in my downtrodden expression. He gently dismissed the children and came over to me. “You look as though you could use some Christmas cheer more than anyone. How about a candy cane?”
I forced myself to smile at the kind man as I took the treat from him. “Thank you.”
“Tell me, what would you like for Christmas?”
It took me a few moments to respond to his question while I attempted to calm my breathing. “I’d like for the people I love to accept me for who I am, flaws and all, including what I might not be able to give them.”
Santa stroked his white whiskers. “Hmm… that sounds complicated.”
I sighed.
“I may not be able to grant your wish, but let me offer you some wisdom. It is simply that if someone loves you enough, they won’t want anything from you in return. They will accept you for who you are and who you aren’t, and everything you are and are not capable of. There’s no rhyme or reason to love. It can be tough. It needs a lot of work and nurturing. But if you can work hard enough, I believe the outcome is well worth the effort. How much do you love this man?”
Unwilling to inform him that I held love in my heart for not one but six men, I simply said, “So much I can’t breathe sometimes.”
“Then work for him. But make sure he works for you, as well, and remember your worth.”
I twirled the candy cane between my fingers and sent him a rueful smile. “Thank you, Santa.”
“Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.” I turned away from him and continued wandering along. I shouldn’t have stopped in front of the reindeer. Whenever animals were around, I was like a bear to a honeypot, which meant my behavior was easily predictable, and I could easily be found when I would rather be alone.
“Lou, there you are.” Jack marched toward me, his broad shoulders stiff. I began to move away from him, but he reached out and grabbed my arm. “Hey, why’d you run away from us?”
I gulped back a sob. “All that talk of children…”
“What about it?” After a moment, Jack smirked. “Did I freak you out a little? I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to move fast or anything.”
I shook my head and lowered my gaze. “It’s not like that.”
Jack’s hands made their way up my arms and came to rest on the back of my shoulders. He pulled me closer. “I hate seeing you sad, pretty girl.”
“I want to tell you, but I’m afraid to,” I confessed.
“Why?”
I pressed my lips together into a thin line and squeezed my eyes shut.
Jack hugged me. “Tell me when you’re ready.”
