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No, I’m not cracking up. The Sleeping Lady is my Wilson volleyball on the proverbial deserted island on which Herc has left me stranded.
“Maybe I should skip this entire weekend,” I sigh.
Leela would understand.
The Sleeping Lady doesn’t answer, of course. But she sees me. She knows my secrets.
I’m about one Xanax away from walking into those ancient woods and disappearing. I could just lay down in the dirt and fall asleep until everyone has moved on. Let me sleep until Herc marries a much sweeter girl than me. Honestly, I should not be awake for any of it because the jealousy would force me to burrow into the ground and never be seen again.
Even then, The Sleeping Lady will take care of me. She gets it.
As I sit in my little boat on the water, gazing over the lake, my thoughts hearken back to the last time I saw Herc.
“The safe word exists for a reason. You’ll recall I didn’t use it,” I say.
“Maybe I’m the one who should’ve used it.”
I cup his face. “And if you’d said it, I would have stopped.”
“That’s just the problem,” he says, his voice cracking. “I didn’t use it. I knew I was hurting you, but a part of me didn’t care. Not until I saw the blood. And I panicked.”
“You should have let me talk you down instead of ghosting me.”
“It was a good thing I did ghost you.”
Ouch. That stings worse than our silly little accident.
Even while he says these hurtful things, he gently covers my hand and presses a hard kiss to the center of my palm. His breath is ragged, and I desperately want to help him see reason. Herc hurt me severely by disappearing but seeing him like this is far worse for me. He’s tormenting himself, and I hate it.
“If I hadn’t taken a step back, I wouldn’t have seen the entire picture. The bruises, the rope burns, the bite marks. But, the blood, Meghan. The blood made me realize we’d gone too far. We should never have gone down that road in the first place.”
I want to remind him that we know how to do after-care. When it’s over, we talk and cuddle. Tend to wounds, yes, but also check in emotionally. Talk through what works and what doesn’t. See if there’s anything else the other person needs to feel safe, and we give it no judgments.
But now’s not the time to remind him. And besides, he knows all of that. He’s just so frightened of how far we’ve gone.
“Are you scared of what you did to me or how close all of this has brought us together? Are you perhaps worried that I’m the only girl who will be able to do this kind of shit with you, and you aren’t sure you want to be stuck with just me for the rest of your life? Help me understand. Because as much as it pains me to say it, the internet is full of women like me, my love.”
Herc drops my hand and scrubs his face. His shoulders sag. He rubs the back of his shorn head. This is where a man should say, “No, there’s no one else in the world like you, Meghan.” But he doesn’t say it, and I don’t need him to stroke my ego.
My hands long to reach out and touch him there, caress the nape of his neck and give this man some comfort. But this is not that sort of conversation. I know what this is. This is a breakup conversation.
“None of the above. I’m scared of who I’m becoming when I’m with you. A girlfriend should make you feel like a better person. Or make you want tobea better person. When I’m with you, I want to do bad things.”
If that doesn’t make a girl feel like shit, I don’t know what will.
“Herc. Baby, those two things are not mutually exclusive.”
He just stares at me, not getting it.
The text notification frees me from dwelling on that awful conversation.
Sigh. Thanks for listening, Sleeping Lady.
Ashley: Hey, sis! Sorry for the late notice, but I’m leaving a family thing a little bit tipsy, so I’m catching a ride to the Riverwalk. And I had an idea. Is it okay if I have a plus-one for our weekend at the lake house?
My sorority sister is wording things vaguely, but I get the impression that Ashley has a boyfriend? That means I’ll be the only single person. Other than my mom, whose appearances may be minimal. But what am I going to say? No? Turn around and get rid of the extra guest and find another ride?
Me: Sure. The more, the merrier.
