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“I was practically in a coma. You fucked the life out of me.” His morning voice is low and scratchy.
“Me?” I giggle when he tickles my side.
“Yes, you. You naughty little minx.” He runs a hand over my naked body. “Are you sore?”
“A little.” I lean my head back so his lips find my mouth. “I need to brush my teeth.”
“Shut up,” he moans into my mouth as his fingers tease me between my thighs. “You promised to obey me, remember?”
I’m sore—very sore—but I don’t want him to stop. He rolls me to my back, pinning my hands overhead while he settles between my thighs. We’re both ready, wanting—no, needing more. He reaches for a condom and rolls it on, entering me immediately.
This morning it’s slow and intimate. His eyes stay focused on mine as he lazily pumps in and out of me. It feels like so much more than sex. This is making love, and it’s terrifying because I can’t tell if I’m in lust, if this is just a rebound, or if I’m truly falling for Alex Snow.
* * *
It’s beenfour days since Christmas, and Alex and I have spent at least a few hours each day together, hanging out at our apartments and watching movies, getting dinner together, or going to see a movie. Tomorrow will be our first day back at the office.
“Are you nervous?” Caleb asks as our friend group enjoys lunch together.
“Very.” I dip my fry into ketchup and pop it into my mouth.
“Do you want to talk to him about what you guys are or just let it play out?” Karlie chimes in.
Ariel looks over at me. “Or maybe just see where things go and not try to complicate it yet?”
I lean back in my chair, chewing the fry as I mull over their questions. The truth is, I have no idea what I want. After facing the firing squad this morning with their fifty thousand questions about the sex and how my family reacted when I showed up with Alex at their house on Christmas morning, my brain is fried.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I feel like I’m too scared to trust my gut since I completely got things wrong with Tim. It’s like…” I pause, thinking over my words. “I know what I want. I want a life with someone like Alex. Someone who sees me for who I am, who likes my friends and enjoys justbeing.It’s effortless. I know every couple has issues and fights; I don’t mean that. I mean that I’m not always on eggshells with him. You should have seen him with my family. I felt so silly being worried about how he’d handle their craziness.” I laugh, remembering the way he so proudly strutted out in that Santa Speedo like he’d known my family his entire life.
“Are you worried that maybe it’s the honeymoon phase? That once you get back to being life after the holidays, it will be different?” Caleb’s usual joking demeanor has turned serious. I know he isn’t trying to plant doubt in my mind; he’s merely concerned as someone who cares deeply for me.
I nod. “Yes. But more than that, I’m worried that I haven’t healed from Tim. I’m worried that instead of facing all those feelings and dealing with them, I’m just ignoring them because I have Alex to distract me.”
“Maybe you guys should take some time apart. You can call Tim and get some closure. I assume that dickbag never texted you back?” Karlie raises her brow at me, referring to the text I sent him on Christmas Eve. I shake my head in response.
She has a point, and it’s probably the best plan. I’m heading into the office tomorrow, then we’re all off for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Alex insisted there was no point in me coming in for the day, since most of the office is still out, but there are a few end of year tasks I want to knock out.
“Are we still planning on chilling at your place for New Year’s, Karlie?” Ariel asks.
“Yes. I have all the snacks, but you guys need to bring the champagne.” She looks over at me. “You can invite Alex too if you want.”
“Thanks, but I think what you suggested is smart. Some time apart so I can sort my own shit out. You know what’s weird? Hanging out with him feels a lot like hanging out with you guys. It’s like hanging with my best friend, but we also have sex and insane chemistry and attraction.”
All three of them stare at me, quizzical expressions on their faces. Caleb finally speaks up. “Sweetie, that’s how relationshipsshouldbe. You should date someone that you want to be friends with; someone who makes you laugh and gets you and supports you but also knows how to fuck your socks off. This is what we’ve been trying to tell you for years about Tim. It wasn’t that we were assholes, it’s that we saw he wasn’t even a friend to you, he was merely someone who took up space in your life and used you.”
Caleb’s words hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know why it took me so long to get it, but I finally do. I know beyond any doubt that I don’t want Tim back. While I know Alex has been there to distract me from lonely nights, the truth is the first three weeks after Tim left, he wasn’t there. It was just me alone in my apartment with my thoughts. And while I’d cried, mourning the life I had built with him, not once did I really and truly miss him.
I think about Caleb’s comment all night and into the following morning while I get ready for work. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, like I’m finally giving myself permission to forgive myself and move on from that relationship. I grab my coffee thermos and sling my bag over my shoulder as I walk out of my apartment toward the train station.
When I arrive at work, the building is almost empty. Alex was right, nearly everyone is still out for the holidays. I exit the elevator and turn down the hallway toward my cubicle. As I approach, I see a small white bag on my desk. I place my things down and open the bag, peering inside to see a single maple donut.
“Thought you could use a little treat since you’re stuck here today.”
I spin around to see Alex sitting in the empty cubicle across from my desk.
“How’d I miss you?” I laugh, pulling the donut out of the bag and sinking my teeth into the still-warm pastry. “Thank you,” I mumble around a mouthful as he walks over to my desk and sits on the edge.
“You’re welcome.”
