Page 44 of This Woman


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I don’t look at him. “Briefly.”

“And she welcomed you with open arms, right?”

I breathe out, already exhausted by the day. He knows the answer to that. “Why are you so averse to this? Are you and Sarah working in cahoots?”

He frowns at the road. “What’s Sarah got to do with this?”

“She has an uncanny habit of appearing, calling, or texting whenever I’m a heartbeat away from...” I wonder how to put it without sounding like a total creep.

“What?”

I shake my head and screw the lid of my vice back on. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m not averse.”

“Then what are you?”

“Worried.”

“Why?”

He hums, not so quick to reply this time. I’m not drinking. I’m not shagging. He should be happy for me. “Give me one good reason why she’s a good idea,” he says.

“Because she makes me feel,” I answer without delay, and John looks across to me. I don’t give him a chance to question me. “Because the moment she walked into my office, my skin buzzed. My brain spun. My mind was elsewhere, and by elsewhere, I mean not at The Manor or at the bottom of a bottle of vodka. If there’s not something in that, I don’t stand a chance of ever being able to repent my sins or live a normal life.”

“You want to live a normal life?” He laughs. “You own The Manor, Jesse. You can’t lure a woman into falling for you without telling her who you really are.”

“Maybe The Manor isn’t who I really am,” I say quietly, looking out of the window. “Andlure? You make me sound like a fucking predator.”

John huffs a sardonic burst of laughter, and I scowl at the streets of London as they whizz past. “Have you tried talking to her? Conversation?”

“Yes.”

“You sure?”

I think hard, revisiting every encounter with Ava O’Shea. I find plenty of stalking and not much talking. In fact, with the exception of our first meeting when we chatted briefly about interiors and extreme sports, which was beyond pleasurable, the rest of our encounters have been lacking in the conversation department. “No,” I admit.

“Women like to talk.”

“Not always true.” I smile, and he sighs.

“You’re not dealing with any of the ladies of The Manor now. You’re thinking about a normal life with a normal woman? Then start acting normal, motherfucker.”

I sink into my seat. Normal. What the fuck is normal, anyway? “Did the CCTV get fixed?” I ask, diverting the conversation to other places. He nods, thoughtful, starting with the drumming of his fingers again, obviously done with talking. So I shut up and try my fucking hardest not to think. Impossible. It’s Friday. Lusso launch day. I should stay away. Give her space. Let me play on her mind. Perhaps she’ll reach out to me.

I wedge my elbow on the door and rest my thumping head in my hand.Stubborn.There’s no way I can stay away from my new apartment knowing she’s in there. I’m going. End of.

And normal? Ava isn’t normal. Normal for me is what I’m used to, and Ava isn’t what I’m used to. Or what I deserve.

“You will marry Lauren,” Dad says, pacing the kitchen as Mum, ever still and quiet these days since Jake died, hollow and lost, says nothing. “Of all the stupid things you’ve done, Jesse. All the stupid things!” His fury is palpable, his face red with it. “Are you trying to ruin us?” His hands slam on the table with force, making Mum jump, and he leans across, his lip on the verge of a snarl. I take no pleasure from the stress and hurt I have caused. Just like I stopped fighting to win their approval when Jake was alive, I’ve stopped fighting to win forgiveness. I have nothing left in me, so rather than fight, I will surrender. I’ll do what I should do and hope it redeems me in some way. Hope it alleviates this unbearable pressure on my shoulders. Hope it brings peace. For all of us.

“I will be a good husband, Dad. A good father.” I won’t throw my weight around. Apply unnecessary pressure upon my kids. Make them feel useless.

He snorts. “I won’t hold my breath.”

“Hey.” John’s distant voice brings me back into the car, and I turn my eyes onto him. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I say, blinking away my memories. “I’m fine.”

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