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“I’ve thought of nothing else, John,” I assure him. “Trust me, she’s on my mind constantly.”
I feel his hand meet my shoulder, and I look out the corner of my eye, seeing his big fingers gripping me lightly. “I hope she can accept you.”
“She has to,” I say, turning to face him. “Because what’s the alternative?” He knows what the alternative is. It’s alcohol and wasting my life away with meaningless woman after meaningless woman. Looking as pathetic as Coral. Hopeless. Irreparable.
“A woman more on your wavelength, perhaps?” His words are too soft for such a big, mean-looking bastard.
“On my wavelength?” I ask on a laugh. “You mean like Sarah was to Uncle Carmichael? Because that turned out well, didn’t it?”
We both flinch. “You’ve got to stop blaming yourself,” John grates, his anger rising, the subject guaranteed to spike it.
“How can I, John? It was my fault.”
“No.” He takes both of my shoulders in his big palms and shakes me. “You deserve more than this self-sabotage.”
I can’t agree. I don’t deserve more. I just need some good in my life. Some peace. Some fucking forgiveness. I rest my hands over his and smile mildly. “Maybe Ava is themoreyou speak of,” I say, throwing his words back at him, and given what he’s just said, he can’t possibly challenge me. And his body shrinking slightly tells me he knows that. “She makes me feel good,” I say, lifting his hands. “I don’t deserve her, but I want her.” I let myself into my office and rest my back against the door, leaving John on the other side, probably with his head in his hands. I’ve always expected too much of him. And it would be too much to expect him to understand. I realize I’m merely replacing alcohol and an unhealthy, hedonistic lifestyle with something else. That itself is unhealthy. Ava and me, though? Together? That’s glorious, and it feels so incredibly right. My dependence, however? I know that’s not right. Or healthy.
I sigh wearily and take myself to the free couch, kicking off my shoes and watching as Coral flips her body over and snuggles deeper. She’s going to feel like hell in the morning. Worse still after I hit her with reality. I get comfortable on my back and fold my arms behind my head, propping it up, tiredness taking hold.
This is the last night I will spend without Ava.
End of.
16
Her head is buriedin my naked chest. Her palms are resting on my shoulders. My arms are wrapped around her waist. She’s nervous, and I don’t know why. But I do know it’s makingmeedgy. “What’s wrong?” I ask into her hair, brushing my nose through the strands, taking comfort from her natural scent. She clings to me tighter, as if she can’t bear to let me go. “Ava, baby, tell me.” I gently push her away and find her eyes. They’re overflowing with tears. Tears of despair? Of joy?
What?
My heartbeat slows. I can’t quite catch my breath.
“I can’t be with you,” she murmurs, her voice cracked and rough. She looks away, and my heart feels like it stops beating completely.
“What are you talking about?” I ask, taking her chin and forcing her to face me. I hate the desperation I see in her beautiful eyes. “We’re perfect together, Ava. Me and you. We’re perfect.”
“I can’t love you.” She breaks away from me, getting up off the bed, leaving me a useless, stunned mess of a man. We just made love. It was beautiful, full of sentiment and tenderness. “I can’t save you,” she whispers, and I reach out for her, desperate to pull her back, desperate to get her in my arms again. But I’m grabbing at thin air. She’s fading.
Fading.
Fading.
Gone.
My eyes snap open.
My chest constricts.
My body feels heavy, like something unshakeable is holding me down. I can’t breathe.Fuck, I can’t breathe.
Air.
I need air.
I try to sit up, grappling at the back of the couch for something to hold on to. I can’t move. “Fuck.” My forehead’s damp, my whole body is clammy.Why the fuck can’t I move?
“Morning,” a groggy voice says, a face appearing above me, hovering. Smiling. I blink away the fog and Coral’s face comes into view. I look down my front. She’s straddling my waist, her body naked, her hands working the belt of my trousers.
“What the fuck, Coral?” I croak, the feeling of suffocating worsening. “Get the fuck off me.” I push her away, firmly but gently, scrambling to my feet. “What the hell are you playing at?”
