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This has to work. It has to.
I cannot live without her.
ChapterThirty-Five
Kenzie
It’s Christmas Eve. I should be on top of the world, but instead of listening to Christmas carols in my earbuds, I’m listening to Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt.” This is the first Christmas I can remember, besides the year my grandparents died, when I’m not in the mood to celebrate.
After Andrew left my apartment Saturday morning, I called Tessa, and she came over and we watched every sad movie known to man while gorging on pizza and chocolate. None of it made me feel better though.
So when my brother called earlier this week and insisted I join him and Zahra down at the Rockefeller tree tonight, I tried to get out of it, but I couldn’t because I couldn’t tell him why I was so depressed. That his best friend had broken my heart when he made me feel unworthy.
I had enough of that feeling growing up with my parents, and I’m not willing to accept it from the man I love. Even if I did almost call him five times this week to hear him out. The point is, I never did. I stayed strong.
I pull my earbuds from my ears as I approach the tree, shining tall and bright and strong in the night, return them to the case, and slide it into my purse. Time to put on a brave face.
I pull out my phone and text my brother to tell him where I am. There’re so many people here, it will be hard to find him on my own. He messages me back that he and Zahra are standing right in front of the tree.
Sliding my phone into my pocket, I make my way over there, pushing through the crowd and doing my best to duck under people’s phones as they film or take pictures of the massive tree. Normally the sight of the tree would send a ripple of excitement through me, especially on Christmas Eve, but tonight it makes my stomach clench. This Christmas isn’t at all what I hoped it would be.
I spot my brother and Zahra, bundled up in their coats, hats, and scarves and standing together. Zahra sees me first and gives me an excited wave, which I return.
I’m looking forward to having a sister-in-law, especially one as upbeat as she always seems to be.
As I approach, I notice an extra gleam in both their eyes. I’m not sure what for. Maybe it’s because it’s their first Christmas together.
“Hi, guys.” I put on my best smile and hug them both.
“Hey, Mac. Thanks for meeting us here.” Finn gives me a weird look I can’t quite decipher.
“Well, you wouldn’t let me say no, so…” I lift both my arms in a “here I am” gesture, unintentionally hitting someone on my right side. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I turn as I’m speaking and still.
Andrew stands there, and the way his gaze bounces all over my face reminds me of a man in the desert who’s just come upon water.
I turn to my brother. “You didn’t say he’d be joining us.” I try to keep my voice even so as not to give anything away, but I’m only ninety percent sure I’m successful.
Before my brother can respond, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” plays through the massive speakers. It’s all I can do not to roll my eyes. It’s like the universe is trolling me.
“Kenzie.” It’s Andrew’s voice, but it’s not just coming from beside me. It’s coming from the speakers, louder than the music.
With wide eyes, I turn to my right again and see Andrew’s holding a microphone.
What the hell is going on?
I glance at Finn and Zahra, and they both have wide smiles, void of any surprise.
“Kenzie Montgomery, when we first met, I didn’t know what to make of you, and I know you didn’t like me.”
I glance around and see that a lot of people in the crowd are noticing what’s going on and turning their attention our way.
“I know I messed up, and you were right to call me out on my crap. But I refuse to accept that this is the end of us. In the short time I’ve known you, you’ve made me feel a way I didn’t think was possible. Something I’ve never felt before, something I know I’ll never feel again if I let you go.”
Andrew steps forward and takes my hand. I don’t pull away. I can’t. I’m lost in his gaze and in this crazy thing he’s doing in front of all these people. I mean, if he’s doing this, he has to be over the past, right?
“For too long, I let the past rule the present, and I want you to know that I am done with that. I’m done with being afraid and second-guessing what I think you feel for me. I’m done with caring whether I’m being vulnerable in front of other people or not, and I’m done with holding back. The holidays used to make me think of the worst time in my life. Now, they make me think of you, which in case you haven’t figured it out yet, means that I’m thinking of the best time of my life because Christmas is when I fell in love with you.” He smiles so brilliantly it takes my breath away.
I hear a few awws in the crowd, but I can’t look away from this man who holds my whole heart.
