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With my hands clasped to prevent them from shaking, I do everything I can to just calm down. I brush my teeth and change into a nightgown as though I’m going to bed. I wish I had the meds Declan’s been giving me to stop it all. To put me to sleep where I can’t think about anything at all. I would do anything and take anything not to think right now, to just go to sleep and make it stop.
It’s like even though I’ve left, I’m still trapped.
I’ll never feel safe. I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could erase all of this. But all of the wishes don’t mean shit, do they? I fucked up … again. Every thought I have is that there’s only one way to end it. The horns and screech of tires from down below drift into the room. A drizzle of rain starts and it’s almost comforting. It would at least be over, then.
No more terrifying memories of Scarlet’s eyes wide with fear before Nate snapped her neck.
No more of the cage being lowered into the tub.
No more of second-guessing my every move for fear of disappointing Declan.
I don’t know what happens once you die, but it can’t be worse than this. Than every regret stealing your breath and every fear paralyzing you.
I don’t think there was ever a real chance for us. I was never going to be good enough and he warned me. To his credit, he warned me. I wish he never wanted me and I could have just loved him from afar.
The memory of our first kiss plays back in my head. When he gripped my wrists and pinned me there. When kissed me like I was his and had always been his. The warmth, the way everything else faded.
At least I know what it was like to kiss Declan Cross.
And I swear I did feel loved by him. Even if it was just for a moment. Even if love wasn’t enough.
Just as I open my eyes, letting the memory go, there’s a gentle click at the flat wood door. I’m still as the knob turns and the door creaks in an eerie way.
I don’t bother to move. I only watch as if it’s a movie. I’m numb to it all until he stands there in the open threshold.
“Declan.” I whisper his name as the sight of him registers.
Sniffling, I sit up straighter, pulling the sheet closer.Is this real?
“There you are … you thought I’d let you go?”
It’s crazy, the smile that wants to pull at my lips as I sniffle. The warmth from knowing at least he wouldn’t let me run. He wouldn’t let this torture last too long. It’s absolutely fucking insane that I’m grateful I won’t have to end it myself.
Tears leak from the corner of my eyes and I wipe them away as I manage to say, “I thought you might find me.”
“You didn’t run far,” he says lowly, closing the door behind him and looking back only to lock it.
My movements are rigid and slow as I pull my knees into my chest. I can’t look away from him, from the look of betrayal in his sharp steely gaze, or the anger that radiates from his broad shoulders as he stalks toward the bed. The floor groans with every step and all I can do is wait for him.
I wasn’t prepared for this life—I had no idea what loving a man like Declan would be like. The intensity and how hard and fast I would fall, but how I would step on every land mine not realizing I needed to just stay still. I wish I could go back. In another life, we are meant for each other, but in this one, I’m not good enough. I wasn’t prepared and in his world, one mistake could end your life. I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes.
As he sits on the edge of the bed, I can picture his hand wrapping around my throat and I have to at least apologize first. I don’t think he’ll believe him if I were to tell him I love him, but he has to know I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so pathetic it’s obvious that I’m sorry.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper and the words are choked, barely audible.
Roughly, I wipe the pathetic tears away. My hands tremble as I do and to my surprise, Declan holds me.
He doesn’t shush me, but he brings me into his chest and the moment he shows me that bit of compassion, I break beneath him, clinging to him and holding onto him when I know I have no right.
With my head buried into his chest, I close my eyes and fall apart.
His hand runs up and down my back as he lays us down, silently but gently.
He allows me the moment to grieve and I wish I could stop it. I wish I wasn’t the pathetic regretful mess I am, but I can’t stop it. By the time I’m done, both my body and eyes are heavy. It’s like everything has given up. Sleep could pull me in now and take me forever.
My eyes open and I stare at the button on his collar. Inhaling his masculine scent and enveloped by his warmth, I dare to whisper into his chest, “Can you do it in my sleep?” My heart beats once, a dull thud. He’s still, unresponsive, and I know I’m every bit the coward when I beg him, “I know I don’t deserve it, but if you could,” I pause to take in a shuddered breath before continuing, “if I could be asleep, I think it could be peaceful.”
