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He sighs and I can tell he’s walking. I can feel it through the phone. “You already know that you can call me anytime…day or night. Whatever you need and I’m there, man.”
I nod my head and then realize he can’t see it through the phone. “I know. I just feel like I’m spinning out of control right now and like I might hurt somebody.”
“Like you? Are you talking about you?”
I snort. “No. I’m talking about a woman. A woman that I think I love.NO! I know I love her. But I don’t know if I should.”
“Why do you think that? I think it’s fucking wonderful!”
“Of course you do. Because you’ve found the love of your life apparently and now you just want everyone as happy as you are!”
“What’s wrong with that?” he snorts.
“Because I don’t know if I’ll hurt her. If all the things that I have bottled up inside of me will one day explode and take her out like a bomb full of shrapnel.”
He sighs. “I know it feels like that sometimes. And maybe you need to get a little therapy to deal with all those feelings. But if you love her, you can push through that. You just make her happy. Make her the center of your world and take care of all her hopes and dreams. Hold them in your hands and heart and keep them safe. Make sure that she never feels like you don’t love her and want her. Like she’s the air that you need to breathe every god-damned day. That’s what you need to do. Because if you really love her, you can’t let yourself sabotage what is right in front of you. Happiness and the love of a good woman.”
“How do you know she loves me and that she’s a good woman? Maybe she’s a really bad woman!”
He snorts. “Man, if she’s got you this messed up when you haven’t even been there very long…you’re in love and if you love her she’s a good woman.”
“She’s Jessie’s little sister. It’s complicated.”
“Shit! Out of all the women in that little town…you pick her! Wow!”
I groan and fall back to the bed, my head whirling. “I know. Believe me…I know. It’s crazy. We’re crazy! It will never work! Her mother hates my guts and apparently wouldn’t mind running my ass over with a car. And everyone in town will be watching us like hawks waiting for whatever drama comes along because hey! Small town! What the fuck else is there to do!”
“Do you think you’re going to re-up?” he asks and I can feel the concern in his voice. I know what he’s thinking. I’m no good for anyone right now but I’m sure as hell not well enough to run back into the fight.
“I don’t think so. I want something more. Something else. Something that makes me feel good.”
“Have you thought about security? I know some people and I bet we could get set up in business fairly easily. Protect people instead of killing them.”
“That sounds pretty cool actually. I don’t know how we’d go about doing it though.”
“You leave that to me. I know some people and they’ve reached out to me and asked me if I’d be interested. I’m not sure I am right now because Hannah’s due any day now and I don’t want to leave her. She needs help taking care of this ranch. And I’m sure as hell not walking away and letting her do it on her own like her brother did. I love Tom like a brother but he should have come home to help her ages ago. Especially since this was his property.”
For the first time in a long time, I feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel. Like I might be starting to get things under control. Like I have a future.
And there’s one more thing that I need to make my future complete.
The woman of my dreams.
ChapterSix
JOY
“Joy, why are you still in bed? It’s the middle of the day!”
I roll over and find my mother staring at me in bed. Her bleach-blond head is perfect and her make-up is flawless. Except for the lines of discontent around her pinched red-painted lips. Those are cracks in the facade of perfection that most people overlook. But I know how she is. I know what she hides from everyone else. The ugly inside.
“You were out late last night. Who were you with?”
I roll back over so she can’t see in my eyes. “It doesn’t matter.”
And that’s when my damn phone rings and I roll over to get it. But she gets to it first and her face goes red. Her cold blue eyes flash.
“Jackson? Why the hell is Jackson calling you?”
