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“You’re punishing yourself.”
I glanced at him with a scowl. “What?”
Will sat back in his seat, looking smug. “You won’t let yourself be happy because of what happened years ago.”
“That’s not true.”
“No? Then why did you run?”
I snapped my head straight. “I. Didn’t. Run.”
He laughed. “Yes, you did. You want to know what I think?”
“No.”
“Tough. I think you won’t let yourself be happy because of Lisa.”
“Don’t say her name!” I snapped.
“Ah. Hit it on the head. You know that wasn’t your fault, right?”
I turned away. Grief and guilt flooded me, making it hard to breathe. Will stood and walked around the table. He took a seat beside me and put a hand on my shoulder.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he said gently. “It was an accident.”
I shrugged him off and stood. “I know that.”
“Then why are you punishing yourself? She wouldn’t have wanted that.”
I whirled around and stepped into him. I towered over him since he was still seated. “Don’t talk about what she would or wouldn’t want. She doesn’t get a choice because she’s dead.”
“Sid, you almost died that night too. But you can’t let that rule your life. It wasn’t your fault.”
I tugged at my hair and paced. “I shouldn’t have insisted we go home. The weather was bad, the roads icy. It was hard to see. It was dark because we were on back country roads. It was my fault. She’s not here because of me.”
Sobs tore through me, and I fell to the floor. The weight of that night was too heavy to carry anymore. I hadn’t felt the guilt for years because I hadn’t allowed myself to open up to anyone or get close to anyone.
Sure, I’d gone on dates and asked women out, but I’d never let things go very far. Over the years, the guilt and grief had eaten away at me, causing me to become sulky, grouchy, and angry. I wouldn’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I didn’t want to feel the pain I’d felt the night I lost Lisa ever again.
Will put his hand on my shoulder again, and when I looked up, he pulled me into him. I cried into his chest. It was the most vulnerable I’d been since the night of the accident. After I got out of the hospital, everything was a blur. The funeral and the days after blended together. Eventually, days turned into weeks, which turned into years, and the open wound on my heart callused over.
But now the callus had been torn off, and I felt the gaping wound. My heart hurt, not just because of the loss I’d never truly grieved, but because I’d let Kat go, and she was the only one I wanted right now. She’d know what to say to make my pain better. She’d know when I needed her to just sit with me quietly so I could think or feel or bury my feelings. Whatever I needed.
I wanted to bury myself in her sunshine and warmth and never leave, but I’d fucked it up. I pushed her away and told her our relationship meant nothing to me.
After a few minutes, I pushed away from Will and wiped at my face. We sat back at the table, and Will refilled our coffee. He was clearly settling in to talk about the past. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but it was necessary, and I had run for far too long. I was tired of running.
Will was silent, allowing me to gather my thoughts and feelings. The only thing I could pick out was the guilt I’d been living with for years. “It was my fault.”
He shook his head. “No, baby brother, it wasn’t. Yes, the roads were icy. Yes, it was dark and you took back roads and it was snowing. But a deer ran into the road and caused the accident. When you tried to stop, you slid on the ice. It could have happened to any of us.”
“But it didn’t,” I gritted out.
“Duke and I left at the same time. Did you know that?”
“You did?”
He nodded. “We weren’t that far behind you, which is why I got to the scene first.”
