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But if it meant making me feel even more like a prisoner? Maybe they’d put up with it.
Do they have any say once their father decides what he wants? I don’t honestly think so. But that’s something I can’t figure out. I’m not even sure I want to. The whole thing is so twisted I’m afraid I’ll start to lose it a little if I give it much more thought. Because James doesn't want to just use my body; he wants something more twisted and sinister than that. He wants to humiliate me, take me apart into small pieces, until I’m nothing but a puppet in his hand. James is the puppetmaster, and his sons are his strings.
They’ve shown me a level of depravity I didn’t know existed until now. I can’t help but turn it over in my mind, trying to make sense of it. I think James wants to own my soul, break my mind at the very least.
Now the question is, am I able to cut the strings? They don’t exactly seem like excited, enthusiastic participants, but they don’t refuse him, either. Are they into this, or is he forcing them the way he forces me? Has he put them through a lifetime full of this sort of depraved sickness, or am I making the mistake of trying to humanize them? Even now, I’m so desperate to think I might have an ally around here I would stoop to thinking of my stepbrothers as unwilling participants. They sure were willing enough when they were coming down my throat, weren’t they?
No, facts are facts. They’re just as guilty as he is. They probably share some genetic sickness, the three of them.
I have no way to reach out to my new clients and tell them I can’t tutor them anymore. Somehow, that brings me more pain than almost anything else about this situation. I was proud of myself. I had a plan laid out. I was going to do this for myself, earn a little independence. There was something I was good at, and people appreciated me for it.
Shouldn’t I have known it would be short-lived? Every good thing in my life seems to be. The clicking of the lock leaves me bracing myself. What’s it going to be this time?
It’s only Colt, holding a plate with a sandwich on it. “I figured you would be hungry. You never did have breakfast.”
“You care about that all of a sudden?”
“Yeah—and I don’t have to.” He leaves the plate on the desk, but I’ll be damned if I take a bite.
“You must really think I’m stupid,” I mutter, eyeing the food.
“What’s that mean?”
“I mean, what’s it going to do to me this time? Knock me out? Again?”
He seems to get the message, but that doesn’t change anything. “Whatever. Eat it or don’t.” He lifts his shoulder and turns away like he’s about to leave.
I can’t let him do it. I have to at least try. “You know, I had a tutoring session scheduled for fifteen minutes from now. I really hate to miss it. Please, I can’t lose everything here, you know?”
“Seems to me that isn’t my problem.”
“Please, Colt. It really means a lot to me.” My words fall on deaf ears since he leaves the room without a backward glance. I’m barely able to stifle a whimper as tears fall onto my cheeks. How can they be like this? What happens to a person to make them this way? I never did a damn thing to deserve this—nobody deserves this. I don’t care who they are.
It’s not another few minutes before the door opens again. He’s back.
And he’s holding a laptop. “Here. My internet still works. Can you do your work from my computer?”
“Yes! Thank you.” It’s kind of gross, thanking him after everything he’s done to me, but I can’t afford pride right now.
“Of course, I’m not going to leave you alone. I’ll be here the whole time, so don’t get any ideas.” The sad part is I hadn’t even thought about that yet. I’m sure I would have eventually, but I’m too busy relieved that I can keep my promise.
“Okay, whatever. Just, you know, don’t interrupt.”
He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’ll do my best.” After setting down the laptop, he eyes the untouched sandwich. “Fuck it. If you’re not going to eat this, I will.” He takes a bite, then another before leaving it on the plate and settling on my bed.
Now I know it isn’t drugged, so I greedily eat the rest in only a few bites. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I saw it sitting there.
Before getting on the session, I go to the bathroom and wash my face, trying to make myself presentable. I’ve done a lot of crying in the past day alone. I hardly look my best, but at least nobody’s going to think the worst the second they set eyes on me.
With Colt stretched out on my bed, out of sight of the camera, I log in to my Zoom account and force myself to smile when the twelve-year-old who needs help with his history logs in. “Hey, Zach,” I offer with a wave. “How’s it going? How did you do on the quiz you had?” It’s easy to forget Colt’s presence after a few minutes now that I have something else to focus my attention on.
A half-hour passes much too quickly, so quickly, in fact, that we run overtime. “I gotta go,” Zach suddenly announces. “I’ve got practice.” I don’t know what kind of practice. I only know I want to tell the kid to skip it today, anything, so long as I don’t have to end this call. “Mom said she’ll pay you as soon as the invoice comes in.” Then he gives me a quick wave, and that’s it. I’m back to being isolated.
For the first time in more than thirty minutes, Colt speaks. “You did a good job.”
I barely keep from rolling my eyes when I turn in my chair to face him. “Aren’t things already bad enough? You don’t have to make fun of me.”
“I wasn’t trying to. You covered well. And you actually seemed like you gave a shit about what the kid was talking about.”
