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The future, a life together….
“I found them,” I go on.
She makes to speak, then stops, her voice trembling. I hear her start half a dozen sentences and then trail off into a sniffle.
“I wish I was there,” she whispers. “I wish I could hug you.”
“I wish you were here too,” I tell her. “But we both know we wouldn’t be able to control ourselves.”
“Agreed,” she says.
“Seeing that…maybe it changed something in me. I don’t know. But it wasn’t just that. It was all the shit leading up to it. The way dad would go at mom, controlling her, belittling her, bullying her. I never saw him hit her, but maybe he was just sneaky about it. For whatever reason, after that, I found it difficult with women.
“I think, honestly, on some level….”
“What?” she whispers.
“I was scared of becoming him,” I snarl. “I’d die before I laid a hand on a woman or do any of the shit my father did, but whenever I’d meet a woman, I never felt anything. Or almost nothing. I was numb. Broken. And what if that led me to become a monster like my dad? It’s in my blood.”
“I don’t believe that,” she says firmly. “You’ve spent your entire life trying to do good. You recently escaped your fate after being kidnapped, Hayden, to bring that story to life. You’re a good man.”
Her words bolster me more than anybody else’s ever could.
Hearing that from somebody else is one thing, but it means everything coming from her, my woman.
“So you never felt anything,” she says softly.
“No.”
“What about….”
What about me? She’s going to say, but then, from her end of the phone, there’s a quiet knocking.
“Hold on a sec.” She raises her voice. “Yeah?”
She returns to me. “It’s Lila. She says it’s important.”
“It’s okay,” I tell her.
“But…”
I sense what she’s going to say. She’s going to ask if we’re going to speak again. Really, I should tell her no. We weren’t supposed to be speaking at all until Graham returned.
“Maybe if we only spoke on the phone,” I say. “But if I was there with you in person.”
I trail off, not having to tell her what I’d do.
“Okay,” she murmurs. “So…maybe you can call me tomorrow or something?”
“There’s no maybe about it,” I snarl. “I will.”
After we say goodbye, I walk out onto the balcony again, staring across the night, wishing I was with Hallie…and knowing that, most likely, this sparkling future life will never shine outside of my imagination.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Hallie
“Who were you speaking to?” Lila says, her voice low as she sits on the end of the bed.
Her hair is tangled from sleep, worn in a bun, but she still looks elegant somehow.
She stares at me with wide, curious eyes.
“You didn’t tell me you were seeing anybody,” she goes on.
Clearly, Lila overheard part of the conversation.
From the way she’s looking at me, I think she heard more than words. She must’ve heard my moaning or the dirty stuff I said to Hayden. I try to remember how often I said his name, but I can’t.
“Are you a spy now?” I say, sitting up, trying for a joke.
She tilts her head. “I went to the bathroom, then you decided to speak so loud it’s a miracle you didn’t wake mom.”
I cringe. “Really? I had no idea.”
“I guess you were excited,” she says, with a coy smile on her face. “So, who’s the mystery man? And where did you meet him?”
I wring my hands, wondering if I have it in me to lie to Lila. I can’t remember if I’ve ever lied about anything serious. Maybe when we were kids…but even then, I’d end up telling her the truth after a couple of hours at the most.
“I met him through dad, I guess,” I murmur, averting my gaze.
“Through dad?” Lila asks. “At his work? Was he a patient?”
I stare at the poster of Taxi Driver on the wall. I went through a phase of really loving that movie in high school, admiring the cinematography, but now I find myself thinking about how bleak it looks, how dark.
Maybe that’s the effect Hayden’s having on me.
Back when I had a crush on him, and nothing had ever happened, it was easy to sink into musingly dark moods.
It wasn’t just him, obviously, but life.
Nothing truly terrible has ever happened to me.
A few bullies. A few arguments. A few tears.
So maybe it was just my nature, I thought, to be slightly sad sometimes. But with Hayden, after what he shared about his parents, I find myself not wanting to be like that anymore.
All I want is brightness, us, the connection we’re going to share.
The one I feel like we already share.
“Hallie?” Lila says. “Why won’t you look at me?”
With an effort, I guide my gaze back to her. It takes a lot out of me because I know this is going to change things between us.
