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I wasn't expecting that answer. I started to say something but stopped myself. For some reason, my heart felt like it was sinking, and I suddenly felt the need to move away from him.
I hoisted myself up and wandered over to the weights to make sure they were racked correctly, which I knew they were.
“Hey, Kessel,” he said, pulling my eyes back to his. His eyebrows raised. “Maybe… Maybe we could be friends again?”
I quickly looked down and felt my face burning. He wanted to be friends. We were neverjustfriends. There was always something more between us. But he’d never admit that. And I never wanted to go back to that kind of situation. It was too frustrating. I didn’t want to have to fight for attention and love ever again. It had to be more simple than that.
“What? Why not?” He crutched closer to me.
“I just don’t think…” I started, but my throat clogged with emotion.
“C’mon,” he said in a lighter tone. “You can’t still be mad at me because…”
“Because?” I looked up at his light brown eyes. “Because what, Duke?”
“Because…” His eyes searched mine, but he couldn’t admit it. He knew what he did, yet he wanted to bury the past and never revisit it again… which was rich because I still hurt from it every time I looked at him.
I pushed past him to leave.
When I reached the doors, his voice stopped me in my tracks.
“I know what I did was bad,” he called out. “But it wasn’tthatbad. C’mon, Kessel,” he pleaded.
I paused, caught between wanting to blow up on him or ignore his plea and leave him standing there alone.
I closed my eyes tightly, willing myself not to break down or let my voice crack.
“You saying that is very telling,” I whispered to keep my voice even. I couldn’t look back at him.
“What do you mean?”
I cleared my painfully tight throat. “Well Duke, I wasn’t worthy of a goodbye, and now I guess I’m not even worthy of an apology. If that’s the kind of friendship you’re offering… I don’t want it.”
I left without looking back.
He would never understand just how bad his actions hurt someone like me in the first place.
9.Claire
I sat there trying to forget it all, but my brain wouldn’t let me move forward. Seeing him again brought me right back to that hurt place that I’d tried so hard to move on from.
Now, sitting in the back of Benny’s all alone, I let the memories flood forward…
We’re seven years old. His dirty blonde hair keeps getting lighter all summer. He has a lot of freckles. He’s always making other kids laugh. I want to hear what they joke about, but he only talks with the boys. He’s the only kid enrolled in the summer kiddie camp at the rink who is any good at skating. And he’s very cute. I need him to notice me because I want to be included in their conversations.
Maybe if I beat him, I can join them…
So, I need to win this next race…
We’re nine and I think Duke and his buddies whisper about me. It makes me mad. So, I beat him. I beat him at everything. I’d rather die than lose to him, because that makes him mad, so now he knows how I feel.
We’re ten. Everyone at the rink calls him a “ball of hate” because he gets in so many hockey fights.
I overhear my dad lecturing him in the rink office.
Duke looks really upset, like he’s about to cry. I want to tell him that everyone gets yelled at, and that it doesn't really matter. I want to give him a hug, but I know I can’t…
We’re eleven now, and I’m so tired…
