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“That still doesn't explain why you didn't say goodbye to me, Duke. You could’ve told me all that,” I said.
He closed his eyes tightly, like it pained him, and his throat rolled. “Because it was too hard. I almost did it about five times… but that night was perfect. I think you might agree maybe?” he asked weakly. “Because it was perfect in my eyes. And I didn’t want to ruin the memory. I just… got caught up in dreaming of what we could be. The next morning, I thought about going to your house… the rink… anywhere I knew you’d be… I thought about it, but I froze. I was scared. I didn’t want to upset you or let you down or make you cry. I just…” He shook his head. “I couldn't do it. I already didn't want to leave, and I thought if I went to say goodbye to you, I’d blow off juniors and never go.”
“So you made me cry myself to sleep because I thought you didn't care about me instead,” I deadpanned.
He flinched at my words. “I deserved that.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “You could have reached out though,” he argued.
My mouth dropped open at that. “You could've too! Why would I reach out, Duke?! I was the one who felt rejected!”
He quickly backpedaled and shook his head. “I know. I’m sorry. I was a stupid, scared kid… But now…” He looked at me with hopeful eyes.
“Now?” I repeated. Because if I were honest with myself, I still wanted a ‘now’ with him. Deep down, I still wanted more than anything else in the world for him to choose me.
“Can we be friends?” he asked.
Across the booth from me, I saw the little boy who I so desperately wanted to be friends with as a kid.
“Yes,” I croaked out.
He started exiting the booth then, and I felt my eyebrows knit together in confusion.
“We have to hug now, shorty. We need to seal the deal, duh.” He gave me his signature boyish grin that told me he really was happy. He reached for my hand to pull me up.
I smirked. “If you say so.”
As soon as I stood, he pulled my head into his broad chest, and I felt his steady heartbeat. We fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces, and it felt so comforting and so right. A laugh bubbled up in my throat. “This doesn’t changesomethings though,” I clarified.
His body froze a bit, but he kept me in a tight hug and peered down at me with a questioning look.
“You’ll still be the kiddie camp’s target practice with water balloons if you don’t watch it,” I clarified.
His eyebrows popped up in shock. “Even though I’m injured?!”
I laughed and patted his chest. “Especially because of that. You need to keep up your other fast twitch muscles. Beware, buddy boy.” I grinned.
12.Claire
The first official week of summer work went well… but it was exhausting. I felt like I barely had a second to breathe all day. I ran the kiddie camp until three, which was draining in and of itself. I realized real quick that working with kids was rewarding, but very taxing, because you always had to be ‘on.’ If I didn’t smile for a second, at least a couple kids thought I was upset with them, which definitely wasn’t the case, and definitely told me that I had a resting-bitch-face.
After the camp ended for the day, I’d practice for an hour by myself, running through all my jumps and spins, and then Jacques would come in around 4pm and we’d get to work with the partner tryout.
The only oddity was that while the entire rink emptied out, Duke still hung around in the front office…
The clinic he was coaching ended at three, so I knew he didn’t have a reason to hang around, but he still did. Each day when I walked out practically last, he and Beau– who he brought to the rink with him every day– would join me on my way to my car. We’d joke around about some funny thing that some kid said that day, and it was nice.
And a secret little hope started to grow in my heart…
This hope whispered, what a wonderful life this would be. Working side-by-side with him at the rink and then ending the day together. It was comfortable. Just walking beside him gave me a sense of belonging, a sense of understanding. I never had to over explain anything to him, because he could track the way I was thinking and the conclusions I jumped to. I think it was because our mindsets were rare and the same. As kids, we were never the ones who were nervous about taking up space at the rink, or anywhere, really. We demanded attention, and we demanded respect, and we never ever second-guessed ourselves. Both of us knew without a doubt that we would reach our goals. It was never a matter ofif, it was just a matter ofwhen.
After our talk in Benny’s it was pretty clear that both of us thought the same thing with respect to one another: We both dreamed that we’d end up together, and again, it wasn’t as much a matter of if, but when. And while I had extinguished that little dream years ago, it was now back and growing with the same quiet, but sound confidence I had when performing.
I couldn’t completely silence the voice in the back of my head cautioning me to slow down though…
By Wednesday, I went up to the lobby office where Duke was eating his lunch and asked why he was sticking around late, and he just shrugged. Even though I did love talking to him and I was looking forward to debriefing our days together, I needed to know why he was doing it. It’s almost like I needed to seek reassurance before I could let myself fall too hard for him.
“It’s so nice out today. Why stay here if you don’t have to?” I asked him. You’d think he’d want to walk out into the summer heat and spend some time on the golf course or at the lake with his old hockey buds. A lot of the guys he played with still came back from wherever they were playing during the year to coach here in the summers.
“Well, for one, I can’t really enjoy doing much with this shit.” He ushered to his cast. “And this shit.” He pointed to his head. “So, I’m trying my best to enjoy what little I can this summer.”
