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CHAPTER 7
RAEGAN
I flop back on my couch and heave a big sigh. It’s Christmas Eve and while I’m planning on going to my parent’s house tomorrow to celebrate the day, my normal Christmas Eve tradition isn’t working for me tonight.
Normally it’s an ice cream and campy movie night, but never holiday movies. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why it’s not hitting the spot this year. I should be snuggled up while thinking that last spoonful of ice cream was a step too far.
I’m of the mindset that leaving any part of the pint left over is for quitters, at least when your goal is to wallow or ignore the world. I’ve barely made a dent in this one and it’s my favorite flavor. Maybe I should have tried a new flavor this year? Is that it?
Evan passes through my mind, and I groan. I know why this night isn’t what I want it to be anymore. It’s him.
He’s changed something in me over the last few weeks. It’s not that I don’t like it, I do. I even know why I’m okay with it. I love that Christmas loving man.
He called me earlier, his voice full of hope, “How about you come over here tonight?”
Part of me was screaming to take him up on it, but then a little voice told me it was too much. Since the blackout a few weeks ago, I’ve spent most of my nights with him. It’s all been too fast. Right?
I was torn and I took the easy way out. Or the coward’s way out, depending on how you look at it. “I kind of have a Christmas Eve tradition,” I admitted. “It involves ice cream and some movies. It helps me to kind of decompress from the season and prepare for a day with my family.”
“So that means you’re not looking for company I take it,” there was disappointment and understanding in his voice.
“Yeah,” I winced, even though he couldn’t see me. “I’m sorry.”
“No, Snowflake,” his voice was smooth. “Don’t be sorry.” He chuckled and I could hear the smile in his voice as he teased me, “I’m not going to lie, I’m a little surprised you have a holiday tradition that you keep up with every year. I don’t want to mess with that.”
He is so good to me. He didn’t even get mad when I basically blew him off for a nothing tradition. When we hung up, I had to wonder what the hell a guy like Evan was doing with me, someone who was feeling more and more stuck every day.
Stuck in the business.
Stuck in my firm stance on Christmas.
Stuck in a tradition that didn’t really mean anything to me. Not anymore, at least.
Now I can’t even enjoy my own damn tradition. The ice cream is tasteless, and the movie is boring, but not because I’ve seen it more times than I can count. Because tradition and 80’s teen flicks are life. At least, they were.
I look around my apartment which doesn’t have a single decoration and sigh. It doesn’t feel right this year.
I think about the warmth I find in Evan’s apartment. He hasn’t decorated every inch or anything, he’s not a secret elf from the North Pole and is just a guy, but he has a small tree and some decorations. It gives his place a feeling of home.
I don’t even have that much.
I stand up as determination fills me. I know what I need to do and I’m only slightly kicking myself because I didn’t do it sooner. I should have never insisted on spending the night on my own. I should have followed my heart.
It’s been leading me to Evan since I met him, whether I wanted to admit it or not, and especially since the night of the blackout. I smile with him. I feel my stress melt away with him. I find myself opening up to the world around me in a new way when I’m with him.
That means something and I’ve been pushing it away because I’m stubborn.
It’s something my sisters and I have in common, but that doesn’t make it a good thing.
I don’t bother getting dressed, I keep my flannel pajamas on, but I do pack a bag with a few things I’ll need in the morning and something to wear to my parent’s house tomorrow. I even choose a green sweater, something I would normally boycott for the entire month of December on principle alone.
I know. I know.
I slip on my boots and tug my jacket on before grabbing the gift I picked up for Evan, even as I kicked myself the entire time I was picking it out. It’ll look perfect on his tree, and I think he’ll love and understand the sentiment behind it.
It doesn’t take me long to get to his place and the flurries in the sky are so pretty and festive. Wait. Who the hell am I right now? Ugh, it’s all Evan’s fault. But…I’m okay with it. Surprisingly enough.
I luck out and someone is coming out of his building as I’m walking up and I smile at the older man. He looks a little flustered and I can’t help but ask, “Are you okay?”
