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And in the end, I’ll break her heart.
“That’s not a good idea,” I say flatly, doing my best to ignore the look on Sasha’s face. “It’s better if we split up, anyway. Spread out the targets. I’ll go to Italy, as you suggest, and Sasha can go to one of your safe houses here, until we figure this out.”
“No!” The word bursts out of Sasha like a shot, her eyes going wide with panic as she looks between the two of us. “I don’t want to be left alone in a safe house. I can’t–I can’t do that again. I–”
“You wouldn’t be alone, Sasha,” Viktor says patiently, clearly considering my suggestion. “I’d have security there. You’d be safe–”
“That’s worse.” Her eyes are filling with tears, her face white as bone. “Alone with strangers? Strangemen? Max, please–” She swallows hard, starting to visibly shake. “I don’t want to be alone, away from everyone. Please don’t–”
“Alright.” I reach for her, pulling her closer to me in an effort to ease her panic. “Look, we’ll talk about this in the morning. We just had a huge brush with death. Let me get Sasha upstairs and comfortable, and we’ll talk about it once emotions have settled a little. Alright?” I direct the question to Viktor, who reluctantly nods.
“First thing in the morning, we make a decision,” Viktor says curtly. “Levin, come with me. We’re going to triple the security around the house. Have Nico go and get more men–”
As his voice fades, I lead Sasha toward the stairs. “Lets get you in bed,” I tell her gently. “A hot shower first would be good. You’ll be less sore in the morning.”
I manage to get her to the bathroom, waiting in the other room while she showers. When she comes out, wrapped in her terrycloth robe with her hair wet, she looks less fragile than before, at least, less pale. But her eyes are wide and red, and she walks towards me, looking uncertain as she sits down on the bed next to me.
“I want to go to Italy with you,” she says finally, looking down at her clenched hands. “I thought about it–and that’s what I want.”
“Sasha–”
“No.” She swallows hard, looking up at me. “Listen to me. You’re the only one I trust implicitly, Max, the only man who always makes me feel safe, no matter what. I don’t care if this is because someone is after you. I still feel safe with you. I know if there’s anyone in this world who can protect me, it’s you. I don’t want to be locked away in a safe house, with men guarding me that I don’t know, wondering what’s happening to you.” Her teeth sink into her lower lip, and I can tell that she’s trying not to cry. “Please, Max–please don’t leave me.”
Something about those last words, about the way she says them, tears something loose in me. Looking at her, all I can see is how I almost lost her today, and at that moment, nothing seems more important than letting her know that I want, more than anything in the world, to keep her with me.
One night,I tell myself, turning towards her.I can keep the vow for all the rest of my life–if I have this one night. Just this once, in case the worst happens. For her, not for me,I reason.To give her what she needs, more than anything.
Deep down, of course, I know the truth.
I need it as much as she does.
But tonight, I commit another sin to add to the growing list. I lie to myself, as I lean forward and take her face in my hands, about why I’m doing this. About why I’m choosing to break yet another vow.
And when my lips meet hers, I forget everything else.
21
SASHA
The way Max kisses me makes me think that tonight is going to be different. He reaches for me almost decisively, pulling me in, his lips pressing against mine hungrily. There’s no hesitation, no pretending that this is just one kiss. I can feel the need coursing through him just from his touch, from the way his tongue sweeps over my bottom lip, urging my mouth to open for him, and I don’t hesitate.
I don’t know if he’s changed his mind altogether or just for one night, but I don’t care. Or rather–Idocare, but even if it’s just for the one night, I’m not going to turn him away. I’d rather get my heart broken tomorrow than lose out on tonight with him.
I could have lost him today. I could still lose him.
Everything about the way Max kisses me makes me think that he’s thinking the same thing. We’d been thrown back by that explosion together. A little closer, and we might have been critically injured–closer still, and we would have died. The bomb isn’t the end of it, either. Whoever wants to hurt us is still coming, and they’re not going to stop.
I want us both safe, but I don’t want him to leave me. The idea feels unbearable, and it only fuels my need for him as I lean into the kiss, reaching up to drag my fingers through his wavy dark hair as he deepens it, his tongue sliding against mine.
The heat that washes over me is instant, but I’m in no hurry. I let him go at his own pace, kissing me slowly and deeply, as his fingers trail through my hair, down my jawline and throat, learning me. He groans as his fingertips slide over my collarbones and down the upper part of my chest, hovering above my cleavage. I’m reminded all over again that this is his first time, even more so than it is mine. It’s my first time choosing–but it’s his first entirely.
His hands drop abruptly to my waist, grabbing me tightly as he lifts me up, and I gasp as he lays me back against the pillows, leaning over me. His hand drifts through my hair again as he kisses me, slow and unhurried, and I can feel the desire building, making me want to rush forward. I want him inside of me–I’machingfor it, and have been for so long, but I remind myself that there’s no guarantee past tonight…not even of tonight, if he changes his mind. I want to remember this–and I want it to last.
“You’re so beautiful,” he breathes against my lips, his hand drifting down my chest again. This time he nudges my robe open, his fingers curving lightly along the sides of my breasts, and I feel him moan against my lips as he touches me there for the first time. “So perfect–”
Everything is slow and careful, and by the time he undoes the belt of my robe, letting the neck of it fall open completely, I’m panting with desire. His mouth drifts down my throat as he does it, not looking at my bare breasts yet, as his hand slides up to cup one, his thumb flicking over the stiffening nipple.
“Max–” I moan his name, arching underneath him as I press my breast into his hand. “You’re driving me crazy–”
