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“Uncle Max is taking me to show me where he grew up. I’ll bring you back souvenirs, I promise.”
“When will you be back, Sa-sha?” Yelena asks, her voice taking on the characteristic whine that tells me she’s close to bursting into tears.
“Soon,” I promise her. “We left it open-ended, so it can be fun and spontaneous! Grown-ups like to do that sometimes. When you’re all grown up, you can too.”
“When I’m grown up, will you takemeon vacation?” Anika demands, and it’s all I can do to hold back the tears that are threatening behind my eyes.
“Yes,” I promise her firmly. “Absolutely. And I’ll take lots of pictures on this one, too, so when I come back, it’ll almost be like you went with me after all.”
I see Max coming in through the back door, and I hug them both quickly, careful not to make so much of a production out of it that they realize something is wrong. Caterina leaves them with Rachel as she and Viktor walk us outside. Caterina’s face crumples the minute we’re out of the house.
“Take care of her, Max,” she whispers, squeezing me tightly. “Come back as soon as you can.”
“We will,” he promises, taking my bag and handing it to the driver. “Come on, Sasha. We need to go.”
“Be safe,” Viktor says, his forehead creased with worry as Max and I make our way to the car.
Neither Max nor I say anything on the ride to the plane. My panic is sharply rising, and I can’t help worrying that he doesn’t want me here, that I convinced him against his will to bring me by guilting him into it. By the time we get onto the plane, I’m near a full panic attack, all of this far too reminiscent of the flight to the Russian safe house for my liking.
“Hey.” Max turns to me, and before I realize it, he’s pulling me into his arms, against his chest as we stand in the aisle of the plane. “You’re okay. This isn’t like before. No one is going to come for you at the estate. We’re going to be hidden away and safe–no one will know we’re there besides Viktor and Caterina. And we won’t be gone long, I promise. Viktor knows how to handle this.”
I nod, swallowing hard as I fight back the tears, and I’m suddenly overcome with a wave of emotion that leaves me feeling unsteady on my feet. All along, Max has been here for me. Every step of the way, he’s comforted me, protected me, and saved me. He shed blood for me. Bent his vows for me. Every moment with him proves more and more that he’s exactly the man I believe he is–a man I trust above all else.
“I love you,” I whisper, looking up at him, unable to hold the words back. They slip out before I can think about whether it’s the right moment or not, but I’m not sure it matters. It’s true–and whatever happens next, I want him to know it.
Most of all, I want him to say it back. But his face tenses, his arms loosen around me as he steps back, and I know that his answer isn’t going to be what I want to hear.
“You can’t love me, Sasha,” he says quietly. “I’m not right for you–and I can’t ever be.”
“I–” I start to speak, but he shakes his head, holding up a hand for me to let him finish.
“I’m a failed brother, Sasha. A failed priest, a failed man.” His eyes look tired, dark, and sad. “I’ve broken every vow now except for one, and when we get to Italy, it’ll be all I can do not to be convinced to break the last.” Slowly, he retakes a step toward me, but he doesn’t reach out to touch me.
“I’ll protect you with my life. That’s the only promise I can still keep, but Sasha–” He sucks in a breath, his jaw tight. “I can’t touch you again, and you can’t love me. You just–you can’t. You’ll only regret it in the end.”
Something tears loose inside of me, heavy and weighing me down, as all of the hurt of the past year comes rushing in at once with this last disappointment, almost too much to bear. “That’s not something that can be undone,” I tell him softly, blinking back tears. “I’ve loved you since you were there for me not long after I joined Viktor’s household. I loved you in Russia, and I loved you the first time I kissed you, and I loved you last night. I’ve loved you every moment in between. I–” I shake my head, swallowing hard as I look up at him, eyes filling with tears I can’t hold back. “You can put distance between us, you can say we’re nothing more than friends, and that’s how it has to be–but I can’t stop loving you. And no matter what happens next, I’ll never want anyone more than I want you.”
His face looks stricken, but before he can speak, I go up lightly on my tiptoes, kissing him softly on the mouth. I close my eyes, savoring the brush of his lips against mine once more.
And then, without another word, I go down the aisle to the bedroom, alone.
23
MAX
Ilet Sasha be alone for a long while.
I’ve felt pain and grief over the years. Once I’d thought nothing could ever hurt as severely as the betrayal of my younger brother, and then the loss of my parents. The loss of my older brother had rivaled that, a grief so deep that I’d thought I might never recover from it.
This is different.
I’ve never been in love before. Never had anyone in love with me. I’d expected to go my whole life without it, and the realization long before this that I was on the precipice of falling for Sasha had been part of what had held me back. I’d known this could only end in heartbreak, but I hadn’t realized she’d already passed the point of no return.
Last night was a mistake.
The thought makes my chest clench painfully. I don’t want to see it that way. Last night was something beyond my wildest imaginings, a pleasure so intertwined with the emotions running between us that it had been more than just sex, more than just my first time. I don’t want to regret it.
But I can’t help but think that she wouldn’t be so hurt now, if we hadn’t gone that far.
