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He hasn’t talked to me about it directly. In fact, he’s always been very careful to not breathe a word of anything in my direction that could suggest romantic or sexual interest, even if I’ve seen what looks like heat in his eyes sometimes when he looks at me, longing that has nothing to do with friendship. But I know from what Olga told me, what the other girls on the staff whispered about, that it’s not just me Max doesn’t approach. He made vows once upon a time, and priestly collar or no, he intends to keep them.
Even if it makes no sense to anyone but him.
“We’re going to walk down to the lake and head up.” Yelena is tugging on my hand, ready to keep walking. “So I’ll see you—”
I trail off, hoping he’ll finish it withtomorrow,orat breakfast, or something else concrete. But he just smiles, returning Anika to me. “Sure thing. I’ll see you.”
When?I want to ask, but I bite it back. I don’t want to seem clingy, or needy, or obsessive. I don’t want him to know how much I think about him, because I’m sure he doesn’t think about me the same amount. I’m a friend—but one he has kept at arm’s length since a little while after we came back from Russia. He’s said that he hasn’t been around much because of the explosive events in Boston that happened not long after, a long line of dominoes that had effects still being felt there in the Irish Kings, but I think it’s something else. I think it has to do with that night—what he did, and how it made him feel.
How it made him feel aboutme.
4
SASHA
The effects of how seeing Max made me feel linger even after we return to the house, even more so when I walk in with the girls and see that Viktor has just gotten home. He’s close to Caterina on the couch, cooing at Viktoria, and the sight of them with their heads pressed together, playing with their baby, makes a lump swell in my throat. It’s such a sweet domestic scene, one that I wouldn’t have imagined Viktor capable of a year ago. Yet I’ve seen a very different side of him since then—especially since we all came back from Russia.
He and Caterina might have had a rough start, but there’s no denying how unequivocally in love they are now. Seeing them together always makes me ache for what they have, to the point of even starting to think of taking my therapist’s advice and wading out into the unknown world of dating.
I want that for myself—to be loved and cherished by someone so completely. But I’m afraid of it, too. I’ve seen so little of good from men, and so much of the horrors they’re willing to inflict. Viktor has become a positive example of a good man over time. I’ve met others too in his circle, the other leading men of the mob families–good in their own ways, bad in others, but always willing to do what’s necessary for their families. But none of them are men I’d want for myself. They’re handsome enough and lovingly devoted to their wives, but with a possessive, predatory aura to them that terrifies me. Liam was the closest to being someone that I felt a spark toward, but he was never in the realm of possibility. He was Ana’s from the moment he saw her. They all frighten me at least a little. Only Max has never made me feel afraid.
Not only that—but I can’t imagine how awkward and unsure I’d feel on a date. I have no experience with romance and no experience with consensual sex. I’ve never been kissed or touched with desire, only lust and violence. It feels hard to trust anyone, especially outside of the small safe circle I’ve made for myself here. I haven’t even made friends outside of Caterina and the other women she’s friends with. The other women on Saoirse’s foundation board are the closest I have to friends—Sofia, Saoirse, Ana, and Maggie.
Max is the only man I truly trust without hesitation. The only man I can ever picture myself with, when I try. It’s always his handsome face, his warm hazel eyes, and his inviting smile. I don’twantto want anyone else—but I don’t want to be alone forever, either.
One day, the children will all grow up and go off to live their own lives. Caterina and Viktor will still have each other then—but who will I have? Who will I throw all my love into when the Andreyevs don’t need it any longer?
“How was your day, Sasha?” Viktor speaks up from the couch, glancing over to see I’ve walked in as Anika and Yelena run headlong for their father, talking over each other as they go. He raises his voice to be heard over them, smiling as he hugs his daughters. “How was the city?”
“Smelly and noisy, as usual. But I stopped at that coffee shop I like.” I roll up the sleeves of my shirt, picking Dimitri up before he can crawl too far off his play mat. “And at St. Patrick’s.”
“Oh?” Viktor raises an eyebrow. “Not your usual haunt.” He knows very well that my least favorite Sundays are ones when he and Caterina decide to take the children to St. Nicholas. Sometimes they decide to manage on their own, just to spare me the unpleasant memories it brings back.
“I’ve come to like it more.” I shrug, side-stepping any hint ofwhyI’ve come to find St. Patrick’s comforting. “It’s a quiet place to sit.”
“Not much quiet around here these days, that’s for sure,” Viktor says with a chuckle, giving Caterina a quick kiss as he stands. “I have some paperwork to do in my office, but come get me before dinner,lyubimaya?”He winks at her, and Caterina flushes, but a tiny smile plays on her lips.
He thinks he’s being discreet about it, but I knowexactlywhat they’re going to be getting up to in his office while I wrangle the children for dinner. Since Caterina has been well enough post-pregnancy, Viktor hasn’t been able to keep his hands off of her. It’s often made me feel that tiny twinge of jealousy that I know I’m wrong to feel—but deep down, I want to know what it’s like to have someone feel that kind of desire for me. To not be able to keep his hands off of me, toneedme in that hungry, wolfish way that Viktor looks at Caterina sometimes when he thinks no one else sees.
What would it be like, to have someone Itrustlook at me with that kind of hunger? Would it make me feel desire, too, instead of fear? Would it make me feel that deep, aching need that I want so badly to experience?
There’s only one man who’s ever made me feel it, and he’s the one who won’t ever reciprocate. It doesn’t seem fair.
Dinner is already served by the time Viktor and Caterina appear, hand in hand and whispering to each other, which only serves to make my already sore-feeling heart ache more. I shouldn’t feel lonely, not when I’m back home in the place that always makes me feel safe and happy, but tonight I do. Max’s distance since coming back from Boston has amplified it—might even be the reason for it—but I don’t want to admit that to myself.
“You’re late,” I tease Caterina as she sits down, pushing a lock of dark hair away from her face as she thanks Hannah for bringing in her plate, covered and warm from the kitchen.
“Viktor had some figures he wanted me to look over,” she says primly, but her mouth twitches at the corners as she reaches for her fork.
“You’re going to end up with another baby if you’re not careful.” I glance at her with a laugh, speaking quietly enough that Anika and Yelena won’t hear. “And then we’rebothgoing to need help.”
“Oh god, no,” Caterina says with a short laugh. “Anyway, I’ve been told you can’t get pregnant while you’re still breastfeeding.” She sneaks a look at Viktor. “Hopefully, that’s true,” she adds.
For her sake, I hope so too. She’s told me before that while she loved Anika and Yelena from the moment she met them, she wasn’t exactly prepared to become a stepmother the instant she stepped foot into Viktor’s house. And she hadn’t expected to have twins on her first pregnancy, either.
“Sofia is overwhelmed with justonebaby,” she adds with a laugh. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Sasha, truly. You’re a miracle.”
A year ago, I might have bristled at that. That, in particular, is one thing I’ve worked long and hard on in therapy—the conflicting feeling that I’m happy, loved, and appreciated here, that Caterina often says she doesn’t know what she’d do without me, and the knowledge of the awful circumstances without which I would never have ended up here at all. I know that no one isgladofwhyI’m here, only that I am. But it’s not always easy to remember that it’s okay to find good in a bad situation. To see that it turned out for the better and not resent how it started.
