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But then, I’d hesitated. Initially I had chalked it up to not being ready to see or talk to Dean. I had needed time. After talking with Paige and Fiona, though, I decided to make an attempt at untangling the confused mess that constituted my feelings for him.
I hadn’t made much progress either way. Obviously, we cared about each other. I couldn’t deny our mutual connection and attraction no matter how much I wanted to for the sake of my own dignity. And I also couldn’t forget how much fun we’d had together, however briefly. Being with Dean had been effortless.
I also understood where the girls had been coming from in defending him and his actions, but I couldn’t manage to get over the utter humiliation and betrayal of him knowing what Eric was doing that whole time and saying nothing. He had essentially lied to me, just like Eric had. If the situation had been reversed, I would have told him the truth. Without a doubt. It was bad enough that Dean and I had only begun because of a drunken mistake, but having so many lies between us so early on didn’t bode well for our relationship.
My confusion had gone on long enough, though. I wanted the papers out of my sight. I needed the stress and anxiety of our secret marriage behind me. It was time to move on.
I checked my signatures and information one last time, and then stuffed the thin stack into a manila envelope. Mailing the forms was an option, of course. But doing so would take more time, and there was always the possibility that they could get lost. Or Dean could claim he hadn’t received them, anyway. The only sure solution would be to deliver them directly. I wouldn’t have to see Dean face to face, I could leave the envelope in his mailbox and run away.
I chewed on my thumbnail again.Tomorrow. I’d deliver them tomorrow, on my way to work. There was no sense in taking an extra trip out on my day off, right?
Decision finally made, I waited for the relief to hit me.
But it didn’t come.
I felt tired, and restless, but not better. Not less overwhelmed. For a solid five minutes I debated taking the papers over today after all, hoping that passing them off would be the key to some sort of mental relief. Instead, I opted for my tried-and-true method for avoiding something I didn’t want to do, deep cleaning. My apartment had been immaculate while I had been prepping for boards too.
I put on some music and moved from room to room, tidying up, vacuuming, dusting, organizing, and wiping down surfaces. Slowly my mind blanked. At least until, in the second drawer of my ancient desk I found something that didn’t belong. Eric’s passport.
Baffled, I stared at the little blue book until I remembered our trip to Cancun back in January. Eric had been too tired to go back to his apartment after our flight home, and he had crashed at my place that night. I’d found his passport under the couch a few days later and had stashed it in the drawer, fully intending to return it to him. I must have forgotten. And clearly, so had he.
I was less than thrilled with my discovery. Had it had been anything else of his, I would have tossed it out right away. Happily. Passports were a bitch to replace, though. I was pissed at him, but not truly irrational. I’d have to give it back to him. It was the adult thing to do. Therightthing to do.
And if nothing else, I absolutely had to get better at making good decisions.
Which meant I’d be seeing both McIntyre brothers in the near future.
Great.
Glancing at my phone, I saw that it was almost five in the evening. I knew from experience that Eric would be heading home from work soon. I could intercept him outside his office, a very public place, and throw the passport at him without exchanging a single word. One less thing to worry about.
Today, Eric. Tomorrow, Dean. Then I was done. All the closure a girl could ever want or need.
At the risk of missing him, I hurried to put on some clean, non-dusty clothing, and then grabbed the passport and my purse. Luckily, traffic was light, and I made it to his fancy downtown skyscraper with a whole three minutes to spare. I parked and sat on a bench with a direct view of the front doors and pulled out my phone to entertain myself.
“Jillian?”
I shot to my feet, mentally scolding myself for getting absorbed in a game so quickly. “Hey…Eric.”
I had the pleasure of seeing him momentarily unsure of himself. It was a rare feat, and one that already made this trip worth it.
“Umm. Hi. This is a surprise. What are you doing here?”
“I was cleaning today and found this.” I said simply, pulling the passport from my bag.
“Oh. Wow. Thanks. I had no idea you still had this.”
“Yeah. Neither did I. Just found it. Like I said. And now you have it, so…bye.” I turned on my heel to return to my car.
“Jillian…wait a sec,” Eric called.
I could see my car. It was right there. I could pretend I didn’t hear him calling my name and keep going. Theoretically. Except…damn this whole being an adult thing sucked.
Facing Eric once more, I lifted an eyebrow.
In response, he lightly grabbed my elbow and led me to a less trafficked area of the plaza. He met my eyes and spoke in his low ‘serious’ voice.
“The apology I gave you the other day wasn’t great.…so, for real, I’m sorry,” he said, sounding as though he actually meant it. “I’m sorry for how I treated you, and how you found out. I mean it. It was never my intention to hurt you. From the moment we met I was so crazy about you. You were my dream girl.”
