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“Maybe more.” I roll my shoulders. “Definitely more.” The new game came out three weeks ago and since I’m not a gamer by any stretch, Rowen thought it’d be the perfect game to introduce me to gaming. I’d have been better off with any game on the planet other than this one. She’s so frustrated with me and I feel like complete garbage because of it.
“You’re going to hate gaming forever now,” she whines, settling the controllers in the floor and moving back to her spot.
“I’m not. I just hate this game. I get that teamwork is the point, but holy shit teamwork is hard. No wonder the couple in the game is getting divorced. They probably played this game, kept dying, and realized it’s not worth it.” I groan.
“Most two player games are competitive. You kill each other, race each other, whatever. Even two player games where that isn’t your goal, one comes out on top, but this is next level teamwork. Thanks for playing with me even though you hate it.”
“I like playing with you. This game is another story though. I’m starting to think I may have an actual heart attack.” I adjust so my arms are around her. “Still on for tonight?” I inhale her scent, resting my face on her head, absorbing as much of Rowen as I can. She nods and I close my eyes. We’ve been at this for weeks now. Eight of them to be exact. It’s strange to think that eight weeks ago, she wasn’t in my life, kissing me, holding my hand, sleeping next to me. Now she is. Not every day, but most days. I wake up next to her, we spend more time with each other than anyone else, except maybe Collins, and it fits, it’s comfortable. Rowen and I work. It’s exactly what I was missing in my life, the void I spent countless hours trying to fill with dating apps, trips to gay bars, and flirting with women I knew couldn’t give me what I need. Sitting here in her living room, arms around her while she dozes on my chest, I start thinking about what could come next. Rowen’s young, fun, figuring out her new life, but I have no indication if she wants more from me, from us. Part of me wants to ask, wants to lay my cards on the table, but why rock the boat? Why mess up this great thing we have going, video game aside, to push for things she isn’t ready to give? I let it go, slouching more on the sofa, letting Rowen fall more into me, and close my eyes. Her breathing evened out almost immediately, soft snores coming from her while she sleeps. I learned our first night together that the quickest way to get her to pass out is letting her lie on my chest. It’s like a switch flips, and it’s lights out.
The chirping of her alarm playing some bouncy tune rouses both of us from our midmorning nap and I rub the pain in my neck as soon as Rowen pushes off me to turn the alarm off. “Ugh!” She flops back, rubbing her eyes. “Four hours of work with Leo then he leaves, and I get an hour with Amelia before I’m out of there and getting ready for tonight.” She rolls her head to face me, eyes tired and hair mussed from sleep.
“I can’t wait.” I lean over to kiss her.
“I have to dress up?”
“It’s a nice place, but a ball gown isn’t necessary unless you have one handy. I would definitely eat you out under a ball gown if you wore one” I stand and pop my back, offering my hand to help her up.
“I am finding a ballgown as soon as humanly possible.” She smooths her hair back and grabs her beanie from where she tossed it while we played. “You’re picking me up?” She bats her lashes at me, and I nod. “Yay! I’ll see you later then. Expect lots of whiny texts about how terrible Leo is and how I want to kill him in his sleep.”
“Don’t tell your-” Her eyes go wide and I back track, realizing I almost used a word we’re actively avoiding. “Your friendly neighborhood cop that you want to kill people. That’s how to commit murder one-oh-one.” I swallow the lump in my throat.
“Damn it. Now I can’t kill him because you’ll know it was me.” She rolls her eyes and brushes a wrinkle from my shirt. “Go do whatever you do when we aren’t together, I need to leave now or Leo will glare at me all night for being five seconds late.” I walk out with her, hand in hand, and kiss her softly before letting her in her car and shutting the door. I watch her back out and head home for my gym bag to work off some of the aggression over that damn video game.
Collins wipes down the treadmill and comes over to stand where I’m curling free weights, that shit eating grin on his face. Without a word, he takes the bench close to mine and joins me. He thinks I’m going to crack under the silent pressure, but I’m not Noralee. She hates silence. I also spend my time with a talker, so I can wait him out forever. His eyes bore into me, both of us not speaking, switching arms, and counting reps silently. I watch the clock, counting the seconds while nothing but upbeat gym music fills the air around us. I set the weight gently on the floor, stand and stretch, still not saying a word. I pop my brows at him, my own smirk on my face, and start to walk away.
“Fuck. Fine. I give.” Collins drops his weight and jogs after me. “I’m here on an intel mission. Nora and the girls want to know if you’re having the talk tonight.” His jaw twitches and his face turns red. I stare at him, mock innocence on my face, and blink a couple of times. “You know, the are we official talk. Apparently, they’re obsessed with this conversation that defines the parameters of the relationship and this is official date number ten. Your potential girlfriend is spending a lot of time with my wife and Rowen didn’t know about the talk. They’ve enlightened her and now they all need to know your intentions.” Wyatt shakes his head, rubbing his forehead.
“Cool story, needs more dragons.” I roll my eyes. Being raised in a house with two very dramatic brothers, I learned to be levelheaded. Add that skill to my current occupation, and I can keep cool in the most stressful of situations. My face is a perfect mask of bored disinterest, but my insides are a fucking wreck. A bead of sweat creeps down my back, my teeth are clenched, and my stomach is a knot. Rowen wants a commitment. Not a permanent one, but still, she wants something official, lasting, a label. It’s been two months, which is no time at all for normal people, but for a lesbian, I should be planning a wedding and naming our children. Hey, some stereotypes have some truth. In a town where out women are a rare commodity, you lock that stuff down fast. Unless you’re Reggie, but that’s a whole different issue.
“I was supposed to covertly ask you about how things are going and all that shit then report back, but I don’t play those games, so I asked outright. Nora wants to know if date ten is the official ‘we only see each other’ conversation.” Wyatt rubs the back of his neck. I want to snap at him, tell him it’s none of his fucking business or Nora’s, but I know that’s just me being an asshole and being scared. I’m falling for Rowen, hard, and if she wants a commitment from me, I’ll give it. The problem is, I don’t know if this is the jaded past of Rowen’s new friends wanting this for her, or her wanting it for herself. Rowen’s young, and that doesn’t bother me, but it may mean she’s being pushed to ask for a commitment from me that she doesn’t actually want yet. I’d love to call her my girlfriend, tell everyone she’s the forever I’ve been looking for, but if that’s not what she wants I’ll end up in another situation where my heart gets broken, and I don’t want to do that again. I also don’t want to be in a relationship where her goal isn’t forever.
“Sorry to disappoint the masses, but that’s between us.” I clap Wyatt on the shoulder and start to walk away. I want to shower off this conversation, go home, and get ready for my date. I’m taking her somewhere special and need to get dressed.
“What if I just want to know if you’re okay? I know last time…” Wyatt trails off. “I’m a guy and I’m not good at being a woman’s best friend, but last time, you were a wreck. I don’t want that for you again; I like seeing you happy.” I crack a smile and he watches me warily.
“You’re a good friend Wyatt. Things are good. I…” I’m definitely falling in love with Rowen, but we aren’t quite there yet. “I really like her, we click. We’re just taking it slow, having a good time.” As soon as I say the words, I know they’re not true. I’m not here for a good time. I’m here for a long time. Or at least I want to be.
“I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with Nora the second she hit me with that door. It scared the shit out of me, not just because I have Cruze, but for me too. You pushed me to go see her, ask her out, and now I live and die for her. Take the chance, Janet. If you’re on the fence about it, take the chance. I’m here with ice cream if it doesn’t work, but you’ll always regret it if you hesitate.” He never calls me Janet. He also just read my damn mind. Great. Now Collins is in my head, making me want to change the whole dynamic of our relationship and it’s absolutely terrifying. Things were fine. Rowen and I have a good time. We go out, we stay in, we play board games, and cook together. It’s all great. The sex is fantastic. Everything is happening in its own time, she makes me laugh, I’m learning things about her. And now I have this seed of doubt in my head that she wants more from me because women like to meddle, and I have no idea if she actually wants a commitment from me or if her friends are telling her she needs this.
“Fuck,” I mutter under my breath and head to grab my bag from the lockers before heading home to shower and get ready.
My phone’s already ringing when I step out of the shower. I dry my hand, swipe the screen, and press the speaker button. “Hey Mom.” I dry off, wiping the steam from the bathroom mirror and think back to the first night Rowen and I were together. Heat pools low in my stomach at the memory and my face heats.
“Are you listening?” My mother’s voice dumps cold water all over my memory.
“Yup. Sorry. What?” Mom’s sigh comes through the phone.
“Your brother is bringing home a date to meet us all next weekend. I want you to come. Things are serious with them now.” She says your brother as if I don’t have two of them. “Garret. Sorry.” Collins and my mother are both reading my mind today.
“Yeah, I’ll be there. Text me the details.” I unwrap my hair from the towel and shake it out.
“Why would I text you when we’re on the phone right now?” My mother hates texting, but I hate being on the phone so it’s a slight point of contention.
“Because I’m naked and not going to remember any of this in a couple of hours. If it’s in writing, I can look back on it and not have to call back to get details.” We’ve had this conversation so many times.
“Fine okay. Why are you naked?” And I spend the next twenty minutes talking to my mother about why I answered the phone naked. We talk so long that I’m to the hair stage of this process before I get her off the phone because we can’t talk while I blow dry. It almost turns into a conversation about why I’m blow drying my hair. The whole world knows I don’t blow dry my hair, but here I am, and now Mom knows I’m trying to impress someone tonight. It’s going to get to Lucas and Garret and I’m going to get so many texts. Pressure from Collins about my current relationship status is bad enough, now my family is jumping in as well. Tonight is going to be great.
I dry my hair, letting it stay loose around my shoulders. I put on my black dress pants and a white button down, tucking it in and zipping my pants. I grab my only dress shoes, a pair of red flats from the back of my closet, stepping into those while I sort through the basket under the sink for my makeup. Digging out the hair dryer made a mess and now I can’t find anything. My phone starts buzzing and I reach for it, groping at the sink and reaching for the makeup bag at the same time and fall on my ass on the tiled floor. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. My hand is shaking, I’m sitting on my ass in the bathroom floor, and I’m kind of a mess now. All because Collins asked me about my relationship. Surely, I’m too old for this shit. No other thirty-five-year-old grown ass adult is this shaken up about having to define a relationship. It shouldn’t be this stressful suddenly. Everything was fine, I was excited about tonight, now I’m nervous. I haven’t been nervous around Rowen since the day we met. It’s all so easy with her. I’ve let an outsider get in my head and twist things.
