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She blinked at him, her reflection in his glasses small. “I’m sorry, hi,” she said as she brushed her fingers along her hairline. “Were you just inside? I didn’t see you,” She said a silent curse, dropping her hand away as she reminded herself that the tried-and-true tricks wouldn’t work on a man such as this. A man with eyes that did not see, and a heart that belonged to God.
“Yes, I was,” the Deacon said, raising a bag. “Dinner for one.”
Valerie smiled, rustling the bag in her passenger seat for good measure. “Dinner for two, here. Though I doubt Nicholas will eat it. I got him a box of cereal, just in case. It’s all he wants lately,” she admitted.
The Deacon smiled warmly, leaning down. Valerie moved back, intoxicated by his nearness. “I believe I caught you in one of your faraway moments again,” he said, pursing his lips.
“Perhaps,” Valerie admitted.
“If young Nicholas wants cereal tonight, I would be happy to host you for dinner. As I said before, my door is always open. And you have my number.”
Valerie nodded, the Deacon’s scent in her car, so near. Valerie promised to let him know. To use the number he gave her. To ask Nicholas if he would like to join her.
To want was to be weak. And Valerie didn’t want to be weak, but there she was.
Wanting.
Again.
* * *
After she made it home from her brief encounter with the Deacon, she cleaned all afternoon. And when Nicholas returned home from school, they started their game, playing house, pretending to be normal.
She asked him about his day, his homework. He asked her how work had been. And when all was said and done, all the niceties performed, they went to separate parts of the trailer.
Later, Nicholas feigned disappointment when she told him she was leaving for the night, heading to dinner with a friend. He barely tried with his lie, but they both acted the part.
Grateful for their fake family, Valerie ran to the gas station, picked up pizza, and brought it back to him. She knew he would likely eat the cereal as dessert, and the solitude was a peace offering, for show, for his fake sadness.
He retreated to his room, and she knew later he would go to the cemetery. Maybe smoke with his friend. She could smell it in the air but said nothing.
It’s why she didn’t feel guilty for leaving the boy behind in favor of her own heart.
The Deacon was grilling when she walked into his backyard. He smiled at her approach. And it felt good to be smiled at. His teeth were straight, perfect.
“How was the rest of your day?” His voice was warm, like honey and second chances. A trick of the light, perhaps. Perhaps they reflected her desires.
“Tiring. And … Nicholas said he wanted pizza, so I gave in. That’s why I’m here,” she lied, wondering if he could tell. She was slowly thawing around the Deacon. She could hear weakness in her throat, crawling to get out, but she choked it down. She wondered again what it would be like to confess to him.
He didn’t ask about Nicholas when she’d called, saying she would join him. He didn’t ask why she’d changed her mind. He’s simply said he was grateful to not dine alone. And she’d smiled into the phone.
As the Deacon prepared their meat, Valerie eyed the house and the round structure of the area that was the church. She was scared to go in, but knew she wanted to. Perhaps it was another reason for the dinner. She wanted to see it alone, without the townsfolk and their voices echoing in her mind. She wanted nothing but the Deacon, and God, if she could hear him.
She turned to the Deacon, clearing her throat before speaking. Smiling when he turned her way. “I know I haven’t told you much about … our church in California. But it’s not just Nicholas who has his reservations. I thought it would be nice to see the church tonight. In the quiet. But what if I don’t go in tonight? What if I can’t? What if I never can? What if this backyard is my church, for now?”
“You’ll make it to church when you’re ready. I’ve known you were meant to be there ever since the first time I met you in the café.”
“Are …?” She stared over the lawn, past the road, to the overlook. You could see the whole town from there. “Are … Deacons ever allowed to date?”
She heard the clink of a plate to her left, as the Deacon shut the grill. She kept her eyes away, heard the rustle of his clothing as he stepped closer to her. She closed her eyes.
“I enjoy this friendship we have, Valerie, and I want more, yes. I think we both know that.” He paused, thebuton his lips. She waited for it. “I have thought for many years that I wanted to be a Priest. And to do so … you and I could never be together. But if my decision is to be a permanent Deacon, I would not be bound to celibacy. I have been ordained to nurture and increase the people of God in this community in the absence of a Priest. It is my duty to lead the prayers, to proclaim the gospel, to preach the homily, and to give Holy Communion.”
Valerie nodded, tears in her eyes. When the Deacon spoke, everything inside of her quieted. Everything she loved about the Deacon was everything that told her he could break her heart. She’d foolishly entertained the idea of living on the hill with him, serving the community, being two godly people that inspired others. And when reality hit, she always remembered who she was. Murderer. Cruel hearted sister killer. Deformed.
Before she could be once again caught in one of her faraway moments, Valerie excused herself, confessing she was worried the potatoes might burn. Another lie, stacking up like building blocks. But she didn’t know what she was building.
After a moment the Deacon knocked on the door, likely with his shoe.
