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“I have never faltered. But the day I saw you, I questioned my faith. My purpose. I thoughtI want her.”
“Saw me?”
The Deacon smiled. “I can see, though I do not have eyes. I see you now, in all your peculiarity. All of your turmoil. I have given myself over to this life, this restraint. And when I look at you, I don’t want to restrain myself.”
“I would never want to tempt you. I enjoy being near you because it keeps everything in my head quiet, and still,” she said, lies and truth mixing.
“And you make everything noisy. But, in the best way, Valerie. I know you have felt alone for a long time in his life, but you don’t have to be if you join me here.”
“For church? For confession? For—” She searched for the word, what she wanted him to take from her, to make her feel again. She’d almost felt forgiven in the confessional.
“I have been unable to think of anything else since you had dinner here alone with me. I have been unable to think of anything else but my decision. A future Priest, or a permanent Deacon. I love the people here. I want to lead them. I selfishly don’t want to follow another. I want to hold the mantel. But, I’ve been waiting a long time for you Valerie. I want to lie with you. I want you to be my wife. That first day, when I said we would love to have you up here, I misspoke. What I want to say is I would love to have you forever.”
Valerie’s heart exploded, and she turned in her seat toward the Deacon. He stayed still, staring ahead. She took his hand. “Nicholas would never live up here,” she started.
The Deacon finally moved, turning toward her. “Are you not his guardian? There is plenty of room.”
“I’m not … no. I’m not his guardian. Not legally. He’ll be eighteen in less than a year. I worry that when that happens, he’ll want to leave. I don’t know. He’s enjoying school so much. He has friends for the first time in his life.”
“Friends?” The Deacon asked, and something strange flickered over his face. “That’s wonderful for him. But it won’t fill the gaping hole in his chest. He needs guidance. Someone to be a positive male role model in his life. I can be that for him.”
“I don’t know,” Valerie said, and she pulled the Deacon’s hand up to her face, kissing his knuckles.
The Deacon leaned close, and she tilted her head, but he pulled away. “I think what you seek, you can find in the dark. You have a deep-seated hunger within you. You worry you are wrong.Altered.But you are not a red woman like that.”
At his words, Valerie pressed his hand to her lips, where she gripped it limply. “I dream of blood, Deacon. And my hair is red. I think you’re wrong. I think maybe you don’t know me the way you think. Or, I am not who you hope I am. I let people down. I always have. I’ve never lived up to the expectations set for me. My mother didn’t want me.”
“Your mother was a fool playing games. She wanted to hide you away, but you’re found now.”
Valerie looked at him hard, trying to read his face. She wanted to take his glasses off, see every part of him. She looked away and whispered her next words. “I don’t know my mother. No one does. I was left at the front door of a fire station.”
“Valerie, look at me,” the Deacon said, and she shook her head, looking everywhere but at him. The moon’s light could be seen outside, filtering through the tall windows. She knew it was cold outside, with December so close, and she felt incredibly at home then in the Steele Heart Church. What she’d wanted, he’d confessed. He was not like Gregory or Adrian. He wanted to lay with her. He wanted to marry her. The Deacon leaned down, pressing his forehead to hers, and she wondered what it would be like to kiss him. To kissGod.
His voice was deep and old when he spoke. “When I first felt your presence, I felt family. I haven’t felt family in a long time. I would never admit this to those who come here looking for guidance. But I want you to be my family here. I want you and Nicholas and I to be together.”
“If I move up here, the town will talk. They’ll want me gone. Your congregation—”
The Deacon gripped her throat, and Valerie finally looked at him. “Will understand, or not. I do not care. We are a small and loyal group. They will grow to love you as I do. They will have no choice,” he said.
To Valerie, it almost sounded like a threat. And the image of the winged beast from her nightmares flashed in her mind.
Instead of leaning forward to press her lips to the Deacon’s, to confess to him that when she first saw him she felt the same, she pulled away. “My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart,” she repeated, pulling away.
“Valerie, look at me,” the Deacon repeated, but again, she did not listen. Some voice inside of her told her not to.
“Thank you for insisting I face my fears. I am so very glad I stepped foot in this small church,” she said, standing. “I have a lot to think about. I feared you would look at me differently after my confession, but you have given me your own confession, and it is the one my heart longed for.” She spoke hurriedly, staring at her shoes. She could see the Deacon stand in her periphery, but she did not look at him. “I have much to think about. I must say goodnight now,” she said, hurrying for the door. She thought she saw a shadow on the wall, wings and dark things, but she did not stop. She walked through the Deacon’s home, to his front door, out into the snow.
TWENTY-THREE
One cold night, it snowed.
I saw fat shadows fall by my window as the moon shone brightly. I grabbed my jeans from the floor, swiped my notebook from the nightstand, and went to grab my coat from my closet.
I was imagining what words would hit the page as I sat in the cemetery writing, as winter spoke to me. But my brief joy over the white flakes in the dark sky was short-lived, and before long, it rained.
Defeated, I hid under my covers, mocked by the minutes and hours on the clock across the room as they ticked by.
The trailer was quiet. Valerie was asleep after an evening out again with her friend …
