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Fuck youif you think you are ever going to find better.Fuck youif you believe there is anyone out there who will even come close to being as awesome as me.Fuck youfor making me doubt myself.Fuck youbecause God, if you do find someone else, I never want to know.
Fuck you, Enzo, for making me feel like shit in a foreign country. Where the sunrise reminds me of fantasy, and the landscapes are made for motion pictures.Fuck you, my one true love, for forcing me to hate you.Fuck you, because now I can only think of funny times where I felt I did hate you. Some of our fights were so stupid, but damn I wasn’t made to back down.
“Why do our towels smell like soy sauce?”I am sitting cross-legged on the counter, reading an article. You are scrubbing a towel on your face, another is around your waist, and one more is on your shoulders.
“What kind of question is that?I spilled soy sauce.”I shrug because it’s an obvious response.
“How much?”Like the amount of ounces matter.
“A bit.”Scrunching my face to one side.
“You think soy sauce grows on trees?”I don’t know why you got upset about me spilling something; all of our towels helped clean it up. Our scent will be Soy Sauce for a few days, no big deal.
“No, it grows from the ground from soybeans.”
“Why do you know that?”I liked this about you; I did. It was easy to jump on another unrelated topic when you were mad about one thing to grow your frustration.
“It’s common sense.”Because it is; it’s in the name.
“Is it?”Pretty sure, my half-Japanese lover.
“Yeah, like where do apples come from, trees?”Logic, show him logic, I thought.
“Fucking common sense.”Now you’re pissed about common sense.
“I think you mean fuck your common sense.”Because I can get angry for no reason at all.
We balanced each other in that way. Stubborn, but oh so sweet when we wanted to be correct.
I spend six weeks here. Not because I have plans, but because what better way to get through heartbreak than wandering around Scotland? I plan to stay seven weeks, maybe eight. The image on my phone is carved into my memory. Kumiko sent an invitation to Enzo’s graduation ceremony.
I know the place, I know the time, and I know, the date. I promise myself I won’t go; I don’t need to. Enzo has said everything he needs to say. But this small part of me wants to be wrong, wants to show up, and he crushes his mouth on mine and tells me he is a fucking idiot for breaking us up.
Maybe that is why I go.
I fly into Chicago, I take a bus to the Navy base. When I get there, I blend in; I don’t want to be spotted by Kenzo’s family or even him. I just want to see him one last time. I want to see what he wanted more than a life with me. I want to be proud of him for all of his hard work. And I want to keep loving him because it seems like the only thing I have been able to do right for the past years we were together.
My camera is in my hands, shielding my face most of the ceremony. I snap dozens of pictures; when Enzo walks out in line with hundreds of others, I see a new side. Even from here I can tell his physical form has changed from the training. He is restrained, controlled.
After the ceremony, I watch the other family members find their loved ones, sharing hugs and tears of pride and praise. I witness Enzo find his family, picking up his mom and hugging her tight as her feet lift off the ground. He is smiling, and that makes me smile too.
I wasn’t going to say anything. All I wanted was to show up, see Enzo, and leave. But fate always has a way to prove we do not know the right choice.
Kenzo is talking with one of his sisters. She slips something in his hand, but he shakes his head. I move out of the way of other visitors. When I look back up, he has found me. I try to hold back my cries. He seems so brave and handsome, so beautiful and collected. I want to tell him he doesn’t look stupid or silly.
The bright white against his dark skin is so pure, just like his heart. I may not understand why he did it, but I love him for having the courage to follow through.
Someone calls his attention, and he stops walking toward me. I can see his family waiting for him, and it is my time to go. By the time he turns back to me, I have moved on. My eyes steer forward, back to the bus stop. No one echoes my name; it was like I was never there to begin with.
Chapter 8
Kenzo
41.6506° N, 87.0708° W Indiana Dunes National Park
IarriveinIllinoiswithout a hassle. The one time I do something where I might get held up with delays, but everything is smooth sailing. It’s a curse, I am sure, for breaking up with Phoebe the way I did. It’s a ten-second phone to my mom and dad to let them know I have arrived. Mainly because I did it at all. Now I am sitting in the exam room for another round of medical bullshit.
All I keep thinking about is her face. The way she closed off her emotions. She was vacant from the brave, enthusiastic woman I knew. Phoebe has to be okay. She needs to be okay. Everything will be OK. I keep thinking about all the different scenarios where we can get back together or maybe stay together.
