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“Why can’t you go come inside, Phoebe?” My father’s voice sounds strong like he could lift me up on his shoulders and swing me around.
“What, you didn’t you know, Niko?” My mother sucks in her cheeks and looks at the ground. “I lived in this house from the time I was born until I was sixteen. Sixteen years, and I think you only visited a handful of times. Of course, not in front of Grandpa; he hated Lacey enough for sleeping with the enemy and making me another enemy.”
“Lace?” My dad tries to understand the years he wants to forget. He reaches for her, trying to get her to confide in him the truth. Niko is gentle with her; no one is ever gentle with my mother. Not even herself.
“How often did you get locked in your room and called a traitor? I mean, I was in elementary school, afuckingkid. Gosh, I didn’t want to be anything he claimed I was. But I guess you can’t switch for a new model that looks less like dead enemies than it does your granddaughter.” I shake my head, refusing to meet the memories I have had years to cleanse and come to peace with.
I shouldn’t have come here; this was a mistake. I knew it all along.
“It wasn’t that bad, I promise, Niko. I didn’t realize.” Lacey tries to beg my father to believe her. I want to believe her, too, but I lived through the bullshit. I don’t need Niko to believe me; he will not save me from the demons I’ve already destroyed.
“Come on, Lacey, let’s compare who had the worst childhood being raised by your dad.” My mother starts crying, but I don’t know why she is upset. “Do you know what it is like for your grandfather to call you a dirty Jap? Fuck, like that wasn’t even his war. He must have never seen a map of the world because Vietnam and Japan aren’t hanging out on the weekends, if you know what I mean.” Make a joke out of it; maybe then it won’t sting from the pain.
“Phoebe.” I never had a dad before, but I guess my brothers do. But I refuse to acknowledge my biological father’s empathy.
“But it sure put me in my place; when he sent me to my room, I acted like the prisoner he wanted me to be.”
“I’m so sorry, Phoebe.” It is my mother’s words that have changed so much over the years.
Niko wraps an arm around her as she apologizes but watches me like he doesn’t know me.
“Why are you sorry, Lacey? You didn’t die; I didn’t die. I mean, I probably should have, though, right? Would have gotten this reunion of the two of you back together sooner.” I laugh, and it is acid in my throat.
“Phoebe, please, can I talk to you?” Niko is handsome; even from here, he hasn’t aged like the pale skin on Mother.
I don’t say no, but Niko pushes my mother back inside and closes the door. He walks toward me, and we sit down on the grass.
The last time I saw him was when I was thirteen. It was my birthday; Mom bought me my first bra. We picked him up at a McDonald's. He was eating fries when he got in the car. I knew he was an addict before anyone had to tell me.
“So, what did you want to know about me?”
“How did you hook back up with her?”
“I came around looking for you. I’d been clean for a few years. Your mom said you left; I think it was around when you turned seventeen. But she told me you were already gone.” I wonder what that was like knocking on the front door. I am sure she was happy to see him.
“I’m sorry, Niko. I can’t be your daughter.”
“I know.” Looking at the house he shares with his wife and sons. “I lost the opportunity a long time ago. But even if you don’t want to call me your father, I want you to know I am proud of you. We both are. The living room has your pictures hanging all over the walls. Do you want to see?” I know he is trying to convince me to go into the house; it can’t hurt me anymore. But I can’t do it.
“No, that’s okay. I was the one who took the pictures.”
“Do you want to meet your little brothers?”
“What are their names?” I ask, but I don’t want to know them. I won’t be staying long.
“Akio is the little man in the window. His brother is Kenji; he is at a sports camp.” There is pride in his voice. I turn my head to look at his lips, and he turns to face me.
“I should get going.” I stand up and brush off the damp grass from my jeans. “Tell Lacey I didn’t mean to spoil her day or life. I’m glad you guys found each other.”
“Me too. Lacey will be okay; she’s emotional these days.” My dad shrugs at the comment.
“You know I didn’t ask to be born.”
“But we are so glad you were.” He doesn’t even hesitate as he says it. He has been preparing for years to say it. “Phoebe, you were why I got clean and stayed clean. Without you, I might be dead on the side of the road.”
“I remember Mom used to pick you up from the side of the road.”
“Not my best days.”
