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“Yeah, your tour is all booked. If you ask them at the front desk, I have it all arranged for you.” Phoebe then looks at me, tells me something I don’t understand. “Sorry about stealing your guy last night.”
“It seems you took excellent care of him.” Thomas winks at her, and I hate him.
“Cool, well, it was nice to meet you. I have to meet up with a few locals who promised to show me around.” Phoebe tries her best to be friendly and leave quickly.
“Nice, asshole.” Connors smacks Thomas again.
“What?” Thomas isn’t even aware.
“Wait, Phoebe, are you leaving? Already?” I chase after her, confused about what happened from a few hours ago.
“Ugh, yeah. I’m on an assignment. I have to head down to the docks to take pictures of the fishermen before they got out.” She grips her backpack and adjusts it a little. Then walks away without an honest answer.
“Great, what did I do this time?” I throw my hands up. I have been in the best mood, and we are back into this. “Do you think I spend hours thinking of ways to destroy you or hurt you, Phoebe?”
“I was finally getting over you! I waited for you to get out of the Navy because I figured you would do what you wanted to, but you got out and nothing. Then I saw you in San Francisco. Why I have no idea. But it was fucking fate slapping me in the goddamn face lusting for you. You have been running away from me for years, and I keep trying to stop it. Because it gets too painful after a while.” Her speech made me cower because part of me was a coward.
“Phoebe, baby, I’m sorry.” I run my hands through my hair, trying to solve an issue I made as a default.
“You promised this time would be different, that old pains would fade and make a new path from yesterday. You can’t blame me for loving a broken man when our pieces fit the same puzzle. You are missing your other half; I’m the other half. But I don’t want to be anymore.”
“Phoebe.” She can’t mean it; I shake my head, not accepting it.
“I’m not your friend, Enzo.” She pushes a hand against my chest.
“What does that mean?”
“It means you can’t make love to me in the middle of the jungle. Tell me you love me like you fucking cum inside me.” I hear it. I do.
“Phoebe, it’s just guy talk, nothing serious.”
“Just like what is between us is nothing serious?” I hate that she laughs and looks to the sky. I am not taking this seriously because I don’t know what else to do to prove it to her.
“You know that isn’t what I meant.”
“I don’t know what you mean anymore, Enzo. Sometimes I wake up and think I don’t know you at all. I can’t keep falling in love with you just for you to change your mind.” Phoebe turns and heads down the path just as the sun rises.
“Hey, I’ll see you in my memories.” I cup my hands to call out to her.
“And I’ll remember the good echoes.” Phoebe barely turns her head to tell me.
“Promise me only the good ones!” I go on my tippy toes and yell louder. “Always, only the good ones.” I wait for her to answer, but she never responds.
I let her go because I don’t know how to change her mind.
I would stay with you if you asked me. Right here, right now, there is no hope; I just wait and wish.I would. But you never speak those words; we are always too late.
What if I love you? What if I choose to stay along your side? What if you finally ask me to? What happens then? What if I love you like I’m willing to give up everything just to be with you? But I learned a long time ago it doesn’t work to win your affection.
I don’t want to feel this way, not again.
I don’t think we will ever end up together. The most brutal truth is not one I am willing to accept. You want time, I’ll give it to you until you see who I am. And I have been waiting for you all along.
I love you.
The words stay stuck to the back of my tongue. My fingers grab at my throat, choking them to swallow and remain. We shouldn’t speak things out loud, not if we can’t take them back. No time machine vanishes my thoughts and feelings from Phoebe’s knowing.
Because what if they do?
