AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Well, I’m not! Enzo, I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in a long time, and I am so sorry you wasted your time coming here. Saying a few words and thinking it would fix everything!” I slam my backpack down on the ground. “I’m not okay, and I will not be okay. I keep thinking I’ll wake up one day and think it’s okay if I am never okay again. Because I shouldn’t be, and I keep praying I don’t ever wake up again.”
Our yells echoed across the hills.
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone, Phoebe. I was going through something personal.”
“Oh, were you also the victim of a mass murder in front of your eyes and keep wondering why the fuck you are alive?” I should feel sorry for him. I should feel bad for him. Not ever again.
“I should have answered; I saw your name. For some reason, I knew whatever you were going to say would change us, would change me. At the moment, I had come so far being okay without you. I didn’t want to go back to being dependent on a relationship.” I can see one of his eyes start to blink away his tears. “I didn’t know about what happened in Brazil; I didn’t listen to your message because I couldn’t. It would have broken me, Phoebe.” Enzo turns toward me, pleading me to understand his motives.
“I could have gone my entire life without knowing those details, Enzo.” There is nothing else to say.
“I’m sorry, Phoebe. I am so sorry, on so many levels.” His hands go to his heart as if clenching them to his chest will help hold him together. “I want to stop hurting you, stop breaking your heart with my choices. I’m so sorry loving me has wounded me more than healed you.”
“Then stop showing up, Kenzo.” I watch his tears stream in a line down his cheek. “It’s time for our final goodbye,” I say quickly; I hope it's true. It’s light on my tongue like a tired blink before bedtime.
“Do you think you can forgive me?” It’s in his throat as he asks.
“I forgive you.” Because whatever he needs to leave me, I will say it. No matter the cost to my own emotions.
“It was too easy for you to say.” Enzo tilts his head a bit.
“You needed to hear it; it doesn’t matter if I hold up my bargain end. They are just words, Enzo. They’ve only ever been just words we say.” I crouch down to tie my hiking shoes.
“They weren’t words, Pheebs. When I said I love you, I meant it. I still do.” He is reaching for me, but I’m unreachable. Unable to come back to reality at the moment.
“No, you don’t! You don’t love me, Kenzo! You haven’t loved me in a long time, and I swear…I swear to God, I hope you never will again. Because I promise I can’t take it. I promise I am not worthy of it anymore. So please, take your love and give it to someone else. Let them feel lucky to be in love instead of trapped.” I am shouting, and my voice hurts at the high octaves. “Isn’t that what you said when you left? You couldn’t be trapped in something you didn’t know for sure. But here we are, Enzo. Look at us now, eight years later, and still can’t stand each other.” Emotions are exhausting my body in ways I can’t handle.
“It doesn’t have to be this way.” His words are cautious as he says them aloud, slow and calm.
But I bite my lip and shake my head no. “It does if you understand anything that I am going through right now.”
“I love you; can’t that be enough?”
“I’ve loved you for a decade, Enzo. The sad part is, it was never enough for you.” I grab my backpack and pull it over my shoulders. My eyes scan the area to make sure I leave no evidence of life. When I accept my absence on the land, I move past him, leaving him in my footsteps.
The motel isn’t far from where we were, but far enough, no one would wander to find me.
“We only have rooms with one bed left.” The woman behind the counter smoking her cigarette looks behind me, and I know she finds Enzo.
“We aren’t together.” I take out my wallet, shoving a few twenties in her direction. When the lady hands me my change, I see my hand is shaking. I don’t miss Enzo’s eyes going to it as I peer back to him and try to recover quickly.
“Listen, if you get sick and make a mess of the place, I will charge you triple.” The cigarette lady puts her hand on her hip. I want to tell her I’m not a junkie coming down from a high. But what do the thoughts of strangers have to do with me?
A key slides to me, and I take it and walk away. I fumble with it long enough to notice Enzo’s room next to mine. He takes a few steps toward me, but the door opens, and I disappear inside, wishing I could disappear all in all.
The bathroom is spotless to my human eye, but I don’t have time to see if it passes a black light sweep. I crawl into the tub. I turn on the shower to heat my limbs, and I cry. I sob for the future I will never have because I am taking away the minutes.
I pretend not to hear the tapping at my door. Enzo, being helpful when the last thing I want him to be is here. Witnessing the first stages of my demise. The water runs cold too quickly, and I wrap every clean towel around my body.
My hands grip the blankets, and I pull them to the floor to lay on the heavenly smell of bleach. It isn’t an hour later when I hear a tapping above my headboard. I don’t respond, but I know Enzo is waiting for the slightest tap to communicate.
The walls are thin as he begins to speak.
“Mama misses you. She always asks about you, where you are, what adventure you are on.” Enzo’s voice is happy as he speaks of his mother.
I miss the woman who hugged me like I was her daughter, like one day I might be worthy of being her daughter-in-law. Kumiko didn’t care I wasn’t full-blooded anything. I think she loved me because she saw what every mother sees in their child.
“My sister got married; my father refused to walk her down the aisle until two weeks before the wedding. As we got older, I always thought he would be nicer, find some kindness. But I think he has held onto being so strict that he doesn’t know how to be anything else.” Enzo taps again, trying to get me to repeat the sound.
