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The bag of pills is in my backpack. I reach for them and listen to them rattle against each other. I go into the bathroom and lock the door.
It’s better this way; the low voice in my head reminds me.
I pour the pills out into my palm, sit on the toilet, and toss them back into my mouth. I swallow as many as possible with my saliva, then chomp the others like chalky candy.
The shower’s heat beckons me, and I accept the offer. I take off my bottoms and sit on the bottom of the tub. Letting the water rain down on me.
There are only a few tears I shed for myself. I hope I don’t let anyone down, and I think Enzo will finally be free of me.
I lean my head back, and I close my eyes, just for a little bit; I promise, it won’t hurt or be drawn out. The others won’t miss us long, it will be only momentary pain, I promise myself. We’ll go to sleep and wake up somewhere new.
They will be okay, Rachelle, Enzo. They’ve always been okay without me. I nod this to myself. I feel the tiredness start to come. I don’t fight it for long, but I hold on as best as possible. A small particle of hope, thinking it might not work.
But then there is a noise outside my door. I don’t know who it is because my eyes go blurry, and my heart slows down. I am finally putting down the armor to continue my battle with depression. I remind myself that the shield wasn’t strong enough; it’s okay.
I whisper I’m sorry, but I know I am saying it to myself more than Enzo. In those last few seconds of consciousness, I forgive myself.
I can hear his voice, even from here. Outside of my body, there is a loud banging. But I don’t respond because I can’t anymore. The water stops hitting my body, and I am glad my body no longer feels the emotional pain.
“Phoebe? Oh my God, Phoebe? No, no, please!” Enzo lifts my limp limbs; he cradles me, shaking me to awaken. “Did you take something? Baby, please, don’t leave me.” I can feel his fingertips as he looks over my body for blood and open wounds. But he doesn’t find any.
He opens my mouth and sticks his long fingers down my throat. I don’t respond. “For the love of God, don’t do this to me. Don’t make me chase you into another lifetime because I will, Phoebe.” Enzo tries again to force his fingers down farther, and it works.
I am choking, my eyes open, and I am gagging up the rest of the undigested pills from my stomach. The smell of stomach acid rises to the surface and hits my nose first. I cough again and again until it all comes out.
Enzo holds me, vomit scattered on my body.
“You’re alive, baby. You’re alive,” Enzo’s eyes are red, and crying.
“I’m alive.” It feels weird to say it, but I think it.
“Only remember this, Phoebe. Remember the good echoes of us.” My ear pressed against his chest, and his heart's rhythm bounced back to me. “Remember us, Phoebe. Please don’t lose our lifetime based on bad ripples.” Enzo restricts my body as I whimper out in tears.
I don’t know who is crying and who is holding us up. Our tears tangled within each other's misery.
“Don’t give up, Phoebe. I love you. I love you. I love you.” His voice is shouting, the sound making him believe it more, empowering him with determination.
“Fight for us, fight for me, fight for you. Just fight for another minute of fresh air and long Sunday drives. Fight for the seconds no one can steal away. Fight like tomorrow may be the greatest day of our lives and all we have to do is show up. We have to be patient; we have to wait for it. Don’t lose hope. This is all we have to offer. Please, don’t go believing the voice inside your head telling you that you are better off going.”
I lift my head and look into his eyes.
“Find me in the trees, where the river combs the mountains, where climbers test their faith.” Enzo is desperate for me to continue, give him any silver lining. “Where is it, Phoebe? Where will we be?”
“In Yellowstone, Grand Canyons, Yosemite, the Rocky Mountains, Zion, Acadia, Joshua Tree, Shenandoah, Haleakala, The Badlands, The Everglades, Mesa Verde, Crater Lake, Great Sand Dunes, Big Bend, Kenai Fjords.” My hand goes up to caress his face, emotions destroyed; I hold him as best as possible. Love him with everything I am. “Sequoia, Shenandoah, Theodore Roosevelt, Virgin Islands, Voyageurs, White Sands, Wind Cave, Wrangell-St. Elias, Yellowstone, Yosemite, Zion.”
“That’s it, Phoebe, that’s it, we’ll see them all. We’ll go and find it in the National Parks. We’ll get lost, sad, mad, angry, blissful; we will be ruined by the ritual of nature’s healing. We are not this world’s prisoners, but it’s patients.” The tears are running over his face; even destroyed he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen.
“How did you get so handsome?” He laughs at my comment.
“Must have been from looking at you for so many years.” I see his white teeth as his mouth pulls back to smile. “Now you will apologize, say you are fucking sorry for trying to remove your gorgeous, precious, holy soul from this earth.”
I try to stop him, but Enzo’s words aren’t quitting. They need to be shared, and I need to hear them.
“You are going to promise not to do anything so reckless. I will get down on my knees and beg you, plead with you, and worship you in ways only a true lover would. Because I understand what it feels like to hold your breath, and you hope it is your last. Remember the good echoes, Phoebe? Remember that the echo of my heart is always yours. And the sound of mine is a beating pulse matching yours.”
I remember them, Enzo. I remember all of them.
“I need you, I want you, and fuck, I know you don’t need me. Pretend you need me, pretend you’ve been waiting for me to make up for years what I couldn’t give to you, to us. But damn it, could you pretend until after I die.”
