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The doctor comes back with a few pills, and I swallow them and chug the water. I lay back on the bed and ignore the noises and voices. I escaped a public physical death. But now I have been condemned to a moral one in private, mourning the previous version of a guy I used to be.
Alaska is a few rooms away, and I can’t stop rubbing my fingers together, remembering how hot her skin was against mine. Even worse, I want to touch her, cuddle up next to her, and ask her to take away this pain with forgiveness.
Because guilt isn’t my thing, the heavy burden makes it hard to breathe.
Chapter 1
Alyeska
Doyouknowthosepathetic dream boards you make with images you want to come true? Well, in middle school, I had the biggest crush on Aladden Lorenzo. I put his smug ass face on there and was cursed with hearts in my eyes.
Too bad junior high came around and that fucker turned into an epic bastard with a capital B branded on his sweet ass. It was also the first year he ever broke a state record; he was only fifteen at the time, and I was still wearing cartoon t-shirts.
But damn, we hit high school, and the dude had a book deal, a documentary, and had been interviewed on every morning show in the country. When he was seventeen, he saved four kids from a burning classroom at the local elementary school.
To be fair, a garbage can was on fire, and totally contained. Any janitor in the district could have dumped mop water on it and done the same thing. But when the world already thinks you are a hero, any tiny act of goodness gets exploited to the highest degree.
I guess that made people like him lucky, and people like me severally unfortunate.
Sure, I heard after my accident he was the one to save us. Well, save me. My mother was a goner. It was incredible and ridiculous all at the same time. This fucker could do no wrong and I hated him for it. Hated him for seeing the frail shape my mom died in, repulsed the way he got honored from my tragedy.
It made me feel inferior, weak even.
Lad was milking this world for everything they would give him, and they did give him anything he wanted.
A full-ride scholarship to college, national sponsors, free swag from all the major sporting brands, and a bonus of being wanted in all kinds of ways.
I’m not blind, the fucker has looks.
Maybe that’s why I did what I did on graduation night. I don’t remember driving too fast or hitting Lad’s truck. Everything the cops told me made me confused, it didn’t make sense, but there weren’t memories to back up my claims.
So when they agreed to drop the charges of drunk driving down to probation if I went to a rehabilitation facility, I agreed. My bum leg needed a rest, and I guess six months in intensive care and physical therapy didn’t sound too bad. Plus another six months going to group therapy to cure me of drinking alcohol ever again, and getting some much needed space from this world couldn’t hurt.
Maybe it would even help me erase the face of my dead mother from my nightmares. The only family I held onto now was a cousin who lived an hour away; she had a boyfriend and two kids.
But I didn’t want to weigh her down, so I took the deal, even if we both knew it wasn’t the truth. Because the truth these days is hard to figure out when you don’t have all the details.
Lad and I are partners in our anthropology class. I don’t know what his major is, but he is a year ahead of me and pretends I am a chlorine burn on his precious skin. Most of my graduating year are starting sophomores, but I had to take a detour and reconfigure things. Yet, I am still here, even if it is a year late and a few more marks on my criminal record than I am comfortable with. But can’t change the past now.
He told me to meet him in the library at ten. Lad has morning practices; I know this mainly because I hear him complain about them to the teacher every morning during class.
“Are you serious with this shit?” Long gone is the people-pleasing girl, and when I woke up in the hospital, I knew even if I looked the same I was changed completely.
Lad is not discreet in any situation, including getting his dick sucked next to our study table.
“Oh.”
“My.”
“God.” His words and mine match up perfectly for once, though for different reasons.
In the back of the library, in broad daylight a woman is willingly on her knees sucking Lad’s cock.
“Sorry, this is my only free time and I’m stressed out. Give us a minute to finish up.” Lad’s brown eyes find me through his sexual haze. “Unless you want to join.” The asshole winks at me while he has another woman’s mouth on his flagpole of flesh.
“Oh, thank you for the offer, but sadly, I only mess around with guys who have dicks bigger than my pinky. Personal standards, you understand, right?” I lift my backpack on the table and unzip to grab my notebook and textbook.
Lad snorts and goes back to business.
