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She knocked, and when there was no response, she knocked again. “It’s Jayla,” she said. “Can I come in?”
She took the muffled response as an affirmative, so she steadied her nerves and entered the room. “I have something I need to tell you,” she began.
But when Madeleine turned to look at her, Jayla knew her mission was unnecessary. Madeleine already knew.
Chapter Twenty-four:
Madeleine
Madeleine was almost grateful for the headache, because it gave her a reason to not leave the house. It forced her to stay inside, to think hard about the sudden dramatic acceleration of her life and how she really felt about that. It gave her time to breathe.
But her head hurt too much for her to think clearly, so all she actually did was sit in the window seat, watch the cars wind by on the gridway, and mope. She did wash her face and comb her hair and put on her plainest gown, because who knew when she might have to run outside in the middle of a quake, but the mirror showed her such a wan, bruised countenance that she hoped she wouldn’t have to see another living soul. The maid brought her a lunch tray, but she barely bothered to eat. A couple of times she got up and paced, but that made her headache worse, so she sat down again and leaned against the window casement. And tried again to think.
She would be marrying Tivol in a month. She should be happy and excited, full of longing and excitement. Instead, she was anxious and uneasy, full of worry and despair.
Of course she knew the reason. But that only made things worse.
If she wanted to marry Reese instead, she couldn’t. Or even if she could, she didn’t want to. She wasn’t sure; she wasn’t able to think it through. He infuriated her and he unsettled her and he had no right to tell her he loved her, but when he was gone for more than a few days at a time she missed him so much it was like his absence carved a physical hole in her body. At times she thought she might put a hand to her heart and find that her fingers sank all the way through her hollow ribcage and out past her spine. She couldn’t even put into words what it was that she missed about him, what she might say to him if he was standing right beside her. There was simply this ceaseless echo inside her head that went knocking through her empty bones.Reese. Reese. Reese. She didn’t remember ever having Tivol’s name reverberate through her body like that.
There had been this—connection—between them last year. An unexpected flare of warmth she experienced whenever he stepped into the room. A sense of dizziness when they danced together. An unspoken but powerful emotion one afternoon when they strolled through a temple garden for more than an hour, saying almost nothing, occasionally glancing at each other, then looking quickly away. She had not examined her feelings too closely at the time, hadn’t questioned those little spikes of happiness. They’d always been friends, in the loose, easy way people of their class were friends. She didn’t want any more, expect any more. Didn’t think about it.
Reese had ruined everything by declaring he loved her and asking her to marry him. She had been utterly shocked—because it hadn’t occurred to her to put a name to the emotion, to consider a course of action that would permit it. Because he had made her examine her heart and then forced her to make a choice based on actual knowledge, not self-deluded innocence. Because he had made her hurt him.
She had told herself that she wasn’t just as hurt.
It hadn’t been that difficult, a year ago, to resume her old life and remember that she had always loved Tivol. She hadn’t thought Tivol was even aware of the sad little romance, though every once in a while he said something pointed and sarcastic about Reese that made her wonder if he had noticed more than she realized. But everything soon seemed back to normal. She was even able to have light, impersonal conversations with Reese when they were both at some social event together. It helped that he was so rarely in town.
But everything had changed that day a few weeks ago, and she didn’t know why. Maybe because Reese had stopped pretending that he didn’t care. Maybe because her life had been threatened and Reese was the first one who seemed to think that the risk was real—and that her life was precious. Maybe because she had let her guard down.
Maybe because she had stopped loving Tivol.
Oh, but that wasn’t true. She had always loved him. She still loved him.
Well, it didn’t matter if she loved him. She was going to marry him. Plenty of people made good marriages based on nothing more than a shared sense of duty and a baseline amiability. She and Tivol had always beenfriends,that was the important part. She was comfortable with Tivol. Reese made her nervous.
Reese made her feel like her veins ran with molten silver and her ribs formed a cage for fluttering songbirds.
Those didn’t seem like good reasons for marryinganybody.
She shut her eyes. If she married Tivol, she wouldn’t have to keep worrying about Reese. She would be launched on her new life. She would be a happy bride. Her mind wouldn’t keep circling and whimpering in this unpleasant way. Everything would be settled. Everything would be clear. That’s what she wanted. She would marry Tivol.
It didn’t help that her eyes were closed. The tears leaked out anyway.
She hadn’t managed to sort anything out by early afternoon, when there was a tentative knock. “There’s a visitor,” Ella called through the closed door.
Madeleine jerked upright and came to her feet, smoothing down her skirt, then running her fingers under her eyes to make sure they were dry. She must look disastrous. “I don’t think I’m well enough to see company,” she called back. “Who is it?”
There was a small commotion outside—footsteps, a surprised gasp from the maid, and then a man’s voice. “It’s Reese. Let me in. I have to talk to you.”
Madeleine had to bite back her own exclamation of surprise. She could feel her cool face flush with heat. “Reese! No! You can’t come in.”
“It’s important. It’s about—it’s not about—let me in.”
She was seized with sudden terror. What dreadful news had Reese been authorized to deliver? “What is it?”
“I have to talk to you,” he said. He tried the door, which of course she hadn’t locked, so he came right inside. “It’s important,” he repeated.
Ella was peering in, looking frightened and just the tiniest bit intrigued. “Should I fetch the footmen?” she asked anxiously.
