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“Then what did you want to talk about?”
“I was curious. And before you ask, no, I’m not asking for any reason. I just see the way you are with Astrid and the guys. You’re happy,” she sighed, but in a good way. “Really happy. I’ve never seen you like this before. I guess I was curious if you thought it was the people specifically in your relationship or the dynamic itself? Because most guys don’t want to share their girlfriend, right?”
I blinked. Of everything she could have asked, this wasn’t anywhere on my radar. When she’d first moved in full time with me she’d made a lot of snarky comments, but she’d never actually wanted to have a real conversation about it. I was both overjoyed she was open minded and uncomfortable she might suspect I was having group sex. I was, it was just weird for her to know that.
“I am happy.” I smiled. “If it wasn’t for all of us guys meeting Astrid at the same time, or the fact that I genuinely wanted to see them happy as much as Astrid, I don’t think this would have worked. If Astrid broke up with me tomorrow, I don’t think I would run out and look for another multi person relationship like this. So short story long, I think it’s the people.”
She nodded.
“Why did you really ask?”
Her gaze shot up to mine. “What do you mean?”
“Come on Trinity, you’re being strange. Stranger than usual.” I smirked, because at the end of the day, she was still my kid sister. “You’re curious because I’m happy?” I gave her a look that said I didn’t believe that for a second.
“Okay, there’s more. But not in the way you think. You are happy. I’m curious because you’ve reached this level of happiness that always seemed so far away for us. Especially when Dad was around.” She gulped.
I wanted to ask if anything bad ever happened to her there, but I didn’t think she’d tell me. Not yet. But I’d do everything in my power to keep these kinds of conversations on the table so someday she might.
“I guess, I want my own happiness too. I’m not unhappy now, you know? There’s a lot to be thankful for, but with the court date coming up in two weeks, the only thing I’m feeling is stagnant. Like I’m stuck in this vat of clay, and I can’t get out.”
I smiled. “A vat of clay. How very artsy of you.” She gave me a deadpanned look. “I know, I know. You’ll find your own happiness, but no one is going to hand it to you. You need to be happy with yourself first, kid. Other people can’t make you feel good about yourself. It’s only a band-aid at that point, and if the relationship turns sour, you’re right back where you left off. Maybe even in a worse position, depending on how much you counted on that person. You want my advice?” I waited for her go ahead. Unsolicited advice was the worst, and that I was her only parental figure right now too? I could be the last person she’d want to hear this stuff from.
Trinity nodded.
“Find yourself. Study what you want to study. Pursue your hobbies, your passions. Build yourself up before you try a relationship on for size. And pick the right people to surround yourself with.” I tried to gentle the last bit as much as I could.
She lowered her gaze to the table. “I know all that, right? Like, that all makes sense. It’s just harder to put into practice.”
“Just…make an effort. The more you try, the more natural it will be, until you’ve completely changed yourself and your outlook on life.” I stood and walked around the table to drop a kiss on top of her head. “I love you, Trinity. I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. I want you to succeed and I want you to find your own happiness too. But you know what else? I believe in you.”
I started down the hallway.
There were so many errands left to do. I had officially ended my TA role with the professor. I had to do a couple things for graduation this weekend. Then I wanted to swing by and see Astrid at school. We’d kept up tutoring even past the final art show.
Some of it was bullshit since she didn’t need tutoring for the project, especially after she decided to use the same exhibit. Then again, that hour a couple times a week were some of my favorite moments with Astrid. We talked about art, painting, photography. I critiqued some of her work and gave suggestions on others. It was just a different vibe when we were in art mode.
The front door closed, and I was left alone in the apartment. I hadn't mentioned it to Trinity, but I was worried about her court date too. There wasn’t anything I could do about it now though, so I just focused on what I needed to do today instead.
* * *
“The lighting is a little off on that picture.” I peeked over Astrid’s shoulder where we were sitting on the grass. It was a beautiful day, sunny weather. And by now, I was used to Astrid wearing that big floppy hat to avoid getting a sunburn.
It was adorable. Even when she frowned at me like she was doing right now.
“I don’t understand what you mean. I enhanced the natural light source already. There’s no other way to change the light. If I increase it too much, it will kill the shadows, changing the integrity of the shot,” she grumbled.
Pressing my mouth against her shoulder, I hid my grin. It was a miracle I could even fit under the brim with her.
“I think it’s the shot. It’s not your best. But that one—” I touched the home screen and tapped on a different picture. This one was of a girl around my age staring up at a neon sign. Astrid had taken it when we were in Ann Arbor one night. People were passing around her, and it had just rained, leaving the light to glisten on the road between Astrid and the subject. It was a powerful shot. The viewer could either see it as hopeful or desperate, depending on their own outlook. “This one barely needs any editing at all. Look at the way her face is turned up and you can barely make out her expression because you can only see a small portion of her profile. But the red light from the sign highlights the way her hair isn’t perfectly brushed. It actually looks clumpy, like she had been caught in the recent rain. Her clothes aren’t perfect and wrinkle free either. The light in this shot is a whole mood.”
She sighed and leaned back against my side. “I see what you’re saying. When I took that shot, the girl had just seemed so lonely. I wondered if she was a college student or working and struggling to pay the bills. I’m glad some of that came through in the picture.”
“See, I know what I’m talking about sometimes.” I straightened back up, extracting myself from under the hat. Crossing my legs, I tipped my face up to the sun and cupped Astrid’s hip with my hand.
This was probably my last day coming to the school since I was going to be an official college graduate after this weekend. Then Astrid only had a little more time left here. I’d have to find times to steal her away so we could bask in the sunlight. These moments were too special for me to lose.
“What are you going to do after you graduate? Have you thought about it?” She twisted to look at me through her dark shaded sunglasses. “You know, I always ask the guys because they seem like they could use the focus and reflection to figure out what they want. You always seemed like you had everything together, so I never asked you what your plans were after graduation.”
