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“Can I go now?”
“One last thing. Even though I just gave you a rather lengthy piece of my mind, I don’t care about your career. I do care about Laurel, though, and you as a person. You had something good going with her, and if you think she was okay about it ending, think again. Laurel can take a lot, but there’s one thing she will never shrug off.” He gives me a meaningful look.
He doesn’t need to. I know what that thing is. “I told her I couldn’t be with her because she’s a Halifax.” Because of the one thing that makes Laurel feel like she’s imprisoned.
Dummy.
“Even then, I believe you could still fix it. If Laurel didn’t care about you, she would’ve told us about your breakup. She wouldn’t hesitate to complain how her name ruins everything. She’s done it with all the others before you. She must love you even though you did the worst thing you could’ve done to her.”
I begged her to ask me to stay. I wanted to stay! I wanted her to grab me and hold me and call me an idiot. Why didn’t she?
Because I have my pride, and so does Laurel. She’s been hurt enough. And no matter what I did or said, I still told her that she was in the way.
Deflated and numb, I sit on the edge of the wrought-iron table. I rejected Laurel because of something she can’t change about herself without going to great, traumatic lengths—her name and her family. She will never forgive me.
“Don’t give up now,” Vincent says, reluctantly encouraging. “I know you have it in you to make things right. We all get lost sometimes.”
Jonas steps out of their car and points at his watch.
Vincent nods. “I’ll see you around, Jace.”
It sounds like an order.
Track 34
Overcome and Conquer
Jace
Vincent leaves, but his words swirl in my head. I’m the biggest screw-up in the world. The proudest, most pathetic one of them all. Looking back on my past, I can’t explain even to myself what my life’s been about. Revenge? What would happen if I got it? Would I continue verbally abusing Shane and mock him like I used to? The only reason I dialed that down was because of Juliette, and I’m beginning to see my actions for what they were—insecurity, jealousy, and buried helplessness. I must’ve known deep inside that I could never beat Project Viper, and I do wish I had been one of them, but it’s never going to happen.
I have to let go. Like I did with Juliette.
Right now.
Before it is too late.
I run to my car and drive over to Jelly’s. I want to talk to her first because she’s the one who sacrificed the most for our band. And because she always knows what to say when the rest of us are in the ditch on the side of the road.
It’s ten in the morning. By Jelly’s standards it’s too early. She opens the door still in her pajamas, her short blonde hair sticking out in all directions from a scraggly ponytail.
“What’s the emergency?” she snarls, leading me into her living room.
I sit on the floor next to her couch, which is covered in rumpled blankets and cushions. Her black cat is curled up into a full cinnamon roll amid the textile chaos, his middle lifting ever so slightly with tiny kitten breaths. “I’m sorry.”
She rubs her eyes. “You could’ve at least brought some breakfast.”
Dang. I left the baked goods back on the table by the coffee shop. I start laughing at myself. I forgot the cookies, and I dropped half of a croissant on the floor. At least I still have my head with me.
“I let you down. I let us all down. I’ve ruined the band. You dropped out of Juilliard for us, and…” The laughter dies as tears burn my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Jelly sits on the couch behind me and pats my disgusting hair. “Did you get hit in the head again? You’re acting human.”
I bring my knees to my chest, rest my arms on top of them, and hide my face. “I don’t know how to fix anything. I don’t think I can.” My lungs constrict with years of pent up emotions. I struggle to breathe while my reality crumbles apart. “Everything I’ve ever done was wrong. I’ve only ever thought of myself even when I thought I did what’s best for everyone, and now what?” I look up at Jelly. “No. No, don’t give me any answers. I’ll—” I’ll do it by myself again and listen to no one?
“I don’t have any answers for you, Jace.” She pats my head once more. “But I do have bacon in the freezer, and I always have biscuits and tea.”
I bury my face in my arms again, unworthiness shredding my heart to molecules. Jelly knows I suck when it comes to revealing I’m in a bind, especially if I’ve done something careless or selfish, but she shows me kindness anyway. Every single time. In a way that makes it clear she understands I’m feeling rotten, accepts my useless apologies, and allows me to retain an ounce of dignity.
