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I wanted to say no. The pain was too fresh with Jarrod, and somehow just the thought of dressing up and putting on a fake smile during my favorite holiday to go out with Clark struck me as exhausting.
I couldn’t say that, though. Again, the ease of the relationship made me respond. “Yeah, sure.”
Clark nodded, then glanced at his phone when it made a noise. “Well, I need to get going. I’ve still got some work to do tonight for a trial tomorrow. Send me a message when you get home, okay? And don’t stay out too late.”
“Sure.”
He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, but the touch had all the passion of a dental appointment. The kiss was quick and chaste, and he headed back to the parking lot afterward. The warmth of his lips didn’t linger, didn’t make me want to touch the spot and remember.
It was always like that, though. That was probably why we’d never gone any further than those quick, innocent kisses. Even after a year, we’d never moved beyond that, and the fact it didn’t bother me spoke volumes, didn’t it?
The idea of going further, of having Clark’s hands on me, inspired nothing inside me. It didn’t make me feel ill, but neither did it make me hungry. So, like everything else, we’d just stay in that stagnant place we’d started in. It was comfortable and safe and easy.
I exhaled and paused across from a Joshua tree that had red lights strung over it. I’d thought the walk might ease my heart, that it might clear my mind, but I’d ended up as twisted as I’d started. Nothing made sense, nothing felt resolved.
Jarrod had thrown me away, and each day that passed told me he’d been serious. I tried to picture a life going forward, one where Jarrod was no part of it. We hadn’t spent a ton of time together, but I’d always known he was out there. I’d always known he might show up at any time, and that had been a bright point for me.
Now? Now I had nothing like that to look forward to.
My spiraling thoughts stopped when something wrapped around my mouth, a cloth with the strong scent of an almost sweet chemical overwhelming me.
I panicked, the reaction automatic when I struggled to breathe fresh air in. I twisted my head to the side, causing the person to lose their grip. When I bolted forward, ready to escape despite how my head spun, something grabbed the back of my shirt and yanked me backward. I tipped to the side and hit the bench, my eyes tearing up from the impact on my nose.
The world faded around me as that chemical smell filled me, making my mind cloudy and sluggish. The twinkling Christmas reds and greens over, until all I could see was the light turning on and off, until there were no sharp lines.
Despite the fact that I’d just seen Clark, it wasn’t him I thought about. As I passed out, it was Jarrod whose face came to me.
I wished I could have seen him one more time…
