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“You’re hungry, aren’t you?”she signed.
I swallowed down my immediate reaction of telling her no. I didn’t care for discussing this, but I disliked the idea of lying to her even more. So I nodded, admitting the ugly truth to her.
She sighed, her shoulders dropping. It didn’t take any powers to know exactly what went through her head. She wanted to help me, to let me feed from her, but the thought terrified me.
However, even I couldn’t deny the urge strengthening. It wasn’tjustdirectionless hunger, either. It was as if the idea of feeding from her specifically interested me. My incubus had started to take note of her, had started to crave her. Maybe because I’d denied it, because I’d kept it away from her, it craved her more?
“I can’t,” I said softly.
She let out a long sigh, then dropped her gaze to the table. The longing on her face drew me closer, made me want to wipe it away, to give her whatever she wanted just to see that smile of hers again.
Or, perhaps that was just a way to make my actions feel altruistic, to make my desires into something about her rather than about what I wanted. I cupped the back of her neck and pulled her in, kissing her soft, warm lips as deeply as I dared.
She tangled her fingers into my shirt, using the grip to draw me closer. I knew her aggressiveness was a sign of her own desire, of the moment catching her in the same current that held me.
So I gave in, at least a little. I tilted my head, sliding my tongue along the seam of her lips until she parted for me, until she let me in. When she did, I forced her neck to arch, so I could take her as deeply as I wanted, my thumb on her jaw to hold her still. She tasted of passion and music, like some symphony I could listen to all night and never tire of.
Every touch made me crave more, though. It pushed me closer and closer to the edge of my control, to the place where I feared my ability to pull back.
At least until my incubus surged forward, until my aggressiveness made me yank away. Was I changing? Becoming what she wanted? That had to be why I wanted her this badly, why I felt so out of control, why I wanted to lie her down and mark every last inch of her.
Hera stared at me, worry on her features. That only made me feel worse, the way she looked at me as if afraid she’d done something wrong, as if an apology perched on her lips that she couldn’t utter.
It wasn’t her, damn it, but she kept trying to take the blame for it.
I rubbed my hands over my head, frustration coloring each movement. “It’s not you,” I said, even if I knew she wouldn’t believe it. “I just can’t do this.”
“You can’t just starve yourself.”
“No, I can’t.” I didn’t sugarcoat it, staring at her, waiting for her to come to terms with the reality.
And when she dropped her gaze again, when the pain raced across her delicate features, I knew she’d figured out my meaning.
I’d have to feed from others. It didn’t matter how much I loved her, how much I hated being with anyone else, I couldn’t sleep with her unless Wade put my other side to sleep. That meant my incubus would keep starving, and eventually, that would endanger her.
“Why?”she signed, her hands trembling.
I swallowed hard and sat beside her, taking her hand in mine, needing the touch of her skin to give me the bravery to answer. “I change when I’m with someone. You felt it, didn’t you? The way I was rougher, more aggressive. I don’t want to be anyone else, to turn into something else. I don’t want that between us.”
I let out a long breath then squeezed her hand tighter. “You matter to me, but I don’t have a choice in feeding. I can swear it won’t change how I feel about you. It won’t have anything to do with what we have.”
Even saying that made me want to scream. It was cowardly and felt like slashing at her to make myself feel better.
She met my gaze, and the strength in those hazel eyes of hers made me glad I wasn’t facing off against her as an enemy. The girl had shown her backbone more than once, and I was thankful I hadn’t been on the receiving end of it. She extracted her hand from mine to sign a response.“What if that’s just who you are? How do you know you don’t just feel that way?”
Her question caught me off guard, but I couldn’t accept it. I shook my head. “I always change. I’m not blaming you—you aren’t doing anything wrong. You just want what you want and I’m helpless but become that.”
She puffed her cheeks out then blew the breath out slowly.“I don’t want anything except what you are, Knox. I’m not in a position to tell you not to be with anyone else. I won’t push you or try to force you, but I will say that I’m not asking you to hold back. I know you and I trust you—every part of you, which includes your incubus. I mean, if I can tolerate Brax when he becomes his berserker, and can allow Wade to render me powerless, do you really think your other side is any more terrifying?”
When she said it like that, I understood her point.
Still, I reached for her, wanting her to understand. “It’sneverbeen that I’m afraid you’ll reject me. I just reject myself. I’m afraid of myself, of being someone other than who I am with you. I’ve never cared about someone like this, never wanted them just because I wanted them, and I’m sure it makes me a coward, but I don’t want any of that to change. It isn’t you I’m worried about not being strong enough—it’s me.”
Just as my hand came to rest over hers, she pulled away, her warmth slipping away.“You know, it wasn’t until I changed into a siren that I realized how afraid I really was before. I thought I was brave, but I wasn’t. I avoided everything uncomfortable or scary, and I realize now how much I missed out on. In fact, I never said what I wanted to say. I kept quiet because I didn’t want to cause problems, because I was afraid of what might happen if I spoke my mind, and it wasn’t until I lost the ability to speak at all that I realized how stupid it was. I hope you can learn to be brave before you figure out that lesson the same way I did.”
She shook her head and walked out, leaving me alone in the room, her words ringing in my ears.
Even if she was right, I didn’t think that I was brave enough to actually follow through.
