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“Even if they were caught later, I can tell you that having someone willing to help, having someone look at me like I’m not a monster, that makes a difference.”
Moa blinked slowly, then glanced up at the ceiling as if to stop herself from crying.
I gave her privacy by turning my gaze to Aaron to take the attention off her. “So, journalism, huh? I can’t imagine your dad was happy when you told him.”
I pictured Aaron’s dad, the stern-looking man who rarely smiled at me when I’d come over.
Aaron shrugged. “He wasn’t happy at first, but he got over it pretty fast. He told me that he wanted me happy, and if I really thought journalism would make me happy, he’d support me.”
I tried to picture my own parents reacting to me in such a way, but I couldn’t. They weren’t the type to accept something they didn’t like. In fact, they’d left me in hell just so I didn’t risk denting their precious reputation.
“I’m glad he accepted it,”I wrote, trying to ignore the pain.
Moa glanced between us, then stood. “I better get some sleep. Tomorrow’s going to get here early, and I haven’t had enough respect for mornings lately.” She excused herself quickly, leaving me and Aaron alone.
Somehow, it was both less and more awkward than the last time. Maybe it was because I’d had time to calm down, to prepare myself to deal with him. We had a better feeling of where we were, but that didn’t erase the years we’d had together.
“I really did love you,” Aaron whispered. “You said I didn’t, and maybe I didn’t love you the way you wanted, but I did love you.”
“I know,”I answered even if it wasn’t a question. “I loved you, too.”
He snorted softly. “No, you didn’t. Don’t look at me like that. It isn’t an attack. At first, when I saw you with those men, I didn’t understand. Sure, it was my own fault that you didn’t wait for me—I didn’t wait for you—but that didn’t change that it hurt me. I looked at you and I didn’t understand why you never looked at me like you look at them.”
I sighed because I couldn’t deny it. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t stop myself from admitting he was right. I hadn’t felt about him the way I should have, the way I tried to.
Or, hell, maybe I hadn’t ever tried hard enough.
“I’m not judging you, Hera. Life happened the way it happened. I like to think sometimes that it could have been different, that if you hadn’t changed, if you hadn’t gotten taken away, maybe we would have grown together, you know? Maybe we could have found what everyone else thought we could have.”
“No, we wouldn’t have,”I wrote. “I think sometimes people work or they don’t, and you and me? We didn’t work.”
Aaron lifted one of his eyebrows, no doubt thrown by my argument. I’d never been the type to argue with him. Normally, I’d given in, accepting his choices, playing the part everyone expected me to. I wasn’t that same girl anymore, though. “Why not? What was wrong with me that you don’t think we could have fallen in love for real?”
I thought about it, then answered, writing slowly. “Because you never saw me. It wasn’t your fault—I never saw myself. I didn’t know who I was, so how could we ever be close or honest if we were both hiding?”
He read the words over slowly then let out a soft laugh. “You know, you’ve gotten pretty smart over the last year. I can’t say I fully understand, but don’t get me wrong—I don’t have any hard feelings. I pushed you away, I made my mistakes, and I take the blame for what happened. I still think we would have been happy, that I could have been a man you could have loved, but I screwed it up. I’ll still do whatever it takes to help you, to do the right thing now.”
He pushed himself up and out of his chair. “I should get some sleep, too. Tomorrow’s going to get here early, and I don’t know how much sleep we’ll be getting pretty soon.” He went to pass me, to head toward the bedroom he’d taken.
I grasped his wrist, pulling him to a stop. He peered down into my eyes, and the familiarity of the moment hit me hard.
I didn’t love him, but that didn’t erase our bond. It didn’t erase the years we’d spent together. Time and circumstance changed things, but that didn’t mean I could just forget everything and pretend it hadn’t happened.
He gave me a kind smile, one that reminded me of when we’d been younger, before the problems of dating and romance had colored our relationship, when we’d just been friends. “You should sleep soon, too. I have a feel that you’re going to have the hardest time of any of us.” He twisted his arm so he could clasp his hand around mine and squeeze reassuringly.
So I let him go and took a moment there, in the living room alone, to sip my hot chocolate and think about what was coming. My entire life collided together. My past, my present, my future, it all sat around me to keep me company.
I didn’t know what would happen, didn’t know if success was even possible, but I knew we had to try.
We would lose plenty if we fought, but if we turned around and ran, we’d lose everything.
And I had far too much that mattered to me now to let it go.
* * * *
The cool breeze moved my hair, making it tease the nape of my neck as I waited.
It was time. I’ve given the men their choice, had left them to it, and now I had to simply wait and see.
