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‘You’ve got a bloody funny way of showing it, if you don’t mind me saying. So, what was in it for her? I can’t believe she doesn’t have some sort of feelings for you. Women generally need a bit of an emotional connection before they can be persuaded to rip off their knickers. So what was it?’
‘Okay, fine,’ he sighs. ‘If you really want to know, I’ll tell you. But don’t blame me if you don’t like it.’
‘I haven’t liked anything you’ve said since I got home, but I need to know everything. If you can’t be honest with me now, then we really don’t stand a chance.’
‘Becky and I have known each other since she was tiny. I was best friends at school with her older brother, Martin. She was always there when I went round to his house, and Martin told me once that she had the biggest crush on me. It was funny, because she was only about five and I was way older than her. She used to send me cards on Valentine’s Day, and I would always send one back so as not to hurt her feelings. It all stopped when I went away to university, and then of course I met you and fell in love. When her job application landed on my desk, I honestly hadn’t thought about her for years.’
‘But you were curious.’
‘Of course I was. I decided to interview her, just so I could see how she’d turned out. I never meant to hire her, but it turned out that she was better qualified for the job than any of the other applicants.’
‘What happened then?’
‘Nothing. She started work, she was very good, and I was pleased. But, as things got more strained between you and me, I found myself looking for reasons to be out of the house, and she’s good company. I started to feel attracted to her, but I knew she was off limits, so I reckoned I could handle it.’
‘Delusional. What tipped you over the edge?’
‘We were reminiscing and talking about the cards we used to send. She admitted she still had a crush on me and then, before I knew it, we were kissing.’
‘And you didn’t feel any guilt about that?’
‘God, yes! I was consumed with guilt, and I was convinced you would somehow see it in my face and know. But then, when I realised that you didn’t see, it just became easier somehow.’
‘When did it become more than kissing?’
He sighs. ‘Straight away, if I’m honest. It sounds stupid, but we just got carried away the first time. I felt dreadful afterwards, and I told Becky it could never happen again. She agreed, and we decided to avoid being alone with each other going forwards.’
‘What changed?’
‘I couldn’t stop thinking about it. When it became obvious that we’d got away with it and you didn’t suspect anything, the temptation to do it again just got stronger and stronger. In the end, I couldn’t resist. To begin with, we’d each promise that every time was the last time and we’d stop, but we never did, and I started to justify it in my head by saying that we weren’t really doing any harm, as long as you didn’t know. I never wanted to hurt you, I promise.’
I don’t think I can hear any more. The exhaustion I felt earlier has returned and even the tears have stopped; I just don’t have the energy to generate them.
‘Enough.’ I say to him. ‘I’m going to bed now. We’ll talk more tomorrow.’
‘I understand,’ he replies. ‘Just one question?’
I raise my eyes to him, giving consent.
‘Do you think we can fix this?’ he asks.
‘I honestly have no idea. Do you want to fix it?’
‘I’ll do anything I can. I love you and I feel terrible for hurting you.’
‘I guess that’s a start. I’d prefer it if you slept in the spare room for now, though.’ I tell him, and drag myself up the stairs, shutting the bedroom door behind me.
7
‘If we’re going to stand a chance of fixing this, there are going to have to be some fundamental changes,’ I say to James the next evening. He was up and out before I was awake this morning, as usual, so this is the first time I’ve seen him since last night. I woke to several WhatsApp messages from Di, wanting to know how I was and whether I’d come to any conclusions about what I was going to do. After replying to her, I’ve tried to use the time to make some decisions, and I also had a really long chat with my mum. Unsurprisingly, she took a very dim view of James’ behaviour, but was very careful not to try to influence me towards one course of action or another. Instead, she just acted as a sounding board to let me pour out my anger and hurt, but also work out what I wanted to do. When I finally decided that I ought to give James the chance to save our marriage, she helped me come up with the list I’m about to present to him. I’m still not completely sure that I’m doing the right thing, but there’s only one way to find out.
‘What did you have in mind?’ He looks wary but receptive, as he ought to. He’s got a hell of a lot of ground to make up.
‘Becky has to go, for starters.’
‘I thought you’d say that. In fact, I’ve already spoken to her about it.’
‘When?’ I feel a sudden pang of jealousy.
