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“Don’t. I’m in the shit enough as it is.”
“You said last night. I doubt she’ll fire you over this.”
“You think?”
“She just likes scaring you. None of her other assistants made it longer than three months. You’ve done six already. You know her schedule. You do everything she asks. Anne Hathaway has nothing on you.” She points at the dress hanging in its bag from a hook on the kitchen door. “You went all the way to Rome for her. She’s got to give you props for that.”
“The Whatsapp group is full of talk of layoffs. Haven’t you seen?”
“I don’t touch my work phone unless I’m at work. You know that.”
“Then you don’t know we’ve been bought out?”
“Have we? Who by?”
“Don’t know. Some big investor. Rumors are flying all over the place.”
“Not sure if I’m lucky or unlucky having today off.”
“We’ll see. Listen, I don’t want to be interrogated but have you still got that morning-after pill collection of yours?”
“Two pills isn’t exactly a collection.” Her eyes widen. “Hang on, did you sleep with someone while you were in Rome?”
“Have you got them or not?”
“I will hand you everything you want if you tell me who it was.”
“Just some guy.”
“Just some guy? You lost your virginity to just some guy?”
“I lost my virginity to Oswald.”
“Doesn’t count. He was an asshole.”
“It still counts.”
“Suit yourself. So who was the mystery man?”
“No one.” I shrug as she raises her eyebrows. “I mean, I’m never seeing him again, so what does it matter who he is?”
“Was he an Italian? Did you cement American-European relations? Have a summit to discuss international affairs? Form an alliance?”
“Forget it. I can go to Walgreens on the way to work.”
She gets to her feet. “I’m sorry. You keep your secrets, you little minx. I can’t believe you’re acting so calm about all this. You little harlot, you. How are you so chilled about this?”
“Because it was a mistake and one I’d rather forget, okay?”
She nods, heading through to her bedroom. I finish my coffee, and by the time I’m done, she’s back with what I need. “Thanks,” I say, swallowing the pill dry and grimacing as it sticks in my throat.
“Bon voyage, little spermies,” Ursula says, saluting me from the doorway. “Stand down, tadpoles of evil. You shall not impregnate my bestie today.”
“You’re a delight, do you know that?”
“And you’re going to be late.”
I glance at the time. “Oh shit. What’s your plan for the day?”
