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“I hardly consider it the same thing, but very well. Let’s get back to this hunk we were talking about, because I honestly would like to know what he is like outside of the office. He seems too casual, so natural in the office, I can’t help but wonder if that’s just the way he is, or if he puts on the front for work,” she said.
“He’s been really sweet during the time he and I have spent together,” I said. “He really seems to care about my wants and needs, and that makes me feel good. It’s so much better than the typical guy I’ve been out with who just wants a piece of candy on his arm to show off to his friends.”
“That’s right,” Mom said. “And you have to know that those little things like that matter. If he’s treating you like he cares about you and not focused on your looks alone, then you have a keeper. That’s not to say that looks aren’t important, but you don’t want someone who is just going to get tied up in the superficial. If anyone knows how good looks fade, it’s me!”
“You are still beautiful to me, Mom,” I said.
“You are very sweet, my dear,” she replied. She was clearly enjoying her fried chicken, and I was glad I’d come. But, I chose not to tell her about the note or the job promotion Trevor had received. She was so glad that I was getting along with Trevor so far, she didn’t need to hear that it was likely going to come to an end soon.
I wanted to hear her advice on what I should do, but I knew my mom. I knew she would give me the most selfless advice she could rather than be selfish in any way, and she would tell me that I had to go with him. I already knew she would tell me that she wasn’t going to be the reason why I stayed any more than I would be the reason why he stayed, and she would be stubborn until I went through with the move myself.
But how would I feel about that?
I would be with Trevor, but I would have left her behind, and I didn’t think I would ever be able to deal with that in my mind. She wasn’t currently sick, but there was no way to know for sure if she would stay that way, or if cancer would strike her again when she least expected it. And I had no way of knowing how the cancer would behave if it did come back.
There were plenty of cancers that came back with such a vengeance that they killed the patient before they were even able to start really treating it again. The thought of that happening haunted me almost constantly. I had a feeling I would have to stand by my mother’s grave sooner rather than later, and I worried that it was coming up even sooner when she talked about dying or what I was going to do with myself when she did pass.
Denial wasn’t going to make her better, I knew that. It wasn’t going to do a thing to ease my own pain when she did pass on, either. But, I also felt that it was unhealthy to spend the good times that we had left with each other talking about the times when she would be gone. We could talk about the details of her property and such, but we didn’t have to talk about that yet, and we really didn’t need to entertain the idea of her passing just as the topic of conversation.
“You know, if things are going well between the two of you, it might be fun for you and me to go wedding dress shopping, you know? I don’t want to put the cart before the horse, but I would love to see what you are going to wear on that day,” she said.
“Mom!” I chided her again. “It’s not like that. I don’t know if we would ever reach the point of marriage, so I’m not going to go out and start shopping for that when it could be a waste of time.”
But, the look my mom gave me told me she wasn’t at all offended by what I had said, nor did she seem to think that my doubt over our marriage was any real indicator over where things were going for Trevor and me.
Instead, she just smiled and poured herself another glass of the lemonade.
“You might not be ready for that yet, but I’m telling you, the day is coming when you’re going to not only be ready, but you’ll dream of him asking you. And when he does, you better believe the excitement you’re going to feel when you head out there to get that wedding gown!” She smiled with her eyes closed, and I figured she was remembering the time in her life when she went out to find her own wedding dress after my father proposed.
“I’ll take your word for that one, Mom,” I said. “But I’m not about to go rushing into marriage when I’m not entirely sure of what I even want in life.”
“I think you know what you want, and I think you’re falling in love with what you want, too. I just think you’re finding out for the first time how scary it is to have those feelings about someone, and the fact that you want to have those feelings, and the object of your affection is returning those feelings – well, you are bound to have some cold feet every now and then along the way. But you trust me when I tell you that the day is coming!” She beamed.
“The day is coming.” I humored her. I still wasn’t going to let her take me out to look at gowns, and I wasn’t going to talk about marriage, either. I was happy with leaving it where it was with my mom right now. We were dating and having a good time. There wasn’t any need to change what was going on right now.
If it wasn’t broken, then why try to fix it?
It was something my mother had said to me often when I was growing up, and now that I was in this situation with Trevor and my mother and the job and cancer, I realized the value in taking my time with things. While I didn’t know what Trevor was going to do about the job, I wasn’t going to get tied into a life with him without knowing for sure what that would mean for me.
But, I would keep my mother in the loop when it came to the things the two of us were doing together, and if we did happen to take another step along the way, I would tell my mother about that, too. Obviously, I wasn’t going to tell my mom that I’d given my V card to Trevor, but I felt comfortable enough to share most other things with her.
I changed the subject to talk more about her and what she had been doing with her free time the past week, and I settled in to listen to her activities at the Salvation Army and Senior Center, which was a welcome relief from talking about the relationship I had with Trevor.
Though it wasn’t going away, and I knew my mom was excited about it, I also wanted to keep it low key if possible. Now that I knew about that job offer, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of what he and I were doing in case he did up and leave and I stayed behind.
It wouldn’t be easy no matter how it came about, but there were some things I could do that would help someone like my mom cope with it if it happened.
After all, even if I was the one with the broken heart, I wouldn’t at all be afraid to help someone else who was upset, too. And if my mom was sad for me, or if she worried about what I would do, I would make sure she knew I would be okay without worrying about my own feelings in the issue.
I knew I had to take care of myself more, but it was tough when I cared so much about the people around me. I didn’t want anyone to be upset, and I worked hard to make sure they weren’t.
Even when I was dealing with my own pain, that was just the way I did things.
And I’d do it again, too.
THIRTY-THREE
Trevor
